Who Knew?

I enjoy people so much.  But I have never had many friends.  

This used to really chip away at my self confidence because being ‘popular’ was how I valued self worth.    

In my opinion, all of the popular people had lots of friends and were liked by everyone. 

So in the back of my mind I wondered if I was an unworthy candidate to be ‘chosen’ as a friend by most people.   

In school, how many friends you had was a measure of how cool you were.  After school, being liked by everyone was a measure of self worth to me.  

But the truth is, I can’t sustain a lot of friendships at once.  I like to have one or two special friends…and then I’m maxed out.  

I don’t do well in group conversation and if I have to small talk with someone I pretty much can’t think of anything to say after ‘how are you’?   

At social events (think weddings and funerals) it’s a struggle because jumping from person to person having snippets of meaningless conversation does not come natural and is not my idea of a good time.  

It has recently dawned on me that without trying to label myself one way or the other…it’s possible I’m not an unworthy candidate for friends, maybe I just have some introvert tendencies.   
The more introvert descriptions come out in Ted talks, YouTube and social media…the more I can see myself in them.

Here is an example I found online of ‘introvert idiosyncrasies’…

  • Many introverts identify as highly sensitive (HSP)
  • Most introverts hate talking on the phone
  • Introverts are often spiritual 
  • We have a tendency to overthink 
  • Many introverts love structure 
  • We prefer deep conversations over small talk 
  • Introverts tend to write better than we speak 

Would you look at that…7 check marks for me.

This did not come as a surprise to my girlfriend when I announced it to her a couple of weeks ago…she already knew.

It amazes me how we think we are the problem… but a new piece of information can change everything.

I heard recently that we are who we think others think we are… not who others think we are…or who we think we are.  

But now I just want to see me as me, and see value of who I am no matter what someone else’s opinion is.   

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I turn 40 years old.  I’m now in the club. 

It sounds so much older than it feels but I feel like I’ve earned my stripes.   

I remember my dad talking about his younger brother, and saying that people’s financial problems seem to go away after 40.   

I thought I would never get there.  

Looking back on my adult decades…

20’s…. were all about building my family.  

I started dating my husband just before my 21st birthday, and we were married the day after I turned 22.

We welcomed our first son when I was 23, and we bought our house that year.  

Our next son came along when I was 25, at 27 we had a miscarriage, and when I was 29 we were completed our family with a baby girl.

30’s… were all about personal growth and getting to know myself

We moved to the farm when I turned 30.  There is hours and hours of lawn mowing to do.   While I was on the lawn mower I was listening to audio versions of Abraham Hicks and Wayne Dyer over and over until I gained an understanding.  

By 35 all of the hours had totally changed me, and at age 36 I started a new life on my own.

The following 2 years were some of the hardest of my life.   I learned people who have treated you like a doormat don’t like it when you stop laying down and taking it… and believing in who I am as opposed to who I was told I was, was no easy task, but also the very best and most important lesson learned of my life so far.  

The last 2 years of my 30s have been about really getting to know myself through the layers.   I have been working hard to clear regrets, resentments, and anger.  

I’m hitting my 40s with a little bit of work to do to finish cleaning up my 30s… but also with a lot of excitement for the future.   

I have been asked to be a guest speaker on March 8 at a local ladies event to celebrate International Woman’s Day… that’s an exciting way for me to start this decade off! (If you would like to come you can get more information and tickets at http://www.ladiesoutloud.ca).  I have always dreamed of being a speaker.   

Tonight my family is taking me for a beautiful dinner at the same place we celebrated my 16th birthday, I will be reconnecting for a weekend with a lifelong friend soon, and my sister and I are taking a bucket list trip to New York this spring… all of these blessings to start my 40s…how lucky am I?

In this decade my children will become adults and begin their adult journeys and I know I am going to find a lot of empty spaces I will be filling with new things… I suppose there is even a chance of grandchildren popping up, if I’m lucky.   

I still feel like I’m just getting started with life…there is so much I want to do.  

So I guess it’s Happy Birthday to me…

And onward we go!

Good People and Bad People Making Mistakes and Bad Decisions

Lately I have really been thinking a lot about mistakes and bad decisions.   Every single person makes them, some seem easily forgivable and some not so much…but how do we determine that?

What exactly is a mistake?  It sounds like something you did wrong, but what defines ‘the wrong’?  The law?   My experience with the law has been less than stellar when I hoped they would help me with what I thought was ‘wrong’.

Dictionary.com defines mistake as an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgement caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge etc.   It also says it’s a misunderstanding or misconception.  

So if you had bad judgment, then it’s a mistake.  Who defines the bad judgement?

Can something be a mistake if it was done intentionally, without understanding or caring about the consequences?  

If nobody knows, is it still a mistake?

If we do better once we know better, does ‘knowing better’ now make what we did when we ‘didn’t know better’ a mistake?

Where is the tipping point?  We all make mistakes and bad decisions, but when does someone become a ‘bad person’ because of their mistakes and bad decisions?

Once you are a ‘bad person’, when and how or can you ever become a ‘good person’ again?  Or are you now a bad person for life?   

Imagine being labelled a ‘bad person’ forever, does that make you care less about doing the right thing?   Or does that put you in a debt that you can never ever repay?

