I am a ranter.
Typically I don’t rant out loud… I do it in my head. I’m quite certain if I did rant out loud, I would look like a crazy person.
When I’m stuck in a rant I’m looking for justification for how I feel I’ve been mistreated by someone.
It all starts with one thing. One event or one conversation where I felt I have been wronged. Where I was accused of something that wasn’t true, or I was being questioned about the way I’m doing something, or where I didn’t feel valued or acknowledged…
Then watch out… my mind races to justify, blame and attack the enemy. I will string together a series of events from anywhere in the last 20-30 years to find victory within myself. It’s quite a production and in the end I have turned myself into a bit of a lunatic.
Recently I caught myself mid rant and stopped.
These rants are exhausting. There is no real pay off to them. They only exist to serve my ego and create separateness between me and others. Which admittedly feels good when I feel wounded, but doesn’t serve any real purpose in the grand scheme of life.
My plan for next time is to catch myself before the ranting even begins. To just acknowledge and accept how I’m feeling at the time without going to war in my mind.
I want to stop trying to save my life from things that aren’t life threatening.