A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the way people reflect who we are back to us, and how we can use that feedback to adjust our course and see if we are having the impact we want. (You can read it here).
Since I wrote that I have been looking at it from both sides and assessing the way I reflect back to others.
I believe when someone is off path, they will get the signals they need to find their way back in their own time, so even when I have seen something that is totally wonky, or if what they are doing is really affecting me, I don’t very often say anything. I have this image of becoming an overbearing mother-in-law who has her nose in everyone’s business and an opinion about everything.
Now that I’m realizing how important someone’s reflection of who I am is not only useful, but a key part of development, I’m noticing that it’s challenging this belief.
I remember hearing someone say once, “it’s important to have strong opinions that are loosely held”. I loved that and I’m beginning to feel the same way about beliefs. They say a belief is just a thought we keep thinking and when you boil it down, a belief is just a well formed opinion.
The more I have assessed the validity of this belief, the more I can see how I’ve also been using it as an excuse. I have an antiquated deeper belief underneath it is that I feel like people won’t care how their actions are affecting my life or hurting me. This comes from living with a guarded and closed heart, and associating with others who were the same. I’m no longer in that circle of people, but In some ways I am still operating like I am.
There are a few conversations with friends I have kept to myself this year. I’ve been trying to honour their choices, and allow them to find their own way… sometimes I write a blog that I hope will give some direction, and sometimes I try to help point out the signs, but there are some things that I have continuously chosen to stay quiet about.
I’m beginning to rethink that.
I’m starting to see that not everyone recognizes the signs on their own. They don’t see a God whisper as such, they don’t listen to the knot in their stomach or the pain in their heart. They talk themselves into doing things that don’t feel right and they are ignoring their navigation system because the details make everything muddy and it’s possible they have no idea how their choices have affected me, because I’ve never told them.
My reflection back to them could be a valuable piece to their puzzle.
It’s a sensitive area. Reflections must be gentle and the words need to be spoken tenderly. This isn’t always a strong point for me as I can be blunt and to the point. I am experimenting with finding the balance somewhere between overbearing mother-in-law or blunt best friend and church mouse.
As this year is drawing to a close, I’m oscillating between reviewing the past 12 months and looking forward to the next 12 months… I would say I have some tidying up to do in the relationship department and in the belief department.