One of the keys to healthy relationships is keeping the connection clean.
This means that if an issue arises it needs to be addressed. Addressing the issue in a way that doesn’t cause a new issue is hard.
It requires what Seth Godin refers to as ’emotional labour’.
In the past I wouldn’t keep the connection clean. I was afraid of conflict and didn’t want to make the issue worse, so I would try to ignore it. Because I didn’t understand connection, I couldn’t see how ignoring the issue was creating a much larger problem.
Think of connection as a whole bunch of small tubes (called chords) that run between you and another person. When your connection is clean every chord has energy flowing smoothly back and forth between you and it’s strong and healthy.
A new chord is created over every little bond from shared experiences, friends, ideas, or even opinions. Each new chord builds a stronger connection.
When an issue arises it blocks the energy flow in the chord. Other block causes an irritation. If the block remains because it isn’t addressed and cleared, the energy becomes poisonous or toxic because it can’t flow, and the poison starts slowly creeping into the other chords.
If one of your chords is a shared love for the same people (family or friends) then the poison starts to creep into those chords and affect those relationships too.
If one of your chords is an idea or opinion you share… it becomes tainted by the poison too and pretty soon the wings start to fall off.
Over time the whole things falls apart because of the blockage that never got cleared.
In my case, the blockage didn’t get cleared because I didn’t have the right skills to do the emotional labour. I didn’t trust myself to handle the conversation well and I was justifiably afraid of the consequences.
Compassion, empathy, vulnerability, and a clear set of boundaries and priorities are needed to keep relationships healthy and clean.