I was shocked when I really started digging into the world of empathy.
I care deeply about others, I’m sensitive to their energy, and I have never intended harm to another… and if you asked me (and my ego), I was excellent at loving others, helping others, and taking care of them.
I thought carrying the label of “empath”, which my ego and I wore proudly, automatically made me empathetic.
Except it didn’t.
I still remember the day I figured out that I wasn’t such a natural at empathy. It was such a shock to me that I remember where I was sitting and what I was doing.
Since then I’ve worked hard at empathy because if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that it’s hard and unnatural and it takes deliberate and conscious effort.
Oh and one other thing… it’s far more effective to be humble and curious when practicing empathy than ego driven and “right”.
We talk about what it’s like to be in another persons shoes. And while that’s part of the work, it’s not getting to the heart of what real empathy is.
Empathy is understanding the values that someone else is fighting for and being able to see and hear the story they are telling themselves.
It’s hard because it’s not your story.
It’s hard because the other person is fighting for a set of values that aren’t obvious (and many times that person isn’t conscious of them or clear about what they are fighting for).
It’s hard because they see themselves as right (even if you see their actions are misguided and wrong), and we ourselves as right.
It’s hard because we haven’t seen what they have seen, know everything they know, or lived with all of the ideas, thoughts, perceptions, and worldview that they have lived with and that has brought them to this moment.
And yet it’s possible to catch a glimpse of their inside life if you make a conscious effort to see it.