As a child I loved to play with fire.
We had burn barrels on the farm where we would burn all of our garbage.
Once it caught on and engulfed the barrel.
It was alive, and the flames would grow, shrink, wave back and forth and dance to its own music.
It had a mind of its own, and because of that I was so afraid of fire.
Our school would hold fire safety prevention week where the firemen would come in and talk to us about smoke detectors and escape plans in case of a fire.
I would have nightmares for a week.
When I got married, bought a house, and had children of my own, I would have full blown panic attacks if I was at home alone with the children at night.
With my fight or flight in full effect I would be in a cold sweat, sick to my stomach and shaking like a leaf the whole time spinning thoughts around in my head about how I couldn’t save everyone and escape if we were all asleep.
I knew at a certain point the fire couldn’t be controlled.
I wasn’t coddled by my husband which seemed so awful to me at the time.
I was at home often by myself with the kids at night.
The more I was home alone, the more success I had at being home alone and keeping everyone alive.
Slowly I began to realize there wasn’t going to be a fire, and it wasn’t likely to engulf my house.
I had been forced to face my fear.
It wasn’t easy.
It wasn’t fun.
It wasn’t even my choice.
What I wanted was for someone else to protect me.
But it was the best thing in the world for me.
The world isn’t as scary as it seems.
When I see someone with crippling anxiety, I remember those monsters.
I know how the stories in our head can become larger than life, even if they aren’t rational.
I’ve learned that the only way through it, is through it.
One success build on another and another until you have a new story to tell yourself.
My preferred lifestyle is to now be at home alone with my kids every night.
Had I not ever dealt with that fear, I don’t know where I would be.
When you get to the other side, it’s never as bad as you thought.
What is your fear and how is it holding you back?