On Wednesday I felt like my life was on the upswing again and things were easily falling into place.
On Thursday I felt like giving up on life altogether. On Thursday night I did give up.
I don’t ever just give up. It was a peculiar way for me to feel especially since I felt really good about life on Wednesday. The events of the day weren’t that dramatic and I didn’t have a good reason to want to give up.
By Friday morning I didn’t feel better. I had things to do and I found myself wishing I had a life where I could just go riding for the day, or just go back to bed. It didn’t look like either one was going to happen and I kept plodding along with the to-do list. I felt like having a big cry which I didn’t allow myself because it didn’t make sense.
While making breakfast I started searching for a new book, one that would help me get going again. I was sorting through reviews and found myself drawn to one called The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It is a fiction book about grief with really great reviews. I didn’t buy the book because it struck me as an odd choice right now. I decided I would wait a day or two and see if I was still drawn to it.
A short while later I was chatting with Mom and mentioned feeling my feeling of connection had been disintegrating… and she said, “yesterday was March 8”. I looked at her totally blank and asked what the significance of March 8 was… I literally had no idea.
March 8 is the day we lost Dex (Mr. Starpasser) 2 years ago. (I wrote about him here). This explained everything. All of the signs had been trying to point it out to me, and I was clueless.
Was it my subconscious trying to tell me?
Was it Dex?
Was it cellular memory?
I don’t know. I think the answer depends on whether you believe more in science or in spirit.
Whichever the case, I was definitely getting messages and not seeing the signs.
I have done so much self awareness work that I am usually acutely aware of why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I understand my triggers and when they pop up I work to clear them.
This one definitely surprised me. It goes to show there is more going on than we always realize.
Honour how you feel and be gentle with yourself. Life is hard.