Over the last couple of days I have been playing with a horse named Dream. She is a big beautiful mare with an exceptionally smart and very dominant personality.
Mom was given Dream by a lady who wanted a pet horse… Dream is not a pet, it’s just not her personality to be sweet and docile like a pet should be, but she sure is fun! Although I didn’t always feel that way about her.
Working with her is similar to being around a human bully. Just like a bully wants to control everyone around them and always do things their way, so does a lead mare.
Dream is constantly vying for the lead mare position.
The lead mare gets to control everyone in the herd, we call it moving their feet because that’s what she does…she tells everyone where she wants their feet, and ultimately their body.
This is the part that used to intimidate me. I was prime real estate for bullies because I was a doormat nice.
Instead of being clear on my boundaries and what was acceptable to me, I put my priority on minimal conflict, being a doormat nice, seemed like the way to achieve peace.
Dream showed me yesterday that I’m a different person than I used to be.
I could feel her begin to get agitated with me as I was working with her. I was asking her to figure out a puzzle… for a certain behaviour she would be rewarded, but only if I had asked her to do it. She had to figure out what behaviour I wanted.
Dream truly believes she’s smarter than me, and honestly she probably is, but I had the rules of the game very clear in my mind, and I was keenly aware that she was going to be working the whole time to outsmart me.
As she figured out the behaviour I was asking for, she would start to do it on her own so she could get the reward…but if I hadn’t asked her to do it, there was no reward.
She did not like my rules.
She would walk off and pace along the fence trying to figure out how to get the reward and then come back to me and try again.
The more I didn’t play the game her way, the more agitated she would become.
She gave up on my game, and went back to her own game…but I missed the cue.
She had begun walking past me instead of trying to engage with me and play my game. I hadn’t fully clued in yet still giving her the benefit of the doubt, that she was still trying to figure out how to get the reward.
Rule #1 with bullies…do not give them the benefit of the doubt. They are always angling for domination. You give them an inch and they take a mile.
I was noticing that every time she walked past she would come closer to me and I could sense she was pushing me. I was determined not to let her move my feet, but my mistake was not addressing her feet.. I was aware of it, but I wasn’t strongly setting my boundary because I thought we were still playing our game and my focus was still on behaviour and reward.
Finally she walked almost on top of me and then turned her butt to me like she was going to kick me… and she moved my feet.
But only once.
That was my wake up call that my game was over, I went back to establishing my boundaries and lead mare position and as soon as I had it back, she was immediately respectful and calm.
So interesting.
I didn’t used to be that clear on my rules and boundaries. I was bullied around by people, walking on eggshells, scared of dominant personalities… and therefore also intimidated by Dream.
In the last 4 years I have had to stand my ground, figure out who I am and what I want. I have had to create my own set of rules around what is acceptable or unacceptable in my life.
Dream taught me yesterday that I am not the same person I used to be and she confirmed for me that although I don’t have it all figured out, I am maybe starting to get it right. She also showed me that I need to pay more attention to the subtle cues that we aren’t playing my game anymore.
This is exactly the lesson I needed.
Oh and interesting side note… remember Dream was given to my mom? She’s a half sister to Dex❤️