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Respect is the balance between fear and trust.

This was the definition given to me at a horse clinic.

For a long time I assumed that he was referring to the horse.   How much they trust/fear you needs to stay in balance for them to respect you.

But loving teenagers has taught me fear and trust needs to be in balance primarily inside myself.

If you don’t respect a teenager, they aren’t going to respect you.  

Fear.  

If you are too afraid of upsetting them, or worried that they won’t like you… You won’t be able to build healthy boundaries.  Which is huge with them as they are always testing limits.

Trust.  

If you trust too much, they will push and poke and prod all of your buttons constantly, leaving you on edge most of the time and walking all over you.

But if you balance fear and trust in yourself, you operate from a place which balances it in them as well.  

No matter what, it always seems to be about us…never the other guy.

Making change is possible, but it happens gradually.

You will find that your old programming and beliefs will be your biggest obstacle.

Responding in the same old way to familiar situations will give you the same results you’ve always had, but trying to move past that old conditioning is hard, and sometimes feels impossible because you haven’t yet realized how you need to get out of your own way.

When you try to make change happen too quickly it’s not sustainable because you miss details along the way that will derail you later. Things like ownership and buy in. The people involved in the change need to get what they want too. The new way might be better, but if it’s not better for everyone, things will fall apart.

Everything needs to keep changing in order to grow, but they might need to be different than you imagined them to be. Impatience, lashing out, shutting down, or taking control over the situation will stifle change.

Allow it to unfold the way it needs to.

Wait to see what happens, and remember…the greater good for everyone is always worth seeking out.

Just for today let’s be grateful for what we have.

The stress has been high for most of us in 2018, and stress brings health issues, anxiety, sleepless nights, and exhaustion.

Stress is rooted in fear.

Tony Robbins tells us that fear comes from loss, less, never, thinking… in other words we are afraid of not having, or never having something we believe is important.

But gratitude can help…even if for a moment.

Gratitude reminds us to appreciate all that we have already and what’s in front of us right now.

So just for today, let’s notice all of those things.

And as we notice them, let’s express deep gratitude for them.

Oprah talks about having a gratitude journal and what a life changing practice it has been for her.

For years I’ve tried to do one based on her advice, and for years I felt like I was just repeating the same things that I’m always grateful for over and over. I. Grateful for my family, my kids, my breath, and my pets.

It felt like an endless loop of gratitude for the things in that were already in my love bubble.

When you only focus on big picture gratitude, you get the same big picture results.

Recently I’ve been doing something a bit different.

There are certain outcomes in my life that I have been working towards. I took 20 minutes at the beginning of February and wrote out where I am headed in the different areas of my life such as career, relationships, finances, health and fitness, self care, etc etc. I just picked the ones that I wanted to focus on for the next 90 days.

Several times or week I check in and notice the little bits of progress I’ve made or the new ideas I have to keep moving forward.

Turns out it’s become a gratitude journal … and this is how it’s changing my view.

When one thing goes bad it can ruin our whole day, no matter how many other things have gone right.

But when you continually visit the areas of your life that you are consciously working on making progress in, and document it, you notice all the little steps forward that you otherwise would have taken for granted or forgotten about.

Your world stops revolving around one incident, one conversation, or one roadblock, and you notice all of the ways things are going right.

This little practice has kept my view wide on all of the great things that are happening, sometimes without me even initiating the change.

There is so much happening to be grateful for, and we overlook it all of the time because of where we focus.

Change your focus, change your life.

We adapt to our surroundings so quickly.

I had never been to the gym before, but when I started going 10 years ago I was amazed at how quickly my body started to adapt. You can make a noticeable difference in 3 weeks if you’re doing it consistently.

The shadow side of this adapting super power that we have is that it doesn’t take long before we go back to auto-pilot. If we consistently do the same thing day in and day out it becomes ordinary and we become bored and apathetic. Life is stagnant.

The problem with stagnant is that our happiness is derived from progress. Stagnant might be comfortable, but it doesn’t contribute to our happiness because we aren’t moving forward.

Some science: Your brain is wired to be very energy efficient because it uses the most amount of energy in your body. When you eat, your brain receives the fuel first and it uses the more fuel than the rest of your body. The less it works the less fuel it needs, so it’s survival mechanism is constantly looking for shortcuts. End of science.

Since we aren’t scavenging for food anymore, it’s not helpful to let our brains settle into auto-pilot. Changing your routine constantly keeps your mind open because it’s constantly re-wiring.

You can change your whole life if you want to, and it will change how you see the world completely. Or you can just add something new to your everyday:

• take a new route to work,
• eat different food,
• read a book instead of watch a movie (or vice versa),
• go to a new coffee shop,
• use cold water instead of hot in your shower
• find a new activity to do during your lunch break

Basically instead of allowing your programming to continuously search for what is most comfortable and familiar right now, you are looking for new stimulus to keep your curiosity alive.

