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The universe can’t work in your favour if you aren’t giving it something to work with.

You have to show up.

You need to get some irons in the fire.

You must keep moving forward.

Always be working toward something better.

You have to keep opening the doors.

What you find on the other side of the door is going to be interesting.

When things are in motion they will move.

And as long as you are opening up possibility the Universe will deliver opportunities.

If you aren’t opening any doors, you aren’t giving yourself as many chances.

There has once again been a lot of talk around empathy in my circles.

I’m beginning to love this subject, there are so many layers, angles and levels to it.

I have always found it quite easy to pick up another persons feelings when I walk in the room.  

As an extra sensitive individual, it was something I started doing quite young so I could gauge every situation.

But to see myself in another persons shoes, especially someone who is angry or irrational, or someone who has a completely different worldview from mine is a lot trickier.

I came across this in my reading recently…

“The key reason for every argument:  You can see how you feel but don’t see how you act.  You can see how the other person acts but don’t see how they feel.” – Kyle Cease

It’s profound.

When we get upset, how we act is typically not in accordance to how we really feel.  

It’s much easier to be angry than it is to be honest about what scares you.
It takes guts to be vulnerable.

It takes guts to say, “when I saw you talking to her it made me feel inferior”, or “I’m scared that I’m not good enough to pull this project together”.

It’s easy to see the way someone else is acting, especially when they are yelling and irrational, but that kind of behaviour makes it hard to see how they really feel.

Angry people are the most fearful.

When someone is ranting and raving like a lunatic it’s really hard to see their fear… and they certainly aren’t going to admit it.

Being able to put yourself in their shoes takes away the resistance.

It helps you to validate them so they don’t have to keep trying to prove their point to you and it helps diffuse the situation.

The next time things start heating up, try to imagine what the other person is feeling instead of focusing on how they are acting, and see how things change.  

It’s not easy to set your ego aside, but it will probably be worth it.

I’ve struggled for as long as I can remember in all kinds of relationships.  They have always been so difficult because they are hard.  

I never took them for granted, in fact I wanted them too badly. 

The advice I was always given was that it takes two people to make a relationship work.  

Since I could only be responsible for my end, those words would make me try harder, be kinder and show more affection.  

I trusted that the other person was doing the same.

Later when I got some distance from the major dysfunctions in my life I realized I was in all sorts of one sided relationships.  

I’m a giver and was doing all of the giving, I was the only one showing up for the other person, and when I needed help or emotional support from them they weren’t there.  

At first it was devastating and I spent a very long time alone… not trusting myself and my judgement anymore.  

As I started to find fulfillment within myself, I was able to give freely without needing anything in return except connection.  

I could give a little here and a little over there and then carry on with life and not obsess about it.  

I started to be surprised by relationship turmoil because I was so content I didn’t see it coming (usually it was backlash from me not carrying the relationship anymore).

And now… I’m starting to finally meet some really cool, giving and loving people who are also self fulfilled.

I can’t wait to see where this journey goes next, I feel like I’m finally starting to see the other side.  

I am not one for gossip.

I deeply understand that we all struggle. Life is hard and we are all doing the best we can. Talking about someone else’s struggles doesn’t take their struggle away. It’s not helpful unless they are involved in the conversation.

So I don’t do it.

I do love a good conversation. A good talk where we are sharing and learning from each other, one where we discuss ideas, and I do love me some philosophy.

Chad Ferguson invited me to sit down with himself and his co host Mark on their podcast.

We had fun talking about self awareness, blogging, marketing, some parenting, and our views on life.

If you would like to listen, you can find it here.

It’s 2 hours long, but the time went by quickly for us.

I hope you find something helpful in our conversation.

“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people” – Eleanor Roosevelt

You don’t have to do a complete overhaul of your life if you aren’t thrilled with it.

Often a complete overhaul sounds too big and risky and the idea leaves you feeling overwhelmed and trapped.

If you aren’t ready to make a big leap, just start with small upgrades.

You can remove items from your house that you don’t use or love.

You can clean out your closet.

You can have a conversation that will clear the air.

You can journal until your head clears.

You can food prep for the week.

Upgrade on a small scale.

Every time you make things better, things get a little better.

Sometimes just feeling better is the only upgrade you need.

I really want to like golfing.  

I am a nature lover, and golf courses are so beautiful, peaceful and well loved… I could easily spend every day on a golf course and not complain.  

But, I haven’t golfed in years.   The last time I golfed, I was in tears on the 4th tee box.  

