Growing up I was shy, I was defensive, I often felt like the victim, I knew what self preservation was, and I had mad skills for closing my heart and shutting people out when I felt threatened.
All of these are ‘mean girl’ traits… but I never saw myself as a ‘mean girl’.
I never once set out to harm others. I was blunt and bold with my words but never intentionally hurtful unless I was wounded.
I saw myself as sensitive, happy, loving, and an eternal optimist with high standards who loved animals.
Because I was sensitive I felt the need to armour up and protect myself from the mean girls or the boys who might take advantage.
I had one friendship in particular where I felt like I was being treated unfairly (this actually happened a lot because I didn’t have clear boundaries). I cut off the friendship and shut my heart down. I quit taking phone calls and didn’t answer any invitations. It was over and I was ‘done’ with being treated ‘that way’.
That friend gave me the biggest gift.
She persisted and came over to my house for coffee anyway. She sat in my living room open hearted and vulnerable and told me how I had made her felt by shutting her out.
She told me how much she valued our friendship, how much she had wanted to be friends, and how much I had hurt her when I ‘closed for business’ without explanation. She didn’t understand what had gone wrong and she didn’t know how to make it better.
I wasn’t brave in that moment. I didn’t open my heart and explain why I was hurting or why I had backed away. I just told her I was sorry she felt that way but she would be better off with her other friends than me.
Our friendship ended… but I have never forgotten.
When you speak from the heart and allow yourself to be vulnerable, as my friend did, your words land directly in the heart of the other person. Those words managed to slip through all of the armour and past the lock down of my heart.
I was blaming her, but she didn’t blame me… she just came to me with her truth.
I was too stubborn to allow her to be my friend again, her words changed me.
The biggest lesson I learned is that no matter how you feel or what you perceive is happening, there is always another human with a heart and feelings on the other side.
The other lesson I learned is that being vulnerable and brave when you are hurt is more powerful than anger, blame, or threats. She changed who I was by showing me her heart.
That’s the greatest gift you can give.