I used to think the answer to life was controlling the people around me.
It seemed easier to control someone else’s behaviour than to look inside and heal my own pain.
Sometimes that looked like me being bossy and telling someone what to do, or not do differently.
Sometimes it looked like staying quiet in order to stop someone else’s over reaction.
Usually it was blaming others for how I felt inside.
If I didn’t like feeling left out… I was mad at someone for not including me.
If I didn’t feel important…it was someone else’s fault for putting me at the bottom of their priority list.
If I didn’t feel supported… it was someone else’s fault for not helping me.
If I didn’t feel loved…it was someone else’s fault for neglecting me.
It took me a long time to figure out that nobody is responsible for how I’m feeling inside, except me.
The bad feelings weren’t coming because of anyone else, they were there to alert me of a place that needed attention from me.
I had to learn to fill up my own love tank.
I had to learn how to look inside myself, to ask hard questions and find the answers for why I was feeling the way I was.
It took me a long time to find compassion for myself and my inability to be perfect.
I had to work hard to forgive myself for my shortcomings.
As I did, I stopped feeling like I needed to control everything.
I am able to allow life to unfold around me, and the weight of having to keep track of every angle has been lifted knowing I am capable of managing my emotional pain.