I was terrified to be perceived as a loser.  My self esteem really couldn’t handle it.   So when it was pointed out to me how terrible I was, by someone else, on the 4th tee box that day, my tears flowed freely and I gave up with fight.  

The fight I gave up that day was golf, but golf itself was not the problem.  My inner struggle was.   

It would be quite a few years later before I figured this one out.  

The thing about golf, and all sports, and life really, is, the harder you try to not be a loser, the worse things get.  

What matters the most, is the space you are coming from.  

When I questioned my definition of a loser, I realized there is no such thing. You are not a loser because you haven’t learned the skills yet. You are simply a beginner.  

There is a huge difference between being a beginner, and being a loser. But the difference comes only from perception.  

The truth is, we are all beginners, and we are beginners much more often than we are ever experts.   

When you see yourself as a loser, there is no hope. There’s just a life sentence of losing, and tears on the 4th tee box.

No one deserves that.  

But when you see yourself as a beginner, everything changes. Life is full of hope and the chance to become better. You get a life sentence of learning.  

It’s your choice how you see yourself.  

I feel pretty lucky right now.

Not because life is working out perfectly…it’s not…I’m in the middle of a few messy situations, and they suck, and I would rather not be in them, but somehow I’m managing to stay in the moment most of the time, and this is a pretty new thing for me.

Back in my old life when I was walking on eggshells and felt like I was in survival mode most of the time, I was always trying to out think everything. You can’t live in the moment from that space, and it’s been a slow unravelling for me to step away from all of the thoughts and habits that I built in that life.

I saw the new Thor movie this week. It was quite enjoyable, and quite funny. Some of the funniest parts came from where Thor was in deep trouble and perfectly ok with what was happening. This is what it looks like when someone is in the moment.

I am realizing that being in the moment is a trait in people that I have always loved but didn’t know how to put my finger on. The best people are the ones that aren’t overly disturbed by life and just taking it as it comes. My mom is one of those people.

I am learning that my intuition is spot on when I’m in the moment. If I’m not manufacturing my own thoughts trying to control a situation, then I can receive and hear the intuitive messages that pop into my awareness. I fell into a moment of survival this week and started trying to control a situation…my intuition left the building completely.

I’ve noticed that when I’m living in the moment I might all of a sudden get the message that what I’m doing isn’t working, then it feels like I am teleported to the right path. All of the right people show up at the right moment to help me get where I need to go. It’s the craziest thing, but I shake their hands, laugh a little, gratefully accept their help, and keep moving forward.

On top of all of the little nuances I’ve already mentioned, there are two things I’ve noticed that have helped me to stay in the moment.

I need a direction to head towards. Knowing where I want to go and not knowing what I’m doing or how to get there is a blessing (who knew?) it keeps my opinion, and ego, out of the equation. When I am totally aimless I fall into survival mode way too easy.

I have to keep making choices and taking action without any attachment to anything which leads us to the second thing.

I need to keep moving forward. Being in the moment comes from flow, and there isn’t flow if we stick our feet in one spot. I don’t want to move forward all of the time, I have pain and tension in my hips right now because my feet want to stay stuck instead of pushing forward through this messy part of life (yes this is a real thing but I have never been able to feel the tension build up before).

One of my friends from my mastermind group posted a quote on Facebook the other day from Jimmy Valvano. This quote comes from an inspirational speech he gave 2 months before he died of cancer. I think he’s talking about living the best life you can, in the moment

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.”
– Jimmy Valvano

I don’t know for sure, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe that’s why my tears have been flowing so freely lately. I’ve been following this advice and having some pretty great days amongst the chaos.

I am not sure how long it will last but I feel pretty lucky right now.

I told my dad once it wouldn’t matter to me if I lived in a cardboard box as long as I was happy, and I believed it whole-heartedly in my youth.

But what I didn’t know was that being so broke you can’t buy groceries to feed your children was sickening … which led to having bill collectors phone so often you can’t bear to look at the phone, and borrowing from Peter to pay Paul only leaves you in a worse spot. 

There was no way to be happy in those circumstances for me.

I read Tony Robbins book Unshakeable recently and in there he talks about how Neuoscientists have found that the part of the brain that process financial loss is the same part that responds to mortal threats.

I can fully attest to that being true.

I still go into a crazy fear spiral, I get sick to my stomach, I sweat, and I walk around on the verge of tears if I get a large unexpected bill or if someone says I owe them money I haven’t paid.  

