Blog

I haven’t used scientific studies to validate what I teach.

I have learned a lot about the brain and I incorporate it into my lessons because I think it’s important.

But I don’t (or at least I haven’t) dug into the research to see what “most people” do or react.

I take what I’ve learned, I digest it and understand it in a way that makes sense to me, and then I teach it from my perspective.

Last night I was listening to a podcast from someone who I respect, and he spoke down to people who don’t use science backed research when they teach.

And it triggered my shame tapes and imposter syndrome.

My inner critic is always looking for a reason why I’m not good enough, or qualified enough, or smart enough to show up.

We all have that critic. The one who says you are better off staying small and letting someone else do it.

And while that’s perfectly acceptable, it’s a lot more fun to challenge yourself to start before you are ready and see who you become.

In my case, I know that what I have learned has changed my life, and I am watching the people who have learned from me step into their power, show up beautifully for life with open hearts and start on the path towards their dreams.

And they are doing it without science backed research.

At the end of the day, you can’t let some guy who has already made it to use his marketing position to shut you down.

And you can’t let your mother in law, or your high school teacher, or your ex best friend shut you down either.

You can not let the thoughts that run through your head control your life. It’s one of you think them, but you decide to keep moving forward towards the life you are planning and building anyway.

What matters is that you care to make the world a better place and you come from love.

The rest of the mess are just skills and tactics to spread your message, reach more people, and make a bigger impact.

But none of that can happen if you let someone else’s beliefs, opinions and words play too big of a role in your life.

Our ego likes to think we are different. It works overtime to separate us from the pack.

It doesn’t think you can be the same as others because you are special.

Your situation is special.

It’s harder for you because ….

It won’t work because….

You can’t because…

And you string a long story about why you are an exception to the rule.

Just for today, double check those assumptions.

You are just as capable and just as worthy as anyone else. And it’s likely your situation isn’t all that special.

If you stop making yourself different, you can usually start finding solutions.

I listened to a podcast from Esther Perel.

Esther is a lady who has been doing couples counselling for years.

In order to study marriages to see what works, she dove into marriages that fail in order to grasp why they fail and understand what causes it.

She said if the two partners fall into care taking roles for each other, it resembles closely to a parent-child relationship.  Because one of the major taboos in humans is “sex within the family”, all passion is lost.

I had light bulbs coming on all over the place for me because I have almost always ended up in the caretaker role in my relationships, I felt the lack of passion and never understood why.

Esther says in order to keep the passion fully alive (and who doesn’t want that?) both partners have to be fully responsible for themselves and trust the other one to do the same.

That’s why the idea of “self-carriage” from yesterday’s blog post is so huge to me.

This is my first time doing a “Part 2” to a blog post but I felt like I didn’t explain it very well yesterday so I’m taking another shot and giving you some context to go with it.

When I watch the video of Stacy and Roxy this is what I see, usually through tears in my eyes.  (Click here to watch again)

They have a deep bond with deep levels of trust.

Stacy & Roxy take cues from each other, and they dance together… not because either of them feel like they have to… also not because one of them is taking the lead or being the boss… but because they have equality in their partnership.

They have a mutual respect for each other’s talent and gift.

The trust that this ride displays is massive.

Roxy doesn’t have to take lead mare position and that shows her absolute trust in Stacy.

Stacy doesn’t have to use a bridle or a saddle and that shows her absolute trust in Roxy.

They know the other is steadfast in their commitment to the other one.

The love and trust is flowing both ways the whole time.

Stacy and Roxy are completely connected and absorbed in their dance together.

Those parts have always been obvious to me “the horse girl” watching this performance.

But the self carriage part, as Stacy defined it, coupled with what I had learned listening to Esther, speaks to their autonomy, and to the part of me that longs for this kind of relationship.

They are not leaning on or depending on each other at all.

Stacy is riding perfectly balanced and at peace without asking Roxy to hold her up… and Roxy is calm and perfectly balanced, not leaning on Stacy, and at peace with her job… yet they are doing it together as extensions of each other.

Roxys legs have become Stacy’s legs.

And Stacy’s leadership has become Roxys compass.

“Self-carriage is required for them to blend into each other and become extensions of one another.” ~ Stacy Westfall 

When we achieve that state in our relationships/marriages we can become wild and passionate and free within the union.

If both people are on board and understand the dynamics, this would be most beautiful relationship you could imagine.  I wish for you to have it.

