Blog

If you haven’t ever gone against your sense of right and wrong, you may not understand the depths to which shame can immobilize and separate you from society.

If you have, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

If you make a mistake, you have 3 choices.

You can justify your choices to make yourself feel better, you can fall into shame and feel awful, or you can begin to learn a deep level of compassion for yourself and ultimately others who have made mistakes before.

The only way to learn true empathy and deep compassion is by really understanding how awful shame feels.

So there we sat.  

She looked me square in the eye and said, “when you love someone with a heart that is already broken, it’s like you keep trying to fill it up for them, but it just keeps leaking out the bottom.”

And that’s when I began to understand, you can’t love someone enough.  

Until that point, I believed loving someone “enough” would heal their broken heart.  

Looking back on my relationship history, it is apparent I chose people that I thought would be healed from my big, loving, generous heart.  

The problem is, if they don’t believe they are loveable, it is impossible for them to accept love.   Their personal belief prevents it and you can’t love that out of them.  

I couldn’t see that from the inside.   

I always heard that a relationship isn’t 50/50… It’s 100/100.  So when things weren’t working I would try to give more.   

But no matter how loving I was, or how hard I loved, it went unappreciated, rejected and ignored, or at best it was taken for granted.   

So I would try even harder.   Love more.  Hoping to prove my own philosophy to myself.  

Sitting there that day, hearing those words, changed everything.  

That started the unravelling.  

The power of belief is huge.

The over used, over clichèd words of Henry Ford hold so much truth “whether you think you can, or you think you can’t… you’re right”. Because they are talking about our beliefs.

I have had to reprogram a few underlying beliefs that were affecting my operating system without me even realizing it. I had a strong belief that you can’t change others, and this stopped me from speaking up, from standing up for what I believe in, and for even asking for what I wanted. It blocked so many paths in life.

When you believe in possibility, it’s a game changer but it’s not easy.

Possibility is all of the things you don’t see, can’t see, and don’t know if they exist. And it means you have to let go of the notion of impossible which is a lot more comfortable.

Believing in what’s possible requires vulnerability because it might mean failure, it could mean rejection, and it’s almost certain to appear a bit crazy to some people.

Possibility is a bit magical because it’s made up of dreams and aspirations, and believing in it takes courage and perseverance.

The power that lies within belief is huge. When you leverage it, it’s possible that you can make all sorts of miracles happen.

We need to be careful with the idea of belonging. It’s something we all need, but at the same time we are constantly being told to fit in.

Learning the difference between the two is critical. Belonging is a need. Trying to fit in is fear and scarcity based.

In middle school the kids were more direct about it. They make fun of, point out, or ask questions when you’re doing something that isn’t typical. They are afraid of being ostracized and threaten alienation of each other.

But you have to do something against the rules to be actually ostracized from middle school, otherwise you belong there even if the kids try to tell you a different story.

As we get older, the middle school social directness faded away, and since we are all a little scarred from middle school, we pick up on subtle social cues that we aren’t behaving in a way that fits in… a sideways glance, a head nod in our direction, or a whisper can put us right back in those insecure feelings of middle school all over again.

It’s interesting because we live in a society that tells us to fit in, but wants us to stand out. The people who are in the arena and showing up for life in a way that makes them different and unique are the most admired and the most criticized.

We don’t need 6 George Straits. We only need one, and then we want someone different.

We also don’t want 12 Oprah’s or 4 Ellen Degeneres. We only want the one and only.

It’s important to outgrow our middle school training, and find a way to be the most unique version of ourselves amidst the criticism and critiques. That’s what showing up for life is all about.

And if we can model that behaviour to our children, maybe they won’t fear ostracism in middle school and figure this out faster than us.

I used to be a people watcher. When I was young, Mom and Dad would take me to a rodeo or an NHL game and I would spend more time watching people in the crowd than watching the action.

I still enjoy people watching in bits and pieces but I would way rather get to know someone now.

I love to see what lights someone up. I love to seek out what is unique about someone and my most favourite thing is when someone knows themselves well enough to know their strengths and their limits, and then they let that freak flag fly.

My mom got a new 11 month old pup on the weekend, the pup is old enough to know who her person is and she is happily trying to figure Mom out and how to please her. Mom is trying to figure the pup out too. It’s been fun to watch the last 3 days because neither of them are trying to be someone they aren’t, they are just trying to learn about each other and how to work together.

I was chatting with a friend of mine whose son plays minor hockey. My friend is also a people lover and our conversations usually revolve around dreamy things like love, kids, and feelings. He’s active in the community so I asked him if he was going to volunteer for the board of directors for minor hockey. His immediate response was, “no, I’m way too soft for that job”.

