I used to believe that a mother/child bond could never be broken.
I really felt like I was a good mom. I put all of my blood sweat and tears into being the best mom I knew how. I have really great kids, so I felt like the proof was in the pudding.
I don’t think it made me special, there are lots of really great parents and tons of spectacular kids out there, but I can see now I put too much weight onto being a mom. I used it as my emotional security and my identity.
I was afraid of fire, and emergencies, and bad things happening that I couldn’t handle on my own. I was afraid of not being loved. But I was mostly afraid of being alone.
I saw friends visit their mothers in the bar on Mother’s Day, I saw mothers leave their families, and I saw abusive mothers who didn’t care, and their children still loved them and wanted their approval. If “those moms” couldn’t screw it up enough to break the bond, surely I would always have my kids.
No matter what happened outside of each of our unique relationships, I would always be my children’s mom. That was truly comforting for me to know I would never truly be alone again.
When my oldest son went to live with his dad, it shattered my whole belief system. I lost access, I lost influence, and after a few short months I realized I lost my job completely.
He became sick and didn’t need his mom. He broke his collarbone, went to the hospital, and didn’t need his mom. He had a girlfriend, he had friends, he did sports, he ate meals, he forgot his backpack, and his hockey gloves, and never needed his mom.
I was angry at all of the people who allowed it to happen. The lawyers, the judge, his dad, his dads family, and anyone who appeared to support it. Not a little bit angry, but holding a deep seated rage for taking my child away from me.
I wanted the idea to fail. I wanted it to go so badly that my son would finally realize he needed his mom, and what was familiar, and the people who loved him and has always shown love to him, and come home.
I eventually realized I didn’t really want that for my son. As parents we want our children to do well, to be successful and prosper, so I needed to stop wishing for bad things to happen. And I did.
I started looking for ways he was doing well instead of hoping this would go wrong.
One morning laying in bed after what felt like an eternity of heartache and bitterness and deep seated anger, I asked myself who I was angry with and if I could forgive them.
I had heard the quote “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” and I could feel that’s what was happening with me.
I realized it didn’t make sense to be bitter and angry towards the lawyers and judges. They had moved on with their lives and probably never thought about us again. I couldn’t phone them up and tell them what they had done. They got to wipe their hands and move on. I was definitely drinking that poison and they weren’t feeling any effect..
But then I realized I didn’t truly want anyone to die. Not the supporters, not his dad, or his dads family… not anyone. I just wanted us all to be better people. I wanted us all to be around, and to love all of the kids, and maybe even still love each other.
Releasing strong emotions like bitterness, rage, and anger takes a lot of tears. I ugly cried that morning until my pillow and blankets were soaked. But when I got out of bed I could feel a lightness that hadn’t been there for a long time.
A new person walked out of my house that day. I was able to start moving forward and choosing love.
When I met with a traditional Chinese practitioner a couple of months ago she said, “I see storm clouds behind you, but I also see that you are free and have moved beyond the storm, the clouds are behind but they are not over you and they are not affecting you anymore.”
And my whole being smiled.
“Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain” – Gary Allen