Today is the day.
When I started writing this blog I said I would write every single day for 2 years.
Here we are.
May 7, 2016 was the day it all began.
Up until then I had feeling of being unappreciated and undervalued. I was hurt and angry and had spent a solid 4-5 months trying to figure out a plan.
I asked others what they saw in me or how they might introduce me to someone, and they didn’t know what to say except that I was quiet and kept to myself.
The tension inside myself had been on the rise for months.
Finally I opened a google doc and wrote this:
May 7, 2016
Time to Leap
I had a knowing. Deep down inside I knew I could be doing life better. But I wasn’t. I had lots of reasons excuses. The kids need me, I don’t have any money, it is not the right time, I don’t have enough time … and on and on. But I knew I could do better with my gifts. I blamed it on the bad weather and the good weather, on the dark basement, on my computer, on my support network, or on my lack of support network. But deep down, and sometimes more clearly than others… it still nagged at me. I was playing it safe and I knew it.
I am not angry with myself for playing it safe. I honor the reasons I felt were important for me to play it safe. They were very good reasons at the time, but enough is enough. Now is the perfect time…. And now was always the perfect time. I choose myself. I pick me. No more hiding. No more playing it safe. No more putting ALL of my energy into supporting someone else’s dreams. Now, I will support my dreams as well, and learn as we go. Am I scared? Yes. (why do our dreams scare us?) But do I want to deny myself living a life that I have dared to dream? Not anymore. I’m not getting any younger or buying any more time. So here we go… Let’s leap.
I promised myself that day I would write every single day for 2 years and “see what happens”.
I kept my blog in that google doc for 3 months writing poorly, and sharing it with only a handful of people who wouldn’t question me, pass judgement, or try to talk me out of it. I cried almost every time I shared it with someone.
In order to keep myself from hiding, next promise I made was that I would go live in August of that year.
And I did, but the only people who knew were the ones I had already told and were reading the google doc.
I created a Facebook page for my blog and I was secretly sharing it to that page nobody knew about. One day I was running behind and in a hurry, I shared my blog to Facebook and went about my morning. After being at work a while I logged into Facebook only to realize I had accidentally shared my blog to my personal Facebook page instead of the blogs page, and someone had shared it and another had liked my blog page.
I panicked, and I cried.
That’s how the cat was let out of the bag.
Today is the 2 year mark and I can’t begin to count all of the “things that have happened”, but I can share a few hi-lites that are top of my mind…
I have done something productive every single day, and the history is right here in this blog if I ever doubt myself…
I have connected with some super cool people, and reconnected with super cool people because I am hanging out where I can be seen.
I have learned that writing helps the world make more sense. It forces me to think a thought all the way through to the end, and it helps me question the truth and the stories I tell myself.
I have healed a LOT of inner wounds.
I have learned how to keep myself from spiralling down when life gets hard because my fear of writing Debbie Downer material is bigger than almost every other negative thought that crosses my mind.. and I know that if I spiral today, I still have to write tomorrow.
I have learned that some people like it when I tell stories that touch their heart, some people like practical advice, some people like to learn a fun tip, some people like simple reminders, and some people come to read and never say a word or tell me they were here.
I have a few cheerleaders that never miss a day of reading. When I fall into a state of needing reassurance or approval for a vulnerable blog post, they always show up and let me know they are still supporting me.
I have solicited an editor that texts me my spelling errors, and he never misses a day.
I have received tremendous feedback and it has helped me to figure out my own gifts and build appreciation for myself and who I am.
I have cried buckets of tears while typing on these pages and once in a while I’ve been able to throw in a joke or a reason to giggle (this wasn’t something I thought I could do before).
The best part is that I’ve been able to share what is on the inside of me, and that all of you want to hear it. I had squashed and shut down the voice I had inside for most of my adult life.
I had chastised, judged, shushed, reprimanded, shamed, and belittled myself in my quest to fix myself to find perfection … instead of exploring, expressing and understanding myself. My blog has given me an outlet to discover me.
Thank you for sharing my journey, I love you all fiercely.
I have wondered over the last several months if I should carry on or change it up.
It’s hard to write everyday and maybe I should back off to a less rigorous routine.
Then I receive a private message from someone I don’t personally know who tells me they can’t wait to read my blog everyday, and another message from someone telling me how my blog gets them thinking and shares their stories with me, and my dad starts sharing my posts with his friends, and I started wondering who in their right mind would walk away from all of this?
We can do hard things… together.
See you tomorrow❤️