It was funny because it was true. He would get eaten alive there, and instead of forcing himself into a place that he wouldn’t fit, he embraced his strengths and weakness in that moment.

I love this.

We don’t have to fit in to places that don’t work for us anymore and we don’t have to make others fit in to our mold.

We can honour who we are, and honour who others are.

We are old enough now, and have enough life experience that we can pick and choose the places that work for us.

You are not ordinary and we don’t want you to be.

You are unique, and quirky, and brilliant, and we are waiting to experience all of you.

We can set ourselves up for a disaster by being too attached to our expectations.

Expecting a fight, we might start a fight.

Expect a person to do something and we feel slighted or let down when they don’t.

Expect a certain result and we feel like failures when we don’t achieve it.

On the Re-calibrating blog, Charles Jones tells the story… “The Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödrön tells a story about a friend who was struggling with feelings of anger and decided to go to the San Francisco Zen Center for an afternoon of meditation. As she started to meditate, she heard this irritating clicking noise. She quickly determined it was just the radiator in an old building, so she ignored it. She then proceeded to meditate for several hours, never noticing the clicking again. After she concluded her meditation, she encountered two friends who had also spent the afternoon meditating. They were both angry at the woman who had been making the irritating clicking noise. They generally had no struggle with anger, but were incensed at the rudeness of this woman’s clicking. She had completely ruined their meditation. Ironically, it was the same sound that was ignored when it was perceived as an old radiator.”

Seth Godin referenced this story on his podcast “Akimbo” last week noting the interesting difference between how something being an inanimate object can be disregarded, but when it’s another person we have expectations and we are angry when those expectations aren’t met.

I’ve had a few experiences recently where I felt extremely let down by my expectations of someone in a position of authority who had the power to do something, and chose not to.

I certainly don’t know all of the reasons for his choices, but I felt like he could have handled the situation differently as I had expected him to, but he didn’t.

I’ve struggled a lot with letting go of my expectations in order to accept the outcome.

Maybe if we don’t expect anything more from another person than we would a radiator, no matter what their status or position is, we could float along a lot more happily.

I know it sure would help me if that’s what I had done.

People are not going to seek you out to be a friend. You have to do it.

Work is not going to seek you out. You have to find it.

Love is not going to fall in your lap. You have to be it.

Community doesn’t just happen, you have to contribute to it.

Life doesn’t become better on it own. You have to figure it out.

If you feel a bit needy, it’s because you have needs that are unmet. But those needs won’t be met by other people.

You have to do it.

We need love and connection and friendship and contribution and community… but once we have grown up, we need to create it for ourselves.

And if you don’t make a conscious effort to fulfill your own needs, life will have you situations that force you to sort it out.

And that’s painful, and it hurts, and it feels really hard.

But when you take responsibility for who you are, and the results you are getting – it changes the way you interact with life.

It changes how you react to life

And it puts you back in the drivers seat.

Every once in a while I like to share some of the things that I think have been excellent or that I am really enjoying.  Today seemed like a great day to do that because I have some really great things to share right now!

What I’m Reading:  Leadership & Self Deception by The Airbinger Institute.  I had lunch with one of my really smart friends Dan Duckering a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned that he suggests everyone he works with reads this book.  When I hear a recommendation like that I jump at it.  I just finished this book and it did not disappoint!  It captured me and I have noticed my worldview has been changed since reading it.  I am a better human for reading this book.  This book is highly recommended by me.

What I’m Listening To:  NPR How I built this Podcast .  This is an excellent podcast featuring all sorts of entrepreneurs and how they built their businesses.  He did an extremely inspiring podcast with Blake Mycoskie, founder of Toms Shoes that I listened to several times and my kids even enjoyed listening to with me.  Blake’s story is a really great story and if this doesn’t make you want to change the world, I don’t know what will.

What I Am Grateful For:  Canada Geese that fly low and talk to each other, warm winter mornings, fresh air, blue Alberta skies, belly laughs, art that moves you, connection with life, horses, indoor arenas, my health, my mobility, real food, family, and friends.

Quote I Am Pondering:  If you get careless or go romanticizing scientific information, giving it a flourish here and there, Nature will soon make a complete fool out of you.”
― Robert M. Pirsig

What I’m watching:  Lately I have been watching more movies than normal because I am trying to stop “doing” all of the time.  We went to see A Star Is Born with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga.  I am not a movie critic, but I was so impressed with the acting.  Typically when you put a rock star in an acting role the performance is less than stellar, but Gaga was so believable I felt like we were getting to know the real her, and Bradley Cooper is a favourite of mine… who knew he could sing like that?  This beautiful song clip will spoil the movie, so don’t watch it unless you are ok with that.

