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Some times you do something and you highly wait for the results with so much excitement and anticipation. Think prepping for competition, advertising a product, or making your move on a potential date…. And then crickets.

And some times you don’t do something because you dread what might happen if you do. Think setting a boundary, breaking off a relationship, or quitting a job, And you stay stuck.

It seems like we oscillate between the two, living in the future and in anticipation of what might happen.

But we really don’t know what might happen, it’s so much better to do the thing in the most thorough and graceful way you can… and then wait to see what happens.

The problem isn’t the doing of the thing. We can do that and we must always be moving forward and taking action.

The problem is our attachment to the results. We can’t do good work when we keep letting our imagination drift to what might happen.

And we don’t have any control over what might happen anyway.

“So do not be concerned with the fruit of your action-just give attention to the action itself. The fruit will come of its own accord. This is a powerful spiritual practice.”. Eckhart Tolle

Just for today take a moment to revisit the goals you made for this year.

Even if you didn’t formally write them down, there were probably things you were looking forward to changing or progressing in your life.

Think about what you had hoped for in your relationships, career/business, financial, personal growth, spiritual, home improvement, and self care.

Sometimes it only takes a small reminder of what you wanted to get back on track.

Just for today remind yourself about the journey you intend to be on. And maybe you will find your next step.

Courage means you show up when you would rather put your head in the sand.  

Courage means trying something you’ve never tried before.
Courage means looking your fear in the face and not buying into its story.

Courage means you speak up for yourself.

Courage means you do what’s right even when it seems wrong.

Courage means you ask the question, and listen what the answer is.

Courage means being kind when you want to be malicious, and being brave when you want to be small.

Courage means you can do hard things.

And you CAN do hard things.

Having courage is the only way to achieve the life you want… without it you will never get there.  

“Courage is the most important of all of the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently” ~ Maya Angelou

Our life is an energetic space.

What we fill that space with is a reflection of what we believe and what we choose, and that is a match to who we are.

When you let go of anything  from your life (job, relationship, volunteer position, empty nest), you open up a space.  Sometimes the Universe opens that space for you.

If you run from the pain and emptiness, you will refill the space out of fear.  And you end up in another situation that isn’t right for you or leading you to your highest expression of yourself

You can, and absolutely should,  make a conscious decision about how to fill that empty space.

Take a moment and assess… what needs were being fulfilled, and which needs weren’t being fulfilled before you fill the space again.  How was it serving you, and what was missing.

When you know which of your needs were being met, and you are aware of what needs you want to meet, then you can make new choices that improve your life, rather than continuing in the same cycle.

But first you have to be brave enough to sit with the hot loneliness of empty space, in order to figure out exactly how you want to fill it again.

I love the idea of change because it’s the only way things will get better.

If everything stays the same, then everything will stay the same.

And can you imagine living another 15, 25, 50 years with the parts of your life that aren’t the way you want them?

How long have you lived with them already?

If you are anything like me, it’s definitely been too long.

We think that we have to make trade offs. People have always told us we can’t have it all.

I believe you can have it all and the only trade off you have to make is to replace your level of comfort with some discomfort.

Because change makes us uncomfortable. It’s unfamiliar and we don’t know how things will play out.

Not knowing how things will play out will make me so uncomfortable at times that I feel sick to my stomach.

And then I wonder if it’s worth it.

In those moments we have to remember the pain of staying where we are at, and if the change is worth the risk.

Sometimes the risk isn’t nearly so bad as you think…. and sometimes there is a different way to achieve what you want.

Just for today, imagine the change you wish to make and allow it to manifest in whatever form it needs to.

Maybe you aren’t the right build and height to play professional sports (and that’s your dream), but maybe you can be the water boy, or own the team, or be the photographer, or referee, or scorekeeper.

There are many ways to be involved in the game of your choice and once you decide, don’t let the fear of change, the uncertainty, the uncomfortableness, or the nausea stop you from getting there.

One of my favourite things to find out about someone is what’s making them tick, what’s helping them heal, what they have learned and how they applied it.   I love framework!  That’s where the best inspirations come from.  

