Many years ago we went to someone’s wedding I didn’t know.
I don’t remember who the bride and groom were and I don’t remember the ceremony or if we even went to it.
I have one solid memory from the reception. It was one of those moments that changes you.
Things had started to get carried away.
I am so uncomfortable at parties when everyone is drinking a lot. I don’t like it when people start acting different or get really loud because of booze…it makes me queasy. I’m not a drinker and that probably makes it worse.
I had major turmoil inside of me about the direction the evening was heading, I was moment by moment becoming more and more dark and gloomy and I was beyond miserable.
It felt to me like a guy who I had never met before was causing trouble, and I immediately disliked him.
The people I was with had befriended him because he appeared to be the life of the party, and much to my dismay we all ended up at the same table.
I never said an unkind word to anybody about anything. I just quietly sat there completely distressed and agitated enduring this certain kind of hell I thought I was in.
At one point the guy looked directly at me and asked, “why do you hate me so much? You don’t even know me.”
It stunned me. I hadn’t said anything to him or to anyone.
I had no idea how much I was displaying on the outside what was going on in my insides, but his comment made it very clear to me that my misery was written all over me.
Yesterday I was on a bus for a couple of hours and there was a lady who reminded me of myself that night.
She was wretchedly unhappy and it was written all over her face and oozing out of her everywhere. She never said a word, but it extremely obvious she couldn’t stand to be in her own skin and had absolutely no desire to be where she was at that moment.
I wondered if she had any idea how much of what was going on inside of her was on display to the rest of the world. I could relate, I know how it feels to be stuck somewhere you desperately don’t want to be.
My favourite Wayne Dyer quote came to mind:
“When you squeeze an orange, you’ll always get orange juice to come out. What comes out is what’s inside. The same logic applies to you: when someone squeezes you, puts pressure on you, or says something unflattering or critical, and out of you comes anger, hatred, bitterness, tension, depression, or anxiety, that is what’s inside. If love and joy are what you want to give and receive, change your life by changing what’s inside.”
I am so relieved that I never hate moments in my life anymore like I used to.
It really is so important to create the life you want, and not live in a life you don’t want.
We must love the life we live so that we can exude joy and love instead of anger, bitterness, or tension even in the challenging moments.
Although I suppose ometimes we have to figure out what we don’t want in order to find what we do want.