Both people have to be in physical and emotional balance, spiritually aligned, and connected.

You may have to reinvent yourself, and your partner may have to also reinvent themselves in order to get there,  life is a continuous journey of reinventing ourselves.

Esther says it’s normal and healthy  to have 3-4 different marriages with the same person.

If you love each other but are lacking passion, this might be a great conversation to have, and a goal to strive for.

It will bring up some areas that need attention.  It won’t happen overnight, but I guarantee you it will be worth it when you get there.

What happened the last time you allowed yourself to be vulnerable?

Hard question isn’t it?   We prefer to ignore these questions and glaze over them.  But just hear me out for a second.   

Have you ever said, I’m really scared you might not love me anymore?

Or I’m so afraid to be left out because I’m struggling with where I even belong in the first place?

I have felt all of these ways, and more.   We all do.   But I don’t usually talk about it.  

Have you ever voiced these universal deep seated fears?

Everyone is hard wired to need love and connection, and we are all deeply afraid to find out we aren’t worthy of it.  

The struggle is very real.  

My typical response to these feelings is to withdraw, pull away and block my heart.  Some people lash out and become aggressive  (I’ve tried this one too), some people try to please and appease (yep sign me up under this one also).  Alas, this only exasperates our fears, and ultimately leaves us feeling disconnected and isolated.  But at least then it is our choice…kind of anyway.  

What I’m learning is, we need to move toward these feelings instead of hiding them.  The only way to dissipate them is to talk about them with someone who empathizes.   

These conversations will bring us closer, create deeper connections and love instead.   

But they aren’t easy.   In fact they are scary and hard to diagnose.  

Some people won’t receive or handle it well.   

Some people will turn it around and make you feel bad for feeling this way.  

Some people will belittle or criticize you, and some people will try to fix you. 

But some people will hear you and say, I’ve been there too.  Bless these people they are pure gold.   

We have all been there.   And we will all continue to be there as we show up for life.  

Remember this when you are on the receiving end of someone being brave enough to open up.   Be the guy who says, I’ve been there before.   

These conversations are so worth having.  

Be brave enough to have them and see what happens next.  

Last year in Seth Godins marketing seminar I learned that we can change the world and at the end of last year I read Power vs Force by Dr. David Hawkins.

Put those two concepts together and I learned that we can change the world and the that we can do great things with power of love.

These two things have put me on a brand new path in life. They changed me as much as learning how to direct my thoughts.

I didn’t believe I could make change happen before. I don’t have a hook in my brain to even hang the idea of making change on. I thought that I just had to accept everything the way that it was, I believed acceptance was the path towards peace.

Our beliefs are a major driving force in our operating system. They stop us from leveling up, from learning new things, and from making a change in life. Beliefs come from thinking a thought long enough and looking for evidence to prove it right over and over.

That’s what had happened to me. I was living small and safe in the micro level looking for macro changes. I was focused on one individual who didn’t want to change in big ways, and I formed my belief system from that.

Living small and safe doesn’t serve anyone. I now see that by chipping away at the big things and looking for small changes along the way is how you actually make change happen.

I had it backwards, but I had to break down some really strong beliefs in order to see it.

There might not be a big secret, or magic bullet that will get you from here to there.

There probably isn’t going to be an overnight success, or windfall come your way.

As Seth Godin always says, “Oprah isn’t going to pick you”.

But that’s no reason to stay small and not start.

You already know the secret.

Mindset is every thing. Your thoughts are what make or break you. Discipline, focus, and courage are the companions.

You have it within you to get where you want to go, you honestly have to figure out how to get out of your own way.

Over and over and over again you will get in your way. With self doubt, fear, spirals, spins, and anxiety.

It’s a never ending journey and you can’t go at it alone.

Find a friend, be a friend, and enlist as much support as you can.

You will need someone to see your strengths, pick you up when you fall, kick your butt when you stall, and celebrate your wins.

We are lucky to live in this time, and in this place. We have so many options and freedom to do what we want.

Now you know all of the secrets – what are you doing to do?

I used to think love meant sacrifice.

I gave up my opinions, my questions, my friends, and my dreams and made my life all about someone else. I supported theirs and completely dropped my own.

Every once in a while I would get a pang in my heart when I would allow myself to ‘want’ something.

When someone else would do something for me that made me feel special it would always make me cry.

