When I was 20 years old I went for counselling. My counsellor was a wonderful warm lady that sat there and listened very kindly as I dumped all of the mess of emotions, and stress out. She took notes, asked questions, and helped me communicate better.
She had me do personality tests and play therapy and we determined that I was a highly sensitive person.
This sensitivity manifested itself as victimhood. I struggled so much with people, I was triggered by almost everything another person said or did. I took everything personally. Looking back I think deep down I really just wanted to be coddled.
There were a lot of years of struggling relationships. When you don’t look inside yourself to heal the pain, you blame everyone else for it. This is victimhood.
I tried to clear out all of the people who “brought me down”.
I got to a point where I was avoiding and blocking out every single person who wasn’t on the team and who brought negativity to me. This was actually a really important move at the time so I had the space to figure out who I was without having anyone else to blame. Without this space I am pretty sure I would have kept spinning in the same cycles.
I worked hard to heal my childhood wounds. I don’t know if we ever finish doing that, but there does come a time where you need help to further your growth. You need other people to interact with, to mirror your shortcomings or poke you in ways that push you to respond differently.
I’ve shifted to really enjoying people and the challenge every single relationship holds for me to become better. For everyday relationships I’m searching for ways I can be helpful.
How can I ease the tension in a conversation?
How can I help someone to see differently?
How can I diffuse a situation?
How can I make a change for the better?
How can I stand up for what’s right in a way that stays true to my values?
How can I validate another?
Last summer I started wondering how I could rise above the situations that used to drag me down. I no longer wanted to avoid them, I wanted to learn from them and I want the freedom that comes with being able to stand in my own power.
I’m learning that relationships with others hold almost all of the keys to our personal progress. When I was hiding from criticism or judgment from others and labelling myself as sensitive, I was really hiding from the parts of myself I didn’t want to face.
I’ve found the confidence to start dipping my toe back in to the most difficult relationships as a test to see how I’m doing.
I am slowly learning I’m not ever going to be perfect but by processing my emotions and triggers, and developing a deeper practice of empathy I am doing better at responding instead of reacting, even in the most challenging situations.
Relationships are a big deal, if you are really struggling with keeping them it might be worth your time to start looking inside to find out why. Once you understand yourself, you will begin to understand others a lot better also.