Change your routine, change your life.

P.S. I have a love letter going out to my email list tomorrow. If you would like to receive it, sign up below.

I was listening to Cat Hoke on a Tim Ferris podcast yesterday.

She said if you haven’t been able to forgive, then you are living in the past. Let’s just let that sink in… I think it’s really important.

If our past does not equal our future… why would we want to live there and how would that serve us?

Forgiving ourselves is equally as important as forgiving others. If you can forgive yourself for the bad choices or mistakes you’ve made, and if you can forgive others for their choices maybe it frees you up to live in the moment and look forward to what comes next.

Cat Hoke says it’s easy to forgive… you just have to get really stubborn about it. When your brain starts down the rabbit hole of punishment… stop and stubbornly choose forgiveness instead.

My emotions are always at the surface right now.

There hasn’t been a day go by in weeks where I don’t cry.

That is how I used to be as a child, I considered myself a professional. I’m pretty darn good at it until it turns into an ugly cry…. then it’s just ugly. The red distorted snotty faced crying still needs to be done in private.

I’ve wondered if I should be judging all of the tears that have been flowing.

Is it good or bad that I’m crying so much?

I know that tears soften us. They provide an emotional release, they heal, and they speak a thousand words.

When my sisters baby passed away 13 years ago we had one visitor who came to visit but never cried with us or showed any emotion. And I learned that sometimes not crying is very strange.

I have wondered all of the reasons why my tears flow so easily right now. I feel a direct connection with my heart every single time. Sometimes I’m crying because my heart hurts, sometimes it’s touched, sometimes it’s bursting with pride, and sometimes it’s relating to another’s journey, or trying to imagine what another’s journey might be.

I read this quote by Pema Chodron and finally realized this must be how compassion feels.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

This was a pretty stark realization for me.

When I learned that I could only love others to the extent that I loved myself I started on a path towards loving myself more.

It didn’t take long to realize I had to learn about forgiveness and compassion towards myself in order to love fully myself.

As I started to work towards forgiving myself, I was able to find forgiveness for others.

But I was still searching for compassion, wanting to lean into it and really understand compassion and how it works.

I’ve been in an intense training program and didn’t realize it.

I’m learning compassion from the ground up.

It carries a lot of emotion with it for me right now and I’m wondering if it will always make me cry or if I will be able to assimilate the big feelings that comes with it as I learn more about it.

If you see me crying in public don’t panic, rest assured I’m simply taking part in my intensive compassion training.

Growing up I was shy, I was defensive, I often felt like the victim, I knew what self preservation was, and I had mad skills for closing my heart and shutting people out when I felt threatened.

All of these are ‘mean girl’ traits… but I never saw myself as a ‘mean girl’.

I never once set out to harm others. I was blunt and bold with my words but never intentionally hurtful unless I was wounded.

I saw myself as sensitive, happy, loving, and an eternal optimist with high standards who loved animals.

Because I was sensitive I felt the need to armour up and protect myself from the mean girls or the boys who might take advantage.

I had one friendship in particular where I felt like I was being treated unfairly (this actually happened a lot because I didn’t have clear boundaries). I cut off the friendship and shut my heart down. I quit taking phone calls and didn’t answer any invitations. It was over and I was ‘done’ with being treated ‘that way’.

That friend gave me the biggest gift.

She persisted and came over to my house for coffee anyway. She sat in my living room open hearted and vulnerable and told me how I had made her felt by shutting her out.

She told me how much she valued our friendship, how much she had wanted to be friends, and how much I had hurt her when I ‘closed for business’ without explanation. She didn’t understand what had gone wrong and she didn’t know how to make it better.

I wasn’t brave in that moment. I didn’t open my heart and explain why I was hurting or why I had backed away. I just told her I was sorry she felt that way but she would be better off with her other friends than me.

Our friendship ended… but I have never forgotten.

When you speak from the heart and allow yourself to be vulnerable, as my friend did, your words land directly in the heart of the other person. Those words managed to slip through all of the armour and past the lock down of my heart.

I was blaming her, but she didn’t blame me… she just came to me with her truth.

I was too stubborn to allow her to be my friend again, her words changed me.

The biggest lesson I learned is that no matter how you feel or what you perceive is happening, there is always another human with a heart and feelings on the other side.

The other lesson I learned is that being vulnerable and brave when you are hurt is more powerful than anger, blame, or threats. She changed who I was by showing me her heart.

That’s the greatest gift you can give.

When stepping into new territory, starting a new project, or gracefully exiting a bad situation. There is no one or nothing that can tell you what to do.