In 15 years of “being in love” I can only remember one time that I actually fought for something I wanted… afterwards it felt like I had had a temper tantrum because I wasn’t getting my way, and I never did it again.

I shut down all of my hopes, dreams and wishes and I became apathetic because I felt trapped and unimportant.

It left me in victim mentality all of the time. I was extremely sensitive to criticism and judgement because I didn’t know who I was anymore, or what ground I had to stand on and I was floundering.

I had to be on my own for several years to start to figure myself out again.

I needed the space to be able to make 1000 wrong choices, without being questioned, ridiculed, or blamed in order to figure out one right choice for me.

I needed to have the space to make 1000 bad ideas so that I could find a decent one that worked for me.

I needed the room to explore all of the things in my heart that I had put on a pedestal as unobtainable or that I was unworthy of.

I am still exploring.

I still have more bad ideas than good ideas.

I still make a lot of wrong choices.

But I am making choices now instead of sacrifices. I am here to tell you there is a huge difference in how life looks, feels and responds to someone who is making choices compared to someone who is making sacrifices.

Through my own self love I have decided that if love has to mean something, then it means freedom.

Freedom to mess up, make mistakes, fail, choose something that doesn’t work, and the freedom to do it all over again if you need to.

Freedom to be who you choose to be.

Freedom to follow what’s in your heart.

Freedom to explore new beginnings and the freedom to become a better version of yourself with every experience.

This is how we need to love ourselves and this is how we need to love one another.

You might fall down, waste time, get dirt on your face, or have to start back at square one.

You might have to watch someone else fall down, waste your time, or get dirt on their face.

But you allow them the freedom and encourage them to make enough mistakes so that they find a win all on their own.

“If you love something, set it free.”

I used to think that meant let it go, but now I think it means to take the chains off.

Room and space to think is important, but so is consistent action.

Too much of one or the other will take you backwards.

Its a dance between building your outer life, and taking apart your inner one.

Thinking gives you a chance to see what’s happening, sort things out, notice what is working, and heal.  If you don’t give yourself the time to think, you keep repeating patterns and reacting to life in the same ways.

But too much thinking will paralyze you.  It creates self doubt, wears you out, and brings overwhelm.

So you have to keep taking action.  Trying new things, learning new skills, applying new knowledge and consistently showing up.

But then you need to take stock.  Taking time to think and process the changes that are happening so you can assess what direction to head when you get going again.

Then you stop thinking and get going.

Being present, in the moment, and accepting what is happening as it happens.

Then processing, sorting it out, remembering what’s important and trying again.

Don’t stay in either space too long, just go back and forth between them.

Thats the journey framework.

Have you been doing too much thinking?  Or taking too much action?

If you were offered a chance to save the world in some way, would you do it?

If you answered yes it might be because that’s how you would like to be seen. You might want to be the good guy who’s known for doing good deeds, you might like the status that it would bring, and it might fulfill your need to do meaningful work.

If you answered no it might be because you don’t want to be on the hook. You might not want the responsibility that comes with a position like that or you might be worried you would be seen as a fraud because you don’t know how to save the world.

These are the deep forces that drive our behaviour and our decision making.

Once you begin to see this framework in yourself, you will start to see it in others. All of a sudden it’s a whole lot easier to not take things personally.

Sometimes I forget how great music can be for lifting your spirits, opening your heart, and shifting the energy around you.

Live music always has the most profound effect. My favorite is an outdoor concert.

Keith Urban had to cancel his upcoming concerts, so he went live on Instagram the other night and performed a few songs. I woke up to it. And it was a fantastic way to start the day.

He played a song off his new album that I hadn’t heard yet. But it’s so appropriate for our life right now that I decided you need to hear it.

I highly suggest cranking it up as you head back home into quarantine… but you should probably listen to it now too.

There really is nothing like coming home, don’t forget that.