So I’m going to share mine, in hopes that you will share yours.

What I’m listening to:  Debt. The First 5000 Years by David Graeber on Audible.  It’s very much left brain stuff and a lot of history.  I’m enjoying the parts I can focus on.   It talks about debt and money and the history and ethics behind it…debt existed long before money…interesting.  

What I’m reading:  It’s Your Turn by Seth Godin. It’s inspiring. He has taken a lot of the extra fluff out. Every page is meat and potatoes. If you are looking to be inspired to do work that matters, this book will do it for you.  

Quote I’m pondering:  Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances -Ralph Waldo Emerson

What I’m Doing:   I have been asked to speak on International Womans Day at a local ladies event.  This is the link for tickets.  There are other speakers who are amazing and an open mic session to follow if you would like to speak also.  It will be an awesome and empowering event in a small cozy venue.   

What’s happening in your world?

I have seen a lot of macho grown men who are terrified of their feelings.

Instead of allowing themselves to be vulnerable and express painful emotions they usually become angry.

These are the bullies, the narcissists, and the average everyday guy.

We have done such a disservice to the men in the world by not teaching them how to process their emotions.

I’m a mom to 2 boys and I haven’t taught them very well either. It’s not easy because society is telling them who they need to be, and the message is louder than “mom”.

I think a huge part of our problem is that we don’t know how to process emotions. There isn’t a book or a map that lays it out for us.

Lately I’ve regressed slightly with my own emotional intelligence.

This year has been no joke, and I’ve been reminded to slow down and go back to the basics, and start processing all of the feelings I’ve been feeling.

So I thought it would be a good refresher to make a how to list, in case you are ignoring your feelings like I have been.

1. Name the emotion. We feel pain but we don’t recognize what it is. Is it rejection? Is it betrayal? Is it shame? Figure out exactly what it is your feeling and name it.

2. You will probably want to understand the trigger. Why are you feeling this emotion? What happened in your past that gave you this lens to look through and interpret the situation this way?

3. Accept that you are feeling this emotion. Say to yourself, “this is rejection, I’m feeling rejection right now”.

4. Stay with the feeling without repeating the story. Just feel the emotion in your body and see how your body responds to it. Is your pulse racing? Are your cheeks flushed? Do your armpits tingle? Just feel the energy of the emotion in your body.

5. When it’s ready to pass through you (which will only take a couple of minutes at most), let it go.

Understanding how to process emotions is a game changer. All of a sudden you feel better instead of feeling worse.

Resisting the feeling just makes your body rigid and makes the emotion stronger.

But if you walk into your feelings and you will be able to walk away from them.

The work you do is your contribution to society.

It took me a really long time to figure that out, possibly longer than the average working person because I had been a stay at home mom for so long.

For a long time, my view on working was purely selfish. I thought the work we did was all about us, so that we could get money to buy what we wanted.

And it is…which is a kind of ingenious way to encourage the majority of us to be contributors… but in the grand scheme of things that’s not what work is about at all.

Work is about contributing to society and doing your part to make this whole human experience come together. It’s about making the lives of others easier by helping them get what they want, do what they need to do, or feel better or live longer… depending on what kind of work you choose.

The people who carry the most responsibility for helping others get the most reward. These are the entrepreneurs or freelancers, the doctors and lawyers… the people who are here to serve others.

They build a legacy, respect, and admiration (or sometimes misguided admiration called jealousy).

They get to make the decisions, they have the most freedom of choice, and if they manage to pull it all off in a way that makes a difference in the lives of others, they are paid well for it.

In the old school of life people who were greedy and selfish and could reap partial rewards and may have ended up with big bank accounts, but I think those days are slowly coming to an end. People are smart, want to be treated well, and have tools and resources to seek out the largest contributors.

If you think the work you do is all about you, take a step back. You are contributing to society… if you want to have a larger impact you need to level up, take more responsibility, and help others get what they want. That doesn’t always look the way you think it should.

I had a cashier at Walmart who mechanically scanned my items and packed them in bags.   She only grunted in reply as I asked her a question and as I searched her face, it was expressionless, and her eyes were dull.