I had a dentist appointment one day, and I had just opened a $6000 surprise bill before I walked in.  I remember the dental assistant trying to calm me down thinking I was afraid of the x-ray machine when in fact I was Ina major fear response from my mail.

Worse than that, if my bank balance doesn’t stay at a level I have determined is comfortable for me, especially after paying those unexpected bills,  I immediately go into scarcity and survival mode.

Tony said, because of how we are wired our brains believe financial downfall is certain death. 

In the book, he talked about PTSD when it comes to financial crisis… but then he talked about something even more interesting, he called it Post Traumatic Growth.

The times that shock us the worst and cause us the most pain can also create tremendous amounts of growth if we let them, he talked about survivors of The Holocaust are some of the most warm and loving people he has ever met.

Post Traumatic Growth is where we need to focus, after all you can either grow or you can die.

As for me, I think my cardboard box theory is over.  

I volunteered at the homeless shelter a few years ago, and I certainly didn’t find the happiest people in the world there.

I still strongly believe happiness doesn’t come from what you have bought with money.  

Happiness comes from being healthy and feeling ok inside, growing instead of dying through the hard times, following your heart and living your truth, and serving others.

To me, that’s the perfect combination.  

In her book, A Path Made Clear, Oprah talks about the doubters that tried to tell her she wouldn’t be able to pull off her Leadership School for Girls in Africa.  She replied to one particular reporter who was giving her a hard time about it, 

“Don’t bet against me.  You can not defeat someone who knows who they truly are.  I know who I am and why I am truly doing this, so I would not bet against me.”

You can not defeat someone who knows who they truly are.   I believe this to be true.

The storms of life teach us who we truly are.  You don’t figure that out when life is easy and things are rolling because you are deceived into thinking you have everything figured out.  

You sort yourself out when things are hard, but when the stakes are so high that giving up isn’t an option.

That is when your beliefs, your conditioning, and your behaviour programs are showing up in full force.  

That is when everyone else is trying to tell you who you are.

That is when you get to choose who you want to be and how you are going to show up.

And when you figure out that you have a power within you that is guiding you, and you align your intention (why you are doing what you are doing) with it, you can not be defeated.  

And once you get a taste of it, you can apply it everywhere in your life.

The stakes are always high, you just might not see it yet.

Today is a lunar eclipse and a full moon, and if my sources are right, they are happening very close together.

In the astrological world, each one holds its own kind of energy and power. The more I have paid attention to it, the more I have seen that energy fluctuates and shifts around the moon phases.

We have been talking a lot about goals and dreams in the self awareness group. Today is a good day to nail yours down… but if nothing else spend a few moments envisioning where you would like your life to go from here.

If you really want to take advantage of the moon energy, then the most potent time is going to be between 1:00 & 2:30 MST.

Allow yourself to dream as big as you want. Don’t talk yourself out of it, just let your imagination run wild.

Once you have the vision, bask in it.

You can leave it there for today, but if you are wondering how to get there, there is more you can do.

First you need to decide if you really want to do what it takes to become the person who achieves that dream. Understand that might mean leaving friends behind, or changing almost every part of your current life.

In order to get new results, you need to do new things. You can’t get there by staying the same person you are now.

We start to self sabotage when we are chasing our dreams and faced with hard choices if we haven’t already predetermined we will be ok and want to level up.

If you still want to achieve that dream, then break it down.

What skills will you need to learn, how will you keep yourself disciplined to do the work, what kinds of people will you need to seek out and surround yourself with?

Today is the best energy day to work through all of this.

Also, beware that the strong energy today might cause some volatility in your life. I always like to know these things because it helps me to not take what’s happening as personally.

There are so many people in the world who think small, stay in their comfort zone, and tell you you can’t do something.

They tell you that you can’t do it because they couldn’t do it, or don’t want you to do it.

It’s never about you.

When someone tells you that you can’t do something, it feels personal. But it’s not… it’s always about them.

It’s never about you.

So go ahead and do the thing. You can do it, and you must.

Otherwise you might spend your whole life wondering if you could have …

When we are hiding it’s easy to solve other people’s personal problems. We can see their shortcomings, errors in judgment, bad habits, and incompetence from the sidelines.

You see this all of the time with parents in sports events, kids clubs, and activities. Nobody wants to volunteer, and everyone wants to complain.

But we see it in other places too. At work. At home. And at play.

But here’s the thing. No matter how well intentioned you are, you don’t get to define, or blame, or solve other people’s problems.

Nobody wants you to do that for them because even we things are going poorly, we are all doing the best we can.