Lyrics

I wake up feeling, in my soul I’m
Living someone else’s life
I’m turning into concrete, harder than these city streets
Where no one even cares if I’m alive I gotta get it right
Get it right, mmm mmm There’s a place that I know where they all know me
I gotta get back now to the ones who love me
Wrap myself around you, never let you go
There’s nothing in the world that feels like
The place that I know where they all know me
I’ve gotta get back now to the ones who love me
Wrap myself around you, never let you go
There’s nothin’ in the world that feels like
Coming home, home, home, mmm
Coming home My mind’s heavy and I can’t sleep, not even a memory
Is good enough to get me through the night, mmm
I’m longing for the real thing, people who know the real me
And all the ways to love me back to life Mmm, I gotta get it right, ooh, yeah
Get it right, ooh, yeah There’s a place that I know where they all know me
I gotta get back now to the ones who love me
Wrap myself around you, never let you go
There’s nothin’ in the world that feels like
The place that I know where they all know me
I gotta get back now to the ones who love me
Wrap myself around you, never let you go
There’s nothin’ in the world that feels like
Coming home, home, home, mmm
I’m coming home, home, home, mmm
I’m coming home Yeah I know it’s only one call away but it’s not the same
Yeah I know it’s only one call away but it’s not the same (just not the same)
Yeah I know it’s only one call away but it’s not the same (it’s not the same)
Yeah I know it’s only one call away but it’s not the same There’s a place that I know where they all know me
I gotta get back now to the ones who love me (oh baby)
Wrap myself around you, never let you go
There’s nothin’ in the world that feels like (hey)The place that I know where they all know me
I gotta get back now to the ones who love me
Wrap myself around you, never let you go
There’s nothin’ in the world that feels like
Coming home I’m feeling lost in all the madness
I need somewhere to ease my mind
Coming home
These sidewalks filled with different faces
So many place but there’s none like mine
Coming home

Let’s choose each other today.

Let’s separate ourselves from the society that tries so hard to separate us through comparison and envy and fear…even though we all belong here.

Today, let’s lift each other up and support each other.
Let’s be kind with our words and fierce with our heart.

When we speak love, the world responds to us with love.  It’s magic, the more you give the more you get.

Let’s be intentional about spreading love, and maybe, just maybe, we can change the world a little bit… just for today.
If it all goes well, maybe we can have a do-over tomorrow.

Here’s to you my friends…

I love you fiercely.

We have buried our childhood wounds and some of us have suppressed memories. Others are out of touch with who they are, and some are on a constant search to figure out who they really are.

We partially isolate ourselves by having independent living spaces, we are a community animal and relationships are important for our happiness and well being.

Our ego wants to separate us from each other by thinking we are different, competing and comparing against each other, and closing our hearts.

One of the greatest acts of humility I have learned is to understand that we are not different, but all connected to each other and so much the same. Anything that scares me, will probably scare you. I’ve experienced feelings of shame, anger, rage, and joy… and so have you.

If I try to hurt you, I am also hurting myself. We share humanity, our soul happily responds to caring for each other. As I learn to love myself and take of myself better, you reap the benefit of my whole self.

Navigating togetherness while being enslaved to our ego is hard. It helps to learn about our ego and how it works to keep us separate, but it helps even more to learn humility.

I am always asking, “how can we serve and help each other but still look after ourselves?”

Seek connection and learn to set boundaries.

Open your heart without compromising your self.

Reach out to each other, understand the journey is hard for everyone, drop your armour, and let go of judgement.

We are all on the same journey it’s just manifesting differently for each of us.

Sometimes we make the mistake of focusing on the things we don’t want in life.

Maybe we don’t want the debt, or we don’t want the conflict, or possibly we don’t want our jobs.

They say knowing what we don’t want helps us figure out what we do want, and it’s true. But in order to do that we can’t stay stuck in the “don’t want” thought patterns. We need to notice what we don’t want and then quickly switch gears to think about what we do want.

Maybe you want success, maybe you want peace, and maybe you want different work.

This mind shift alone is a huge step and will bring more rich communication and better planning so that you can see what’s possible.

Taking it one step further to define what that looks like for you, in your life, is a game changer. What does success look like for you? What does peace look like? What kind of work would be meaningful to you?

Training yourself to think well is critical. Without it we flounder around complaining about what’s not right. Nobody likes a complainer.

They say grief is the price we pay for love.  

When I first heard this, I didn’t like it.  Grief is so difficult to navigate.  There are so many different emotions and stages, and it can bring  you to your knees at moments you are least expecting it, over and over again.   

Why is the payment so harsh, for something so beautiful?

The more I understand real love, the more I’m beginning to understand.  

We grow and flourish with love.  

When we are supported by it, we can be brave and do things we had never considered doing before.  

Love heals us.  

Love strengthens us.  

Love changes us.  

Love provides us with elements of life we can’t run to the store to buy.   

Real love is a privilege.  