In that short encounter, where I’m quite certain she didn’t even realize I was a warm body in front of her….I found myself wishing she loved what she was doing and wondering if she had forgotten there was more to life than this.     

Because sometimes we forget don’t we?  We get stuck in a routine or buried under responsibility.   We can fill our plates with so many ‘have-to’s”, we run out of time for the “want-to’s”.

There is so much more to life.   There are things that will keep us feeling alive if we keep engaging in them.  

We need to play.   Maybe even be silly.  Look at the lighter side of things and laugh.  

We need to create.   

We need to try new things and go on adventures and experience life.  

We need to connect with each other and with new people.   

We need to say yes to life…

I think if we are going to have  a ‘have-to’ saying yes to life should be on it.

I used to believe that a mother/child bond could never be broken.

I really felt like I was a good mom. I put all of my blood sweat and tears into being the best mom I knew how. I have really great kids, so I felt like the proof was in the pudding.

I don’t think it made me special, there are lots of really great parents and tons of spectacular kids out there, but I can see now I put too much weight onto being a mom. I used it as my emotional security and my identity.

I was afraid of fire, and emergencies, and bad things happening that I couldn’t handle on my own. I was afraid of not being loved. But I was mostly afraid of being alone.

I saw friends visit their mothers in the bar on Mother’s Day, I saw mothers leave their families, and I saw abusive mothers who didn’t care, and their children still loved them and wanted their approval. If “those moms” couldn’t screw it up enough to break the bond, surely I would always have my kids.

No matter what happened outside of each of our unique relationships, I would always be my children’s mom. That was truly comforting for me to know I would never truly be alone again.

When my oldest son went to live with his dad, it shattered my whole belief system. I lost access, I lost influence, and after a few short months I realized I lost my job completely.

He became sick and didn’t need his mom. He broke his collarbone, went to the hospital, and didn’t need his mom. He had a girlfriend, he had friends, he did sports, he ate meals, he forgot his backpack, and his hockey gloves, and never needed his mom.

I was angry at all of the people who allowed it to happen. The lawyers, the judge, his dad, his dads family, and anyone who appeared to support it. Not a little bit angry, but holding a deep seated rage for taking my child away from me.

I wanted the idea to fail. I wanted it to go so badly that my son would finally realize he needed his mom, and what was familiar, and the people who loved him and has always shown love to him, and come home.

I eventually realized I didn’t really want that for my son. As parents we want our children to do well, to be successful and prosper, so I needed to stop wishing for bad things to happen. And I did.

I started looking for ways he was doing well instead of hoping this would go wrong.

One morning laying in bed after what felt like an eternity of heartache and bitterness and deep seated anger, I asked myself who I was angry with and if I could forgive them.

I had heard the quote “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” and I could feel that’s what was happening with me.

I realized it didn’t make sense to be bitter and angry towards the lawyers and judges. They had moved on with their lives and probably never thought about us again. I couldn’t phone them up and tell them what they had done. They got to wipe their hands and move on. I was definitely drinking that poison and they weren’t feeling any effect..

But then I realized I didn’t truly want anyone to die. Not the supporters, not his dad, or his dads family… not anyone. I just wanted us all to be better people. I wanted us all to be around, and to love all of the kids, and maybe even still love each other.

Releasing strong emotions like bitterness, rage, and anger takes a lot of tears. I ugly cried that morning until my pillow and blankets were soaked. But when I got out of bed I could feel a lightness that hadn’t been there for a long time.

A new person walked out of my house that day. I was able to start moving forward and choosing love.

When I met with a traditional Chinese practitioner a couple of months ago she said, “I see storm clouds behind you, but I also see that you are free and have moved beyond the storm, the clouds are behind but they are not over you and they are not affecting you anymore.”

And my whole being smiled.

“Every storm runs, runs out of rain

Just like every dark night turns into day

Every heartache will fade away

Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain” – Gary Allen

There is a podcast called Masters of Scale with Reid Hoffman.

