For the last 5 years I have been on a mission to understand the role I have played in my previous dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.
I have searched for the reasons why I allowed myself to be treated poorly, how I contributed to the dysfunction, what a healthy relationship should look like, and how I could be a better friend or partner.
I’ve learned to recognize the signs of someone who is ego driven and selfish, and I understand the difference between those people and someone who is genuinely compassionate and generous.
I read the book, The Four Agreements well over a decade ago, it is littered with gems of wisdom and definitely worth reading more than once.
Oprah had the author, Don Miguel Ruiz on her podcast and they talked about his book. She said it is the book she has gifted to other people the most.
It was the very first time I was exposed to the idea that we are separate from our mind and that our mind shapes our reality…nothing is really as it seems.
I remember barely being able to grasp the concept let alone bring it into conscious awareness and apply it to life.
I love how words in a book will change depending on the space you are in when you read them, it’s one of my favourite things.
The first time I read the following excerpt, it never even phased me, but the other day as I revisited the book it resonated so deeply with me.
“In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly.”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
I feel like this sums up “the why” to so many of my relationship choices.
It was all about how I was treating myself.
The more I learn to love myself instead of abuse myself, the more I make healthier choices and consequently the more people I have walked away from.
Some people say, “nobody is harder on me, than me”, and it’s true…nobody is.
We punish ourselves (and others) for the same thing over and over… no other living being does that. They do the thing, receive the consequence, learn the lesson and move on.
We can speak kindly to ourselves when we do something we shouldn’t have.
We can forgive ourselves for the times we may not have acted with integrity.
We can love ourselves even though we aren’t perfect.
And maybe if we did more of that, everything would change.
Falling in love with yourself doesn’t make you selfish or vain, it makes you strong.
Be strong.