I would love to hear what you have going on or what you have found that you love. Please share in the comments. After all, sharing is caring

What I am currently enjoying:   Johnathan Fields podcast. Currently my favourite of all podcasts.   He asks great questions that move quickly into deep conversations. Listen on iTunes 

What I am working on:   Redesigning my blog in order for people to sign up to have my posts emailed to them.   

The book I am reading:   The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  Love it.  

The quote I’m pondering:  “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble.   It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” Mark Twain.   Has me wondering what I think I know for sure, that might get me into trouble because it’s not as it seems?

Feeling Grateful For:  The privilege of being a mom.   It is so humbling spending time with these amazing little humans who teach and inspire me everyday, genuinely want to share their lives with me, and think I am worthy of giving them guidance.   

I would love to know what you are up to also.   If you are comfortable, or if you aren’t but feel brave, please feel free to share in the comments what you have going on

We constantly make assumptions based on outside appearances. We group things and people into categories and compartmentalize them in our brain.

Sometimes people surprise us, but lots of times they don’t. We are creatures of habit and we follow basic behavioural patterns.

So we need to accept that we will be judged by how we look, act, and the choices we make.

It’s helpful to pay attention to the signals we are sending and aligning them with who we choose to be. This way other people have a better chance of getting it right, which makes our lives infinitely easier.

Do you consider yourself classy? Then showing up drunk with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth probably isn’t the right signal.

Do you consider yourself kind? Then berating your spouse because you don’t like his choices probably isn’t appropriate behaviour.

Do you consider yourself a professional? Then it’s worth considering how a professional shows up in your line of work.

Checking to see if your “book cover” appropriately displays your you helps others to sort out who you are.

Every once in a while I like to share a few of my current favourite things.  I always love to find out what about you so please do tell!

What I’m Reading: Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life From Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed.  I am loving this book so much, I highly recommend downloading the sample onto your kindle for a great snippet of what it’s all about. 

What I’m Grateful For:  Finding a bathroom without a lineup,  suitcases with wheels on them, strangers who help with directions, and uninterrupted time to read.

What I’m Looking Forward To:   Tshirts, shorts and sandals weather. 

Quote I’m Pondering: I have not seen anyone dying of laughter, but I know millions who are dying because they are not laughing. – Dr. Madan Kataria
Have a Great Weekend!

I’ve been asked several times in several different ways, “but what if it changes me?” And sometimes I haven’t been asked, I’ve been told, “this has served me well and I am not going to give it up”.

I have constantly strived for change believing that the better it gets, the better it gets. I never had an answer or response and it took me a long time to even relate to that question.

But then I realized that in the past I had been told I change “too much” and my immediate silent reaction was, “this has served me well and I’m not giving it up”.

Now I understand the feeling better. I didn’t want to give up change any more than other people wanted to give up staying the same.

My idea of leaning into change wasn’t healthy. It came from a place of lack and scarcity and criticism, thinking that I wasn’t ever good enough and that I needed to be different somehow in order to have a better life.

I gave that theory a good shot, I stuck with it a long time and tried everything I knew to make it work for me. In the end I learned that no amount of personal change could ‘fix’ my life.

Somewhere in the middle of all of that chaos I learned something extremely valuable.

Change and transformation aren’t the same thing even though they live under the same umbrella.

All of the time I was searching for the answer and trying to change myself to fit the situation… the situation was transforming me without me realizing it.

Transformation is the golden key because it isn’t about changing into someone else, or something different, or better in any sense. Transformation is about becoming more of who you are at the core. It’s an un-layering and an unfolding and a constant discovery of whatever you can find that makes your light shine brighter. Transformation is a becoming… and a blooming… and a deeper understanding.

Our job is only to allow the transformation to happen and look for opportunities that will keep it in motion.

The more we hang on to the thoughts and beliefs that don’t line up with our core we slow it down and the longer it takes to bloom.

My new answer to the question, “but what if it changes me?” is, “my darling you don’t have to change, you only need to give it permission to help you become more of who you already are”.

Vows, beliefs, and promises are all made up of words that have a strong energetic bond and create chords between you and another person, or situation.

They are hard to undo.

You may hear them, say them, think them, or write them, but they are never to be taken lightly.

They matter and your life will begin to form around them – sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a an unhealthy way.

They can trap you into a place that doesn’t serve you and leave you feeling stuck.

But they can also give you the strength you need to move forward creating a new life if you use them properly.

Sorting out your priorities and then making a promise to fulfill them in alignment with your values will give you a solid foundation for change.

Make sure you include vow to yourself about not breaking your promises, not betraying yourself, and not letting anything or anyone derail you.

