When relationships go bad I am a healthy mix between unfairly shutting down and shutting it off, or sticking with it long after the expiry date.
I think this is a function of not having a clue what works and doesn’t work or what is healthy or unhealthy behaviour, and therefore not having clear boundaries around all of that.
I just would make calculations based on how I was feeling.
Recently I came across this definition of love …. thanks to a good friend for passing it on to me.
Love Definition:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known. And when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we grow. A connection that can only be cultivated between two people, when it exists between both of them. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive theses injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.
– Brene Brown
If this definition of love is true, then I understand a little bit better.
I understand that in the beginning of a relationship when you start with a clean slate, you build trust which mostly comes from respect, kindness and affection from the other. These are the times it’s easy, you are twitterpated, euphoric and essentially blind.
I can see how when either shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and withholding of affection (I am famous for the latter when I’m struggling with my own vulnerability) creep in they can do the damage. Especially if they repeat, and aren’t acknowledged…then they are impossible to heal.
And let’s not forget how important it is to love ourselves in order to love others.
I feel like having a guideline of what helps love grow, and also what breaks it down, will help all of us consciously build stronger, healthier relationships.
Which is why I am sharing it with you.
We all want this.
Can you imagine a life where you were to never love again?
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better. Do better.”
– Maya Angelou
Now we can do better.