I used to strongly believe that deep down everyone was a good person (by my definition). That got me into a lot of trouble because with this belief I trusted people blindly. Once I figured out that maybe not everyone is like me, I decided I better start learning the patterns and behaviours of people who aren’t like me in order to become a better judge of character.
I spent countless hours reading about narcissism and sociopaths in order to educate myself, and it has helped me. I’m far better at determining who can be trusted and what I can trust someone for.
On several different occasions Carol Dwecks book Mindset, The New Psychology Of Success, has crossed paths with me. It’s been on my very long list of books to read for a while, but never with any urgency. The book is about about fixed mindset versus growth mindset, a very interesting topic.
On the Brain Pickings blog I read a write up about Dwecks book and it’s moved it closer to the top of my list again. (It’s worth reading the Brain Pickings blog post, click here).
According to this summary the fixed mindset has many of the same traits as narcissism and for the first time in a long time, I caught a new glimpse of why I was easily caught up in relationships with people who have narcissistic traits.
I’m 100% growth mindset, so I believe in possibility, learning, and improving.
This is a quote from Dwecks book (but I’m taking the quote from the Brain Pickings blog).
The growth mindset says all of these things can be developed. All — you, your partner, and the relationship — are capable of growth and change.
In the fixed mindset, the ideal is instant, perfect, and perpetual compatibility. Like it was meant to be. Like riding off into the sunset. Like “they lived happily ever after.”
[…]
One problem is that people with the fixed mindset expect everything good to happen automatically. It’s not that the partners will work to help each other solve their problems or gain skills. It’s that this will magically occur through their love, sort of the way it happened to Sleeping Beauty, whose coma was cured by her prince’s kiss, or to Cinderella, whose miserable life was suddenly transformed by her prince.
[…]
Just as there are no great achievements without setbacks, there are no great relationships without conflicts and problems along the way.
When people with a fixed mindset talk about their conflicts, they assign blame. Sometimes they blame themselves, but often they blame their partner. And they assign blame to a trait — a character flaw.
But it doesn’t end there. When people blame their partner’s personality for the problem, they feel anger and disgust toward them.
And it barrels on: Since the problem comes from fixed traits, it can’t be solved. So once people with the fixed mindset see flaws in their partners, they become contemptuous of them and dissatisfied with the whole relationship.
This is an interesting twist for me and helps me see things in a slightly different light with a deeper understanding of what is actually happening.
The trick for me now is to get through the books I’m reading and to move on to this book before it creeps back down the list again. The struggle is real over here.