I have a tricky ego.
It doesn’t usually show up like the typical egotistical “I think I’m better than you” kind.
I don’t look down on others or think they are less than me.
My ego is prideful.
It thinks I have something to lose.
It shows up as insecurities.
It is a scarcity ego. A self doubting ego. A fear of criticism ego.
My ego expects me to do great things and leaves me feeling nervous at best, or shut down at worst, because it assumes other people expect me to do great things also, so it tries to impress them.
My ego thinks everyone has to like me, so I try to be who I think they wanted me to be in order to eliminate reasons they might not like me.
My ego thinks I have to uphold a certain style or appearance or I will be judged poorly for it.
When my ego perceives a “win”, it brags like I was special.
“They laughed because I’m funny”.
“I did a good job because I work so hard”.
“I was able to figure that out fast because I’m smart”.
But none of this matters because 5 minutes later I would be back into my insecurities.
It’s can be a constant and humorous back and forth dialogue in my head when my ego is in charge.
As I’m learning to notice and let go of these egotistical expectations of myself, I’m noticing that I am able to show up much more authentically.
My feelings don’t get hurt like they used to.
I’m not as nervous as I used to be.
I don’t have to prove or pretend that I know something I don’t.
I am getting better at starting up conversations with people I don’t know.
Criticism doesn’t cut like it used to.
Validation isn’t as important as it used to be.
I now make an effort to accept myself as a newbie, as an understudy, as a student and totally imperfect.
“Pride blunts the very instrument we need to own in order to succeed: our mind. Our ability to learn, to adapt, to be flexible, to build relationships, all of this is dulled by pride.” -Ego Is The Enemy, Ryan Holiday