If you text me and ask me what’s on my mind, I will explain everything in detail and send you a novel in return.
If you approach a subject relating to fear, vulnerability, your heart, or relationships I will do a philosophical deep dive into the meaning behind them.
If you are searching for clarity but aren’t telling yourself the truth, I will be your blunt best friend.
It’s possible to have 2 or 3 conversations happening with me at the same time because I always feel like I have a lot of ground to cover.
It’s probably best not to ask me a question you don’t really want to know the answer to, because I am likely to answer it without mincing words.
If you want to solve the worlds problems, call me up because I love problem solving.
Showing this side of me openly is a new thing for me. Somehow somewhere in life I learned that this part of me was too much for other people, and so I’ve kept it a secret world inside of me. Once in a while it would pop up around people who knew me well but even then I would express it carefully.
As I’ve started showing up for life more, I’ve also been trying to allow these parts of myself to show up too, which has become a journey of its own.
Its an area where I am still sensitive to other people’s reactions. The smallest comment has me apologizing and backtracking. This has become funny for me to watch as I blurt out this passionate and somewhat insecure side of me, and then apologize and retreat back into my shell, only to pop my head back out in another attempt later in the conversation.
I’ve had some pretty good sports to practice with, and as I apologize they will usually ask why I am saying sorry. My explanations have made no sense to anyone, not even myself. I’m now trying to stop apologizing for being me. Sometimes it’s hard.
Do you have a secret self?
If you had asked me 5 years ago about my secret self I would have told you I didn’t have one. I would have thought you were a bit crazy for even asking, and I might have felt sorry for you for having one because I was “totally authentic. What you see is what you get.”
This self was a secret even to me. I had squashed down and pushed back this part of me for so long I didn’t even acknowledge it or develop it.
So if you are feeling sorry for me, you don’t need to (I’ve already apologized too many times for it), but I would encourage you to stay open to the idea that maybe you have a secret self that also wants to be expressed.
Carl Jung said “The privilege of a lifetime is to figure out who you really are” and if we can find a way to unapologetically be that self, wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing?