My emotions are always at the surface right now.
There hasn’t been a day go by in weeks where I don’t cry.
That is how I used to be as a child, I considered myself a professional. I’m pretty darn good at it until it turns into an ugly cry…. then it’s just ugly. The red distorted snotty faced crying still needs to be done in private.
I’ve wondered if I should be judging all of the tears that have been flowing.
Is it good or bad that I’m crying so much?
I know that tears soften us. They provide an emotional release, they heal, and they speak a thousand words.
When my sisters baby passed away 13 years ago we had one visitor who came to visit but never cried with us or showed any emotion. And I learned that sometimes not crying is very strange.
I have wondered all of the reasons why my tears flow so easily right now. I feel a direct connection with my heart every single time. Sometimes I’m crying because my heart hurts, sometimes it’s touched, sometimes it’s bursting with pride, and sometimes it’s relating to another’s journey, or trying to imagine what another’s journey might be.
I read this quote by Pema Chodron and finally realized this must be how compassion feels.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
This was a pretty stark realization for me.
When I learned that I could only love others to the extent that I loved myself I started on a path towards loving myself more.
It didn’t take long to realize I had to learn about forgiveness and compassion towards myself in order to love fully myself.
As I started to work towards forgiving myself, I was able to find forgiveness for others.
But I was still searching for compassion, wanting to lean into it and really understand compassion and how it works.
I’ve been in an intense training program and didn’t realize it.
I’m learning compassion from the ground up.
It carries a lot of emotion with it for me right now and I’m wondering if it will always make me cry or if I will be able to assimilate the big feelings that comes with it as I learn more about it.
If you see me crying in public don’t panic, rest assured I’m simply taking part in my intensive compassion training.