I truly dislike conflict and I’m messy and uncomfortable with vulnerability.
This has not been a good recipe for my male or female relationships.
I like to connect with people, I’m friendly and smiley, and I genuinely care for others and their well being. I’m really good at that side of things.
But when it comes to letting myself be loved, I have failed more than once.
When someone would get close, the stakes would rise and I would fall.
All of a sudden I cared what they thought about me and I wanted to feel accepted, included, connected and loved by them. This made me feel so vulnerable.
I didn’t like it. I’m not good at it, it’s not pretty and it made me feel weak so I would shut down and shut them off. I thought the best way to avoid being weak, was to avoid areas of weakness.
Except that didn’t work.
It was a relationship death penalty, and I’m quite certain the other person had no idea what happened.
I was hurting the people who loved me because I wasn’t giving them a chance to love me.
Now that I trust that they don’t want me to feel disconnected, left out or unloved…I’m learning to lean into vulnerability.
I’m learning to say that I’m scared of not being wanted, or admit when I’m hurting. I’m learning to admit when life is hard and when I’ve come to the end of myself and knowing what to do.
I’m still messy. I’m still so uncomfortable.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling unsure about where the other person is really at, I still can’t bear to get the words out.
Lots of the time when I say how I’m feeling, it all comes out so wrong.
But the times I have been able to muster up the courage… the times I have been brave enough to stutter and stammer, or ugly cry my way through the white hot mess that I am…
A little bit of magic happens.
It seems that when you speak from this extremely vulnerable place, self doubt, shame, blame and criticism can’t survive.
There is a new understanding between your souls that deepens your connection, and you feel more loved and accepted than ever.
It’s so beautiful and so worth it.
“Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”
Thank you Leonard Cohen.