I read Glennon Doyle Meltons book Love Warrior about a year ago, and it changed me.
She is a recovering addict and bulimic, she is a mom, a wife, a sister and a daughter.
She talks openly about all of it in her book.
I began to imagine what it might be like to be her… to write about the things in my life that I thought other people would judge me for, or that I felt shame about.
She inspired me to change how I was writing to tell the truth about who I am, and who I’m not.
But she also taught me something really really important.
I caught this video of her on Facebook one day, where she was talking about her daily rebirth.
She talks a lot about Jesus and people of faith in this clip, but the part that really stuck with me was where she talks about Pema Chödron (the Canadian Buddhist monk) teaching her to sit with the hot loneliness of pain.
She talks about how when you stay with the crazy emotional pain you’re feeling (anger, betrayal, rejection, unworthy, unloveable, alienated, etc) it will magically evaporate.
Our instinct is to run from it, avoid it, or numb it so we go to work, go shopping, and get busy until it goes away.
Yesterday I was not ok inside.
Through a series of events I had felt lied to, and I was hurt and angry and having a really hard time being myself.
So I went shopping.
I felt dark, closed in and consumed with myself, I was annoyed at the people trying to help me or tell me about their current in store sale.
I wandered around the mall, in and out of stores for about an hour not really seeing anything, until I remembered Glennon and Pemas advice.
I focused on the painful parts and kept repeating the words in my head, “I’m hurt and angry because I feel like I was lied to. I feel lied to and I’m angry. I’m angry and I’m hurt. I’m angry and I’m hurt. I’m angry and I’m hurt.”
Sometimes I wish people could read my thoughts, yesterday I was really glad this was all going on in my head.
As I repeated it, I allowed the emotion to well up in me (and my eyes), and I kept with it and then in one instant like a puff of smoke it released, and I shifted into total okayness.
My heart opened, and I could feel my eyes brighten.
I was back to me.
I was genuinely able to smile and listen to the person who was telling me about their current sale, and thank him for the information.
I started to see the humour in the situation, and the story I was telling myself about being lied to.
I have no idea where that ugly emotion went.
I have no idea how it worked.
But I can tell you, sitting with the hot loneliness for a few minutes, until it shifts, is a way better solution than shopping.