I have had lots of practice solving other people’s problems because I was hiding for so long. There are often times I “know” what someone’s hang-up is year’s before they do.

I used to think I was helping with unsolicited advice about how they could overcome their hang-ups, solutions to their problems, and better choices they could make.

Even if I was spot on in my assessment I realized they don’t do anything about it until they see the problem themselves, acknowledge it, and explore solutions.

Then I realized I am the same way.

Major change is hard because you have to become a different person in order to sustain it. This goes for health, relationships, finances, and personal growth.

You have to stop hiding and show up in order to make that change. When you’re busy showing up, you see the journey differently, and you get focused on your path and where you’re heading… and begin to lose interest in the shortcomings of others.

You get to observe how their personal problems affect your life. Then decide if you want to engage, partake, or walk away.

I have veered myself away from being in a love relationship for a long time now.

I didn’t trust myself to make healthy choices.

I have examined, and continue to examine, the lens through which I view love relationships and I have questioned more than once what the real purpose is to being in a long term union.

My relationship track record has its highs and lows, just like anyone else’s… but there is no doubt I’ve been spooked and I don’t trust myself.

I don’t trust myself to choose the right person, I don’t trust myself to keep my autonomy, and I don’t trust myself to walk away if it’s not working.

Just recently I was listening to a Tony Robbins podcast with Esther Perel and they were having an interesting conversation about all things relevant to relationships (you can click the link to listen if you are interested…don’t let the show title fool you).

When she started talking about losing yourself in relationships my ears perked up.

This describes me perfectly…and it’s the key reason why I don’t trust myself.

In the interview Esther talked about what draws people to their partners.
She said research shows that we are really drawn to people when they are in their element and doing what they love.

All of sudden the lights came on for me.

When I pull up images in my own mind of “being drawn to people” it’s always when they are in their element.

There are few things I love more than to watch someone else who is lit up, doing what they love, and totally in their own power.

I had never put much thought into it and didn’t know this was a universal feeling.

When I am in a relationship I always give that part of myself up (pretty sure I’m not alone here).  

I take on a role of servitude and stop doing the things I love to do.

This servant role doesn’t fit very well with me, and that’s how I lose myself.

I love to help others, I want to make the world a better place, I love all people dearly (even the ones I “shouldn’t”) … but I’m not a very good maid or servant (in fact it makes me really ornery) and I’m certainly not lit up or in my power while cooking and cleaning up after everyone else.

This realization has turned the lights on for me. It feels like I got the permission I needed to keep (and strongly defend) my autonomy in a relationship.

I love to see someone else in their element, and so does everyone else… which means that we all need to find the time to figure out what we love and then do it. 

While we do “our thing” we need to allow ourselves to be fully immersed and be in our element.

It’s not selfish, it’s a drawing card, and other people derive pleasure from watching you (whether they admit it or not).

I love it when we see something from a new angle it gives us new hope.
When was the last time you allowed yourself to be fully immersed in something you love?

Sometimes emotional pain takes hold of us so strongly that we slip into periods of depression and isolation or we shut down and operate in survival mode trying to carry on with life because we have no other choice.

A few years ago I had the realization that when you walk into your pain, whatever it’s from, and stay with it, it dissipates. It was such a surprise to me because I had spent so many years running from pain, and hiding pain, or being “emotionally strong”.

When you walk into love, it grows. Until then I hadn’t realized that different feelings follow different energetic rules, but they do.

The emotions that feel good, that are high are the map of consciousness, are the ones we need to lean into and towards. When you choose these emotions on purpose they bring their friends, the other good feelers, to the party. At which point I usually become overwhelmed and cry.

The emotions that feel bad, and are low on the map of consciousness, are there to give us guidance. They tell us that we have an open wound, a toxic thought pattern, or an unhealthy attachment. They are almost always rooted in fear. When you choose to ignore, hide, or lean towards these bad feelings, they also bring their friends to the party, which creates a downward spiral of darkness.

Here’s the thing I learned. The bad feeling emotions have a very large purpose. They feel bad for a reason. We are not supposed to like them, or enjoy them. They bring us suffering, and illness, and pain. They put pressure on us to make a different choice.

Some people dull them with medication, or drugs or alcohol. They are completely missing the gift that comes with them.

We need to walk towards those bad feelings, dig into them, find out why they are there and what they are trying to teach us. If you stay with those feelings, ask hard questions, search for the root fear until you find the answer, then you can let it go. If you dull them, you lose the guidance and the next time the pain has a new layer added and brings more friends to the party.

