We all want to be good people. Every single one of us is afraid of shame, isolation, rejection, and being alone. We are a community animal and we need connection.
For me this manifests as a willingness to cooperate, to look after the other guy and to “do what I’m told”.
But I’m growing up now, and I am learning to have my own opinion, thoughts, and agenda for my life. We all need to grow up, we only get this one life and when the world is your oyster, you can design it however is best for you.
I’m slowly learning it’s ok to allow someone else to feel uncomfortable with my choices and I don’t have to immediately abandon what’s working for me when someone else decides I should.
I have to constantly remind myself that allowing someone else to marinate in their own discomfort is healthy because that’s how they will work through their issues.
But it’s hard to do. People who have learned that you accommodate begin to expect it. When you say no, they lash out.
The easy thing to do is to cave and do what they want. The hard thing to do is to stick to your guns. It takes a lot of work, support and reassurance, but we can do hard things.
We need to be confident and ok inside of ourselves to allow another to thrash with their feelings… especially when they have a large overbearing personality.
If we want to internally reconcile our difference in opinion with someone else’s it’s a good idea to go through a mental check:
Am I hurting anything by saying no to their demands?
What does that person need?
What do I need?
Sitting with and answering these questions helps.
If you aren’t doing anything wrong (and you probably aren’t) then you can carry on.