So when we lose someone who has given us a portal towards these privileges, there is no easy button.  There is no way to sail through unscathed by their disappearance from our lives.  

When you look at the big picture, when you are grateful for the blessings love brings.   The payment for it doesn’t seem harsh, it seems minuscule in comparison.   

And aren’t we so fortunate to receive the gifts love brings to us, before payment is due.  
 

I don’t like to be wrong.

I can remember the hot shame and ridicule from my school days of getting something wrong and the other kids thinking it was funny.

I didn’t recognize it as shame at the time… embarrassment maybe, or just feeling stupid, but I can see it more clearly now.

It’s the shame that makes you feel like you aren’t worthy, or won’t be loved because you aren’t enough, because you didn’t know, or because you made a mistake. And if we don’t ever find a reason to overcome it, then that shame can keep us small and haunt us for years.

If we don’t forgive ourselves for all of the times we didn’t know before, and all of the times we aren’t going to know in the future – we stay trapped in the shame. And we stay stuck.

But the truth is you are going to get it wrong.

And if you have let the shame of being wrong stop you from trying, then hopefully you learn that’s wrong too.

We can’t stop trying.

We have to have an opinion.

We have to put a stake in the ground.

We have to make decisions.

We have to step into the unknown.

And in order to do so, we have to know we will probably be wrong.

You’re going to get it wrong a lot more often than you’ll get it right, but after the first draft, or the first time, or the first wrong, you will start to find the path towards right.

And when you get it right, it feels good.

Just for today, let yourself be wrong and pretend like you might be right. Move forward and do it like a boss.

Being “right” will happen soon enough… but it will not happen at first.

Whatever the thing is that is upsetting you, or giving you anxiety is probably not to blame.

It’s the story you are attaching to it that is causing you grief.

Change your story and you will change your life.

Here are a few things that I’m up to right now.

What I’m reading:   Tools of the Titans by Tim Ferriss.   Tim has written his cliff notes from over 200 podcast interviews he has done (of ‘Titans’ like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Seth Godin, Derek Sivers, Brene Brown) and 700 blog post articles.    I’m loving it as it is all about the framework people have used to become healthy, wealthy and wise.  

What I’m Listening to:  Aside from Christmas music and practicing for karaoke night on Christmas Eve, I have been listening to a super talented young man who won the Stampede Youth Talent contest a couple of years ago.  He released his first single this summer and it’s ridiculously good.  Maybe we should invite him for karaoke!  Christian Hudson, Four Leaf Clover 

Quote I’m Pondering Still:  “The reason you’re suffering is you’re focused on yourself.” – Tony Robbins.  (From Tools of the Titans)   

What I’m grateful for: Being able to breathe… you haven’t forgotten to breathe have you?

Would love to hear what you guys are up to also!   Please do share if you have some free moments during this busy holiday season.

Empathy is hard.

It’s so hard that only the people who really care about social nuance and other people use it, and only the best of those people work at it and fine tune it.

The thing about empathy is that in order to really practice it you have to dig into the ugly places within yourself. You can’t truly understand what it’s like in another persons shoes until you understand how all of the bad stuff feels and works inside of you.

Shame is awful and so is rejection, abandonment, and isolation. We work tirelessly and unconsciously to protect ourselves against these feelings. Running programs we aren’t even aware of.

I used to shut my heart down and become cold to avoid the ugliness. My knee jerk reaction was to push people away … usually because they hadn’t treated me the way I “deserved” to be treated. I could be mean, critical, and full of blame and I could justify every single hurtful thing I did.

In hindsight I can see that all of that only made the situations worse. I was using other people’s bad behaviour to excuse my own. Sometimes it helped in the short run. But ultimately it damaged the long run. It drove me away from the people I loved and hurt my relationships.

Now when I feel myself heading down those paths I realize it’s time to have a chat with myself. When I’m blaming someone else, criticizing their choices, or starting to shut my heart down I stop myself and connect with the person instead. Not face to face, but I connect with how they might be feeling or what could be driving their behaviour.

I ask myself when I’ve done something similar and think about the reasons why I may have acted that way.

This is when I’m being my most empathetic self.

This kind of empathy has taken my relationships to new levels, it has healed some major emotional pain, and it has connected me with people I never could have imagined.

Not everyone is capable of it because they don’t have the skills. I didn’t used to have the skills either. The more we learn, the more we share, the better we can all be.

I read this article this morning. This is a great example of what I’m talking about.