When there is no instruction manual, we have the opportunity to make decisions in a way that makes us proud.

All of a sudden, just when you don’t have a map… you start to become clear and really develop your moral compass, and that is better anyway.

You keep doing “the next right thing” and developing your compass, and “what’s next” begins to look after itself.

Just the other day Seth Godin wrote a riff on maps and compasses, and it reminded me how hard it is when you don’t know what’s next.

We live in a “like and share” world now, but I’ve noticed there are only a few people who do the sharing.

Not sharing is a form of hiding.

Before I started writing this blog, there were some thing’s I didn’t want to share because it felt too personal, like I was giving something away about myself I couldn’t get back. I felt like someone would judge me, ridicule me, or see me differently somehow.

The antidote was to begin a blog and start sharing everything I could think of.

And I was right.

I was giving away something about myself.

The truth is when you express what’s inside of you or share what you love, it’s not the negative nellies and the judgey Judy’s that show up at first.

The people in the world who love what you love show up. They are drawn to what they love just like you are.

You build your tribe of people by sharing the things you love and building connection.

And if that thing you love should ever disappear, you won’t have to suffer the loss alone.

I saw a video about The Broccoli Tree on the Swiss-miss blog and it struck me that when you share something you risk losing it… but was the thing ever really yours anyway?

Or was it a segway for love and connection, the things that can’t be lost?

As the narrator says, when you keep something to yourself you suffer the loss alone.

You can watch the 3 minute video here.

I see so many great people who don’t charge someone else money for their time or services.

That’s ok as long as you are doing the thing because you want to contribute, or give back, or in the spirit of generosity.

But that’s often not the case.

Usually you don’t charge because you don’t value yourself or what you bring to the table.

Our money story is often muddy and mixed up with our self worth, and our conditioning.

Once you believe the world is abundant and there is enough for everyone, then you start to see money differently.

Money is a tool, but it’s also an exchange, and a commitment. And it’s very personal to each of us. There is a reason why the major cause of marriage failure is money.

Because money is often a limiting factor, it’s always at the forefront. We always have to mindful of it. Money represents security, freedom of choice, and priorities.

If you want to know what your priorities are, look at your bank account.

The saying “put your money where your mouth is” is relevant. Because it’s a limiting factor, you won’t be inclined to spend a lot on something you don’t see value in.

Money shows your level of commitment. But it can also raise your level of commitment. If you spend a bunch of money on something you want it to pay off.

So when it comes to charging for your time or services… you need to see the value you bring.

You need to own your greatness.

You need to understand your role and your contribution.

If you don’t value those things, no one else will either.

When you start to put a value on you, then you are forcing the other person to make a decision… do they want your time, expertise, and service? Or would they rather have their money, and less time, expertise, and service.

You have the right to charge. And they have the right to decide not to pay.

But when they do decide to pay… they will be committed to the results you can deliver.

And just because you put a value yourself, your relationships will run a lot smoother.

You don’t have to stand up and speak your mind about everything, but you do have to speak up about what you believe is right.

The next time you decide to stay quiet or let someone else do the work, remember that it’s not the quiet ones that make history.

It’s not the ones who chose to stay out of it that make change happen.

It’s not the ones who sit back that we remember.

You need to know what your silence means.

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.” ― Elie Wiesel

Some days I have hundreds of ideas about what I could write about the following day. Other days I have no ideas.

Everyday I scan through my mind the moments that stand out from the day before and I try to find something I could write about. I usually come up with less than a handful and the most interesting one wins.

This scanning your day practice has been interesting.

If we get 36,000 seconds in a 10 hour day and there are only a handful of moments that stand out… what is happening in the rest of our lives?

Writing has given me a reason to assess and find something significant every single day so it doesn’t just pass me by.

If you don’t have a way to soak up the lessons and the moments from your life it might be worth considering a way to do so. Maybe it’s at the dinner table, maybe it’s a gratitude journal, or maybe it’s photography.

Life moves fast but if we stop and make a point of noticing what stands out we can make the most of the time we have .

My mind doesn’t think in terms of failure… I don’t worry about failing, and I don’t ever feel like I’ve failed. It’s not on my radar.

I assume a lot of people must worry about failing because there is a lot of talk about dancing with failure, failing forward, and failing more than you succeed.

Since failure is not something I worry about, I’ve made up for it with other very real and scary worries.

I get hung up on being wrong, making the same mistake twice, or looking dumb. Those are way worse if you ask me.

I avoid them at all costs.

They are pretty similar to failure, but not quite the same.

Brooke Castillo was talking about daily action in pursuit of an impossible goal on her podcast, and she talked about the failure that comes with it.

I loved the analogy she used and the visual it created for me, and I think it’s worth sharing.