Let yourself be changed by emotional pain. That’s what it’s intended for, that’s the gift it brings.

The person you will find on the other side, when you allow yourself to be changed, is full of all the good feeling emotions at the top of the map of consciousness. That’s where the world has more colour, the light inside you is brighter, and there is beauty all around you, and that’s the ultimate goal for all of us.

If you knew that all that was holding you back from the life you dream of is yourself would you figure it out?

If you knew that all that is holding you back is that you don’t like feeling uncomfortable or scared … would it change things?

If you knew for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that everything would turn out better if you just got out of your own way… what would you do?

These are questions worth asking.

Over and over I see so many people put limitations on themselves, and self sabotage and stop playing big because of what is in their head. Not because of what is in their heart.

I’ve done it. And I’ve over analyzed it, and I have worked through a lot of it.

But I’m still constantly working at getting out of my own way.

My life is waiting for me.

Your life is waiting for you.

The only thing holding us all back, is our beliefs, our excuses, and our self made limitations.

It doesn’t have to be hard.

It doesn’t have to be blood and sweat and tears.

It doesn’t have to be painful.

You just have to decide you want something different and do something about it.

The crumbling and unfolding happens as you go.

But you must go

I have put a lot of energy into helping other people in my life.

Some of it was genuinely for the good of the other person, and some of it was because I’m avoiding what’s happening in my life.

I have been known to focus on someone else’s problems instead of my own. It’s just so much easier to see what’s wrong in someone else’s story, and it’s so much easier to tell someone what to do rather than do it yourself. But over the years I’ve learned that you can’t make the change for someone else. You can offer them information, give them feedback, and encourage them when they are trying.

But you can’t do it for them

My time is much better spent becoming the best version of myself that I can. Which means making change inside of me.

And in order to make change inside of yourself, you have to do things differently.

If you are a slow starter, then start acting immediately.

If you over think, start acting without thinking.

If you are reactive, learn to practice pausing before acting.

Sometimes we need to go to the complete opposite action in order to come back to centre. That’s ok! Once you know both sides you can balance it out.

But if you are going to keep doing things the way you’ve always done them… your life will stay like it is now.

That’s not how we are wired. We are wired for progress.

So in order to progress, you’re going to have to do it differently. Don’t worry though, if it doesn’t work out (it will work out) you can always go back to doing things like you are now (but I’m pretty sure you won’t want to)

I have spent my fair share of time with toxic people.  

By toxic, I mean people that don’t grasp the concept of being nice to other humans, in a myriad of ways.  They gossip, they control, they bully, they attack, they criticize etc etc.  With no regard or respect for the other person.

I have always felt like these kinds of people could, can and do affect my life and will always affect my life and the lives of others around them.

Just recently I’ve started seeing it differently.  

Mom always quotes Wayne Dyer, “change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change”.  Which is no easy task with our worldview and whatever lens we wear, so I always think it’s a small miracle when we can pull it off.  

I believe the universe always has our back (the title of Gabby Bernsteins latest book).  

If we work with it by not focusing on ourselves and what we have to lose which spirals us into fear, doubt, worry, blame or other emotions lower on the emotional guidance scale (see the blog I wrote about that), we stay in the flow, focusing on what we have to gain and what the universe has in store for us without self sabotaging.  

Therefore, even when it appears like another human has an element of control over your future (boss, landlord, parents etc), they really don’t if we don’t allow it, because our paths are infinitely supported by the universe.  And whatever they are up to or scheming about is their circus, their monkeys and their contribution to the universe.  It’s really not my business.  

This is a really new understanding for me and I can feel that even though I get it, I don’t fully own it yet. 

Sometimes these glimpses of faith and understanding we get are hard to hang on to unless we stick with them. 

I am going to work hard to really own this new perspective so i will be looking for it and examples of it as I go about my days.

If you have stories to share that support this worldview I would love to hear them.  

If you don’t see your worth…

If you settle for less because it seems easier…

If you compromise more than you are willing….

If you let others tell you who you are…

If you stay in a place that stifles you…

If you don’t say no…

You are selling yourself short.

And then you know what happens?

You will get frustrated, and then you will become apathetic, and then you will shut down.

Slowly your light will start to fade, and depression will begin to set in.

But…

If you believe in yourself.

If you advocate for yourself.

If you stand up for what is right.

And if you know you are contributing in ways that are important,

Then you will learn, and grow, and get closer to aligning your outside life with your inside life.

Do not sell yourself short, you are not on sale.

You can get where you want to go, but you’ll have to stand up to do it.