I heard all of the stories about people who repeat relationship patterns and if you’ve been in one bad one, you are likely to get back into another one. I get spooked when I see a pattern of bad choices start to emerge and I felt like I had my fair share of bad choices with every kind of relationship, friends, business, romantic etc.
I was tired of the results I had been getting in my life and I was aware that there needed to be some big changes.
I had heard that you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most amount of time with, if you want to go places you need to spend time with others who are going places, and you need to be around people who will lift you up and not drag you down. I heard every one of those words and I believed them.
But I had come to a point where I felt like I didn’t know how to choose the right people to be in my life. That was when I really started to cocoon. I didn’t trust myself or my choices. I clung to people who seemed like they should be safe, kept my circle very small, and became a recluse.
I had been reading and learning as much as I could about personality types so that when I found the “right” kind of people I would recognize them, and when I found the “wrong” kind of people I would recognize them too. Slowly I started to test the waters.
There did come a turning point. I’m not sure when it happened because it was so gradual. The were several little lightbulbs that turned on. I gained more confidence when I could spot good behaviour and bad behaviour in others. I noticed the difference it made to my life having a few safe friends and when I steered clear of certain personalities I would find out later it was the right choice.
Eventually I had to decide that my past didn’t have to equal my future. That’s a tricky thing to do. We get so caught up in the stories of our past it’s hard to trust the future, to trust the journey, to trust ourselves, and allow things to be different.
In the end, it was me that needed to change. I needed to learn that not everything was about me in relationships. And then I had to learn that nothing was about me when it came to the other person. The people I “chose” were neither good or bad or right or wrong. They were just living their life, on their journey, learning their lessons, making their own choices, and seeing life through their lens.
I’ve learned there are personalities traits and tendencies I like to be around better than others. I prefer humility over arrogance, curiosity over a know-it-all, willing over resistant, brave over stuck, kindness over criticism, love over judgement, joy over misery, and compassion over anger.
I’ve also learned that everyone is doing the best they can even when its coming from the wrong place.