She said the winner of the Super Bowl doesn’t win without mistakes. They fumble the ball, turn it over, miss tackles, and the other team scores.

The Super Bowl winner makes mistakes the whole way… and still manage to win in the end.

It’s always such a relief to me when I get out of my head and see that mistakes are normal. And so is failure, and so is making a wrong play.

You can win the Super Bowl even though you’ve made mistakes.

You can not win the Super Bowl if you don’t play.

You will inspire others to take action because you are taking action.

All you need to do is something.

We all need a little inspiration no and then, so why don’t you provide it?

Just for today have a bias for action.

Do something that will inspire others to do something too.

Progress makes us happy.

That means that celebrating our small wins, better choices, and new understandings is important.

When we aren’t happy it’s so much easier to stay the course.

The journey is always one step forward and two steps back. But this doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress. In fact it’s quite the opposite.

You can’t control the results, or the way things happen. Sometimes things go exactly opposite of what you had expected.

If you watch closely for the ways you handle the “2 steps back”, you can determine if you are making progress. The 2 steps back is where you see your progress most clearly because you’ve been there before.

Notice what’s different this time.

Did you make a better choice this time? Did you react differently? Were you able to turn things around quicker? Were you able to keep your heart open? Did you use better words?

These are the only parts that truly matter.

Empathy has been on my radar as long as I can remember.

I have asked many questions of myself about empathy after listening to Brene Brown.

I have always been told I was an empath.

I walk into a room and immediately assess everyone’s emotions, I have done that as long as I remember. 

Someone told me that was empathy.

As a child I would cry when others cried. 

Someone else told me that was empathy.

I would listen to someone elses opinion about something, and drop my whole opinion after listening to their side of the story because I could imagine what it was like to be in their shoes and that seemed worse to me than being in my shoes.

They told me that was empathy.

I think these are all empathetic responses to others, but now I don’t believe that this is practicing empathy. 

I assumed I knew how to be empathic and I was almost arrogant about it (arrogance and empathy don’t go so well together, thank goodness we do better once we know better).

There is nothing easy about empathy.  

Fast forward to 5 years ago.

I began to follow Brene Brown. She teaches empathy and the more I dug into what she was saying, the more I realized I didn’t know how to practice empathy.

I feel like I am a life student of empathy now.

Being an empath was about me.  It was how I reacted to the world. 

Practicing empathy is different.  It’s taking it one step further, it’s about how I interact with the world. It’s a way to help, heal, and honour another person.

It is not the same as sympathy. 

Sympathy says I feel sorry for you.   Empathy says I’m there with you. 

Sympathy looks down on someone.  Empathy doesn’t look, it feels it with someone… it says “me too”. 

Empathy heals people, connects people, and lets them know they are not alone.  Sympathy exacerbates the feelings that are already rich and brewing.  

Empathy is a mirror, it mirrors our feelings to theirs, and that is what connects us.

Brene says we don’t have to have been through what someone else has been through in order to empathisize, but we do have to connect the same emotions they are feeling to emotions within ourselves.

Their shame = when we did something and felt shame

Their guilt = something we did and felt guilt

Their anger = something that made us feel that level of anger

Their fear = something that brought that same fear up in us.

Empathy is all about feeling what the other guy is feeling. 

You get there by connecting the inside of you to the inside of them. 

Sometimes its awful.  

If the other person is bringing up emotions in me with a situation I haven’t healed, I have some work to do before I can help them.  I think that is many times why I am brought into situations.

But most of the time it’s beautiful because almost in an instant it heals pain, and frustration, and feelings of isolation.

Empathy is a deep form of understanding.

Understanding is not about superficial wants. Its about the deepest feelings around fear, disconnection, isolation, frustration, inadequacies.  It’s about all of the things we feel bad for feeling.

Understanding their dreams they are too afraid to speak out loud.  The dreams that make their knees weak and their hearts skip a beat, the dreams they don’t believe they are worthy of. 

This is what gets their attention. This is how they feel heard.

And once they feel heard, we will also feel heard because thats how the mirror works.

If you want to help someone, serve someone, sell someone, persuade someone, motivate someone, inspire someone, teach someone, lead someone, empower someone, build trust with someone, or engage someone…

It all begins with empathy.  

If it’s draining you…

If it’s making you sick…   

If it’s causing you to lose your hair…

It is poisoning you and your soul.  

If it lights you up…  

If it energizes you…

If it bubbles out of you without effort…

It’s the work you are meant to do, the path you need to be on, or the people you need to be around.  

It’s different for everyone. What drains you, might completely light someone else up.   

Let’s stop doing each other’s work, and let’s all do what we were intended to do.  

Spend your time on what floats your boat.  

Then float on…