In the very first interview, he interviewed Brian Chesky from Airbnb. I have listened to this interview several times because in it, Brian Chesky talks about the hero’s journey in relation to a trip. I love the premise and have a vested interest because I have been working on creating an experience class and I have been searching for what makes an experience more memorable.

He describes what kinds of experiences make for “the best trip ever”, he has studied it, story boarded it, tested it and is now applying what he has learned to the “Trips” part of Airbnb.

The following is a quote from his product launch of “Trips”.

“A character starts in their ordinary world. They cross the threshold—think Wizard of Oz—to this new magical world, where they meet people…They have a moment of transformation and they return to the ordinary world.” – Brian Chesky

I think this is gold.

I thought about the trips I have taken and the experiences I have had. If the people and places were the same in two different trips the most memorable trips for me were when I left my comfort zone or engaged in something completely out of the ordinary.

We need more of this in our everyday lives.

I wondered why we should wait to find a magical transformation on a trip we may take once a year, or once every couple of years.

How do we apply this in life?

I think it’s quite simple actually.

Get out of the house, try new things, leave your comfort zone, meet new people and cross thresholds…then return to your ordinary world.

And repeat.

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.” ― Nelson Mandela

Thank you Mr. Mandela. I’m on it.

Our intention behind our actions can change an entire situation.  The space we come from is more important than the thing we do.  We can do the exact same thing over and over and get an entirely different experience based on our why.

I find this everywhere.

When you are unaware of your motivation for the action you are taking, it is typically because you trying to fill a void inside of you.  You feel separate from the world, and the void never fills because you are using the outside world to fill it.

When you learn how you operate and why you are making certain choices, you are conscious about what you’re doing.

Lets take people pleasers for example:

People pleasers take action to gain approval and love.  They are looking for validation of their self worth outside of themselves and how the other person reacts can shake them to the core.  A people pleaser will rise under someones approval, and they are crushed under criticism.

But when the exact same person does the exact same thing with an aim to only share the love inside of them… the whole situation takes on a different energy.  The approval and criticism they receive from others isn’t relevant to who they are because they were just sharing the love inside, not looking for anything to fill them up.

This is why it is so important to have your inside right.  Other people lose their control over you, and you find an inner peace.

You can light up the world with love, and nobody has the power to stop you.

So before you do anything, ask yourself what you are trying to gain.  If your intention is purely to give, then proceed and give it all you’ve got.  The results don’t matter.

Tony Robbins says our biggest fear come from thoughts of loss, less and never. They take us into scarcity and we think we will lose something, have less of something, or never have something again.

If you live a life focused on abundance, you begin to notice doors closing and reopening all over the place. Every time one door closes, another opens to replace it. Usually the new door contains more opportunity, better options, and a new circle of people to bring new ideas and experiences into your life.

The only time the door stays closed, and doesn’t reopen is when we buy into “loss, less, never” and we shut down for business.

The key is to keep showing up for life. To keep doors and possibilities open. To embrace what is coming next, and then walking through the door when it opens.

Young and naive I used to put my trust in everyone. 

I didn’t have any checks and balances for myself to figure out who the “good guys” were and who the “bad guys” were, I just assumed everyone was good.

In the last few years I have taken a huge interest in defining the types of people I am going to put my trust in to.  

Here is what I’ve learned so far…

People who care and want to be genuinely good people have an underlying promise to be kind, honest, generous and empathetic… it’s not overdone and it’s never to their own detriment.  

Without consistency there isn’t trust.  

In order to be consistent they have clarity and strong enough boundaries to keep themselves operating at a level that allows them to always deliver.

They respect themselves as much as they respect you – an important piece of the puzzle I never used to understand.  

When they show up, they do so with their whole heart because their heart is whole. Their heart is whole because they look after it.  They look after their heart because they understand they can’t show up fully without it. 

These are the only people who earn my trust now.  Everyone else gets my trust in varying degrees and at various levels.

It is a high expectation and it is such a joy and a relief to find someone I can fully trust… it’s rare.

When I think about the kind of person I want to be… this is it.  

I want to be this kind of trustworthy.

When life is super crazy and you get in a funk you think that you are the only one.

You get so caught up in all of your own drama that you forget about the others in your life.

