When we are young we are reactive. Some people are explosive and over reactive and some people internalize and don’t show any reaction. Nonetheless, we are constantly reacting to our environment.
I was an internalizer. I mostly stuffed everything back inside and didn’t speak up.
Internalizers become shut down later in life. It’s our coping mechanism because we don’t want to appear needy or feel insecure. It’s easier to simply turn it all off and tell ourselves it doesn’t matter.
Changing those reactive patterns isn’t easy.
An explosive person doesn’t always find it necessary to find a way to not react. They dump out the energy and then carry on with life feeling ok. Internalizers almost always get to a point where they need to find a new way, being shut down takes all of the colour out of life.
It’s a long process to undo the patterns. I had to pause and think about the way I was feeling and what was motivating it. I’ve had long discussions with myself about rejection, anger, defensiveness, and why they were showing up in my life,
I had to start noticing and honouring the way I felt, no matter how ugly it was. I had to take responsibility for moving towards what I wanted in life and what is important to me. I had to learn to say no. I had to be really honest with myself about the ways I was hiding or blaming or playing the victim.
Growing up means taking responsibility for ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. When you are simply reacting to your environment you aren’t taking responsibility for one area of your life. It’s worth it to figure out which one and ask yourself why.