This is your life, it is your responsibility to live it to the fullest.  Nobody can or will do it for you.

As my children are growing, I’ve wanted to teach them the value of becoming genuinely good people. 

What is the value to them?   Or to anyone?   

Saying “you need to become a good person for you”… didn’t cut it, it was too ambiguous.  I felt like I needed something a bit more concrete, especially for my teenagers while they are in this crazy experimental stage looking for constant stimulation, where friendships are everything and peer pressure is normal. 

We talk a lot about staying true to yourself, and the discord it causes inside of you when you don’t.  I point it out when they have made choices true to them that feel good… and when they have chose something not true to who they are, and how awful it feels.  

We talk about choosing the kind of person they want to be and how their actions need to line up with that.

Every once in a while the universe shows them the secret.  

Good things happen to good people.  Not always… but sometimes.  Being a good person doesn’t exclude you from life’s struggles, but once in a while you get a gift.

Life is so much about connection, contribution and growth, that’s where the value lies.  

When you are a good person, other good people recognize it.

Good people accept each other, look out for each other, and help each other.  They can be trusted, and you can count on them.   Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?

Einstein said, “try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.”

Good people are valued in my home.  

If it’s draining you…

If it’s making you sick…   

If it’s causing you to lose your hair…

It is poisoning you and your soul.  

If it lights you up…  

If it energizes you…

If it bubbles out of you without effort…

It’s the work you are meant to do, the path you need to be on, or the people you need to be around.  

It’s different for everyone. What drains you, might completely light someone else up.   

Let’s stop doing each other’s work, and let’s all do what we were intended to do.  

Spend your time on what floats your boat.  

Then float on…

I don’t think you should ever give up.

There is so much life out there for you.

We have agency to do as we choose, so you can choose to give up if you want.

I just wish we couldn’t.

The times that were super hard and I would have liked to given up, I was already too deep to quit.

And I’m so grateful for it now.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to burn the boats and not give yourself an option.

It’s also the hardest thing.

But it’s the most worth it in the end.

You just have to endure the pain and keep learning until you get to the part where things start to become clear.

I feel pretty lucky right now.

Not because life is working out perfectly…it’s not…I’m in the middle of a few messy situations, and they suck, and I would rather not be in them, but somehow I’m managing to stay in the moment most of the time, and this is a pretty new thing for me.

Back in my old life when I was walking on eggshells and felt like I was in survival mode most of the time, I was always trying to out think everything. You can’t live in the moment from that space, and it’s been a slow unravelling for me to step away from all of the thoughts and habits that I built in that life.

I saw the new Thor movie this week. It was quite enjoyable, and quite funny. Some of the funniest parts came from where Thor was in deep trouble and perfectly ok with what was happening. This is what it looks like when someone is in the moment.

I am realizing that being in the moment is a trait in people that I have always loved but didn’t know how to put my finger on. The best people are the ones that aren’t overly disturbed by life and just taking it as it comes. My mom is one of those people.

I am learning that my intuition is spot on when I’m in the moment. If I’m not manufacturing my own thoughts trying to control a situation, then I can receive and hear the intuitive messages that pop into my awareness. I fell into a moment of survival this week and started trying to control a situation…my intuition left the building completely.

I’ve noticed that when I’m living in the moment I might all of a sudden get the message that what I’m doing isn’t working, then it feels like I am teleported to the right path. All of the right people show up at the right moment to help me get where I need to go. It’s the craziest thing, but I shake their hands, laugh a little, gratefully accept their help, and keep moving forward.

On top of all of the little nuances I’ve already mentioned, there are two things I’ve noticed that have helped me to stay in the moment.

I need a direction to head towards. Knowing where I want to go and not knowing what I’m doing or how to get there is a blessing (who knew?) it keeps my opinion, and ego, out of the equation. When I am totally aimless I fall into survival mode way too easy.

I have to keep making choices and taking action without any attachment to anything which leads us to the second thing.

I need to keep moving forward. Being in the moment comes from flow, and there isn’t flow if we stick our feet in one spot. I don’t want to move forward all of the time, I have pain and tension in my hips right now because my feet want to stay stuck instead of pushing forward through this messy part of life (yes this is a real thing but I have never been able to feel the tension build up before).

One of my friends from my mastermind group posted a quote on Facebook the other day from Jimmy Valvano. This quote comes from an inspirational speech he gave 2 months before he died of cancer. I think he’s talking about living the best life you can, in the moment

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.”
– Jimmy Valvano

I don’t know for sure, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe that’s why my tears have been flowing so freely lately. I’ve been following this advice and having some pretty great days amongst the chaos.

I am not sure how long it will last but I feel pretty lucky right now.