I don’t know why this is, but I’m learning that it’s never just me.

As a matter of fact, it’s slapped me in the face enough times now that I have started to believe that sometimes the energy is funky or difficult and that we are probably all crazy at the same time.

So if you ever think it’s just you… please know that it’s not.

Reach out to your people and make sure that they are ok too – odds are that even if nothing else is happening, they are probably really missing you in their life.

Every once in a while it seems like everything that was working in life quits working. I don’t know how or why it happens but I assume it is a redirect.

I’ve been consciously out of balance in my life for a while now. I knew I could either put the brakes on and resist life, or flow with it keeping the faith that it was all happening for a reasons I couldn’t yet see.

As the dust starts to settle I realize it’s taken me to a point where I am feeling a bit lost and unfocused. I have been bumbling along trying to follow the breadcrumbs I left behind earlier but it’s not been easy to put the pieces together. I can feel self doubt starting to creep back in and my confidence is waning.

The balance I’ve been missing is attention to my inner life vs. outer life. My outer life has been taking the lead, and now my inner life is trying to get my attention. I haven’t had time to recharge the way I normally would, quiet contemplation is rare and thinking is burning me out instead of filling me up. Since I like to think my way into a solution this is really tripping me up.

When I don’t have time for myself, I feel like the people around me don’t get the time and attention I would like to give them, and I start to feel bad about that. There are enough people who count on me to keep it together, it adds pressure. When the tank is empty everything grinds to a halt.

The past two weeks I have spent trying to make a correction for the past 3 months of insanity. A wise lady once told me, everyone hits the ditch, the key is to get back out of the ditch as soon as possible. So I’m working on it. Resting, hibernating, and being a bit of a recluse, trying to get my feet back under me.

I had a dream last night that I went for a pedicure and the lady refused to work on my feet because they were in too rough of shape, so even in my dreams I appear to be struggling to get my feet under me.

I am watching my inner dialogue as my confidence wanes and self doubt creeps in, and I’m working on staying compassionate towards myself. I’ve learned in the past that criticism and negative self talk is not the way to get out of the ditch quickly, and I’m tired of all of that anyway.

Today I will move forward. Take another shot at taking the weight off my shoulders that has been piling on, and do the best I can to get back out of the ditch and back on track with life and balance and all of the things I preach, and wait to see if I end up on the same path as before or a new one

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Ever since my mom heard Wayne Dyer say it she has repeated it to me over and over.

There were times I had no idea how to see something differently, and it’s possible my response to her wasn’t very friendly because I was so frustrated I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Seeing things differently is a skill.

You have to work at it.

You have to be able to face your hurt feelings, understand what assumptions you’ve made, what assertions you are making, and then let all of it go so you can open up your mind to how things could have been different.

Every situation holds choices. You can make better choices when you can see different angles.

When you have new choices, it feels like the whole world has opened up again.

There is light.

You feel different.

You understand things different.

And the things that used to bring you misery, now bring you hope.

When you feel bad about something, it’s likely that it’s because of the shadow your lens is casting.

Out of all the skills I’ve learned through my journey, this one makes the biggest changes the fastest.

We like to be in charge of our destiny so that our destiny looks exactly how we planned.

Maybe you want a white picket fence, all of your needs taken care of, the resources to do what you want to do, and a heart full of love and joy to spread to the people around you.

But in your quest for those things, you feel you need to do it all yourself.

You think you have to find the right people, say the right words, orchestrate all of the events, and rev the engine.

But its not true.

All you have to do is show up and do your best work, then surrender to the powers that are greater and smarter than you.

You can’t ignore life, you can’t get in your way, and you can’t demand that things go the way you want them to.

Put your head down and get to work.

Open your heart.

Do the very best you can do, and admit the moments that you don’t know “how”.

For the love of all things holy, make a pact to trust that the world is a loving and supportive place (no matter what is happening in the moment).

And then allow all of the parts and pieces that you don’t know how to do to look after themselves.

If you surrender and stop thinking you have to do it all, you shift the energy enough to allow things to come together.

Just for today, let go and see how things will come together for you.