I know for myself and my bad decisions, I would never want to be a person who all hope had been lost and was a lost cause.   

I also wouldn’t want to be trapped in debt for the rest of my life because of it.  

But when I think about the bad decisions others have made which have personally affected me…while I may not be bitter anymore, I certainly have a hard time trusting and seeing the good person inside.  

Would love to hear your thoughts…

Empty Spaces

It’s so scary to let go of the role someone has played in your life.  

It feels like you are ending your connection with them.  

But I don’t believe in true endings.   There never really is an end.  There is just change.

Sometimes your time with them is over for now.  The relationship becomes stifling instead of nourishing.  Or maybe it’s too much work and holding you back from other things.  Sometimes it feels like it’s pulling you backwards when all you want to do is go forward.  

Some friendships/relationships just seem to have expiry date to the way they’ve been, and would serve us better if they changed.  

This is easy to say… and hard to execute. 

My self doubt takes over and I question myself, what if I’m the problem?  

What if I just need to do better or be better?   Have I done enough?

Am I being unrealistic?  Are my expectations too high?  

Did I do something wrong?

Have I been understanding to the other guy?

None of this is relevant, but it sure feels like it is before you make a change.  

When you let go of the roles you’ve been playing, it feels like there is an empty space.   
I have always rushed to fill it up so I didn’t have to feel the emptiness.  It feels too much like loneliness and unworthiness and fear of the future.  

But I’ve learned not to rush to fill it up.  

I let that space be empty and notice it, and accept it.   I don’t wallow in it, I just allow it to be there.

It turns into an empty space filled with possibility.   Which then isn’t really empty anymore.  

This Time Of Year…

My body loves to hibernate during winter, but I can feel it beginning to wake up now.

As the days get longer and the new light of spring takes over the darkness of winter, I feel the freshness of new beginnings and renewed life.  

Mother Nature is greatest teacher…and leader… of all. If we follow her lead we can maximize the time of year to its fullest potential.   

Baby calves and baby horses will start to show up in the fields, and hopefully we will see traces of green grass in a few weeks.  

My mom told me New Years resolutions should happen in March, when we actually feel like doing something.  She’s right…Again.  
This is the time of year I feel like its time to ask my body to do a little more to tone up and feel stronger… to start making better food choices for more energy… and to get outside to feel the sunshine on my head because it has some heat in it again.
Have you noticed a difference from the new light too?

Happy? Valentines Day

Valentines Day.  

The day you are supposed to love and be loved by your special person, show it all day long, and if you’re lucky enough someone will reciprocate it back to you.  

I spent the first two Valentines evenings of my new life alone at Costco.  

It was hard to be “alone” when the day rolled around but Costco was a pretty neutral safe place to be while it seemed all of the people I knew were going to dinner and movies.  

Time really does change things.  

I’ve watched so many people feel like their significant other isn’t fulfilling their needs,  and they spend years thinking about different ways to try to make them understand what they need.
I’ve done it.  When I was feeling empty and unloved and my needs weren’t being met I had someone I could blame for it.   And I did.  

Until there was no one around to expect it from and no one there to blame when it didn’t show up.

There was only me.  

The day I married myself, I stopped relying on someone else to fill my love tank.  

And I learned that the more we rely on someone else to love us and look after us, the more it hurts when they can’t or don’t and we waste precious moments filled with hurt, blame and resentment towards them for when they didn’t or couldn’t show up for us.  
The more we are loved and fulfilled by ourselves, the more we can be present to enjoy the time we get to connect with our loved ones or significant others.

I am sending my love out to all of you and sincerely hope you love yourself enough today to be able to receive it.❤️

Show Up And Be Brave – It Is What Your Soul Is Begging You To Do

I’m not an adrenaline junkie.  

I have more than a healthy amount of fear around things that threaten my life.  

But I am learning the importance of doing things that scare me.   

They say the more important an activity is to your souls evolution, the more resistance you will feel in doing it…if something doesn’t scare you, you aren’t doing it right. 

Resistance shows up when you are putting yourself on the line and taking a risk to share a part of yourself.  

The fear comes from losing the identity you have built in your mind and by being truly seen by the world and by thinking you have something to contribute even though hundreds before you already have.  

It comes from showing up in life and being brave, and from turning what your work into an art, and then putting it in a place to be judged by others.    

I see resistance in others and I’ve felt it in myself.  I believe we all fight it.  

Its the voice in our head that tells us to sit down and be quiet, somebody else will do a better job.  
Until we begin to see it for what it is, resistance holds us back.  The fear and resistance are just our thoughts that keep us small.  These things are not the death of us, but when we don’t allow them to be our guiding light anymore it brings the birth of our true selves.   

The resistance we feel is a sign.  It says you really care about something.  It says this thing matters… If it didn’t, there would be no resistance and no fear.   It wouldn’t matter at all.  

This is a big deal to you, and you will evolve…most other people are too wrapped up in their identities to even notice what you’re doing..except for a small few who will cheer you on and keep you going.  

When something matters enough to you to bring up strong fear and resistance in you, those are the things that will also resonate with and matter to others…if you dare to share.  

Soon enough you will forget why you ever feared at all.