Every 2 years, the most wonderful time of the year becomes the most dreaded time of the year for me.
Every other year I wake up on Christmas morning alone.
The thought of it is paralyzing to me. To the point where I made myself sick and immobile. I’m a great ‘manifester’ like that. If I think something is paralyzing, and I almost become literally paralyzed.
This year is the dreaded year.
I’ve been swirling around in the misery of this reality for 30 days.
Well meaning friends have asked me what I’m going to do.
I would answer that I will go through the motions, spend a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself, and when the kids come home for Christmas dinner, all will be okay again, and I will wonder what the big deal was.
That’s what I did 2 years ago.
This year I find myself feeling very alone. This is in itself ridiculous as I have all sorts of friends, family and pets who love me and I will be spending time with. I would never have to spend more than 20 minutes without people around me if I didn’t want to.
But the holidays are special occasions, and these are the times I have always wanted to be spending my time with the special someone(s) in my life.
A rowdy Christmas morning with all of the chaos gift giving brings, or a quiet Christmas morning snuggled up by the tree, I would love either of them.
While mulling through all of this yesterday, a Tony Robbins quote popped up in my life. “The reason you’re suffering is you’re focused on yourself”.
The answer, so stunningly obvious, was staring me right in the face. Not having faith in myself to enjoy the season alone, I was focused on being alone. While searching for the answers in that fear, I was coming up with empty solutions and amplifying the lack I was feeling inside.
Christmas time (or anytime) isn’t about focusing on our lack, but it sure can bring it to light.
The universe gives us the perfect reminder at the perfect time and the guidance is always there if we will listen to it.