20 years ago my counsellor told me that a large part of my human struggle was my lack of boundaries.
I had no idea what she meant.
She probably mentioned it in 2 or 3 different sessions until I finally asked what a boundary was exactly. She tried to describe this completely abstract term to me because even the definition was somewhat perplexing. I seemed to have no frame of reference whatsoever.
She recommended Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More, and sent me on my way. I read her book and then spent the next 20 years trying to figure it all out and apply boundaries in my life.
Boundaries were hard to set. I lived in scarcity and felt like all I had was all there was. I was afraid that when I told someone ‘no’ they would feel rejection and it would result in loss. I would lose a friend, a spouse, or an opportunity. When you live in scarcity the fear of loss is amplified 1000 fold and you need expert level boundary setting skills… I had none.
Fast forward to today. I believe in abundance, and spend most of my time living abundantly. I am learning that people, feelings, ideas, and things are in great supply, you simply need to choose what you want to hold space for, allow it to work it’s magic, and then follow the path that connects you. I believe that every thought, every person, and every thing in my life holds space, and letting something go creates open space that will once again be filled.
This makes boundary setting so much easier. There is no fear of loss, there is nothing personal and no emotional charge attached, there is simply the choice of whether this particular energy is aligned with where I’m heading, if it doesn’t, I let it go and search and allow for what does.
On the flip side, I’ve learned relationships are easier when someone opposite of me has clear boundaries for me to follow. I don’t want to overstep, cause harm, or operate in someone’s territory that hurts them or takes them off of their path in life. All of my relationships are partnerships, and they aren’t parasitic. We each survive independently, but understand we can do better together. When someone doesn’t have clear boundaries with me I spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure out their boundary myself in order to respect their journey.
My counsellor was right. It’s been a journey. I’m certain neither of us understood how long it would take me to figure this much out, and as I sit here and write it all down even I’m impressed with how far I’ve come. If only she could see me now… 🙂