I am feeling like I’m in a dip and life is starting to pile up on me.
I have certain areas of my life I like to keep under control, my finances being one of them, my hair being another… and neither of them are going according to plan right now.
I have learned that I can take most of what life throws at me as long as my hair and my bank account are functioning properly but when one slips I can feel it slithering into my consciousness all day long.
Trying to counsel myself has my mental chatter raging out of control. I’m hyper aware of dollar bills, grey hair, and split ends and the fear monger inside of me creates a link to one or the other in almost every decision I make in a day.
Logically I know it’s all fear based thinking. I know my thoughts create my reality, I know my hyper awareness is making it worse instead of better, I know my body is tense and my constant worry is making it worse.
I also know Christmas is coming and that I’ve become a statistic because what used to be the happiest time of the year for me now scares the crap out of me and turns me into a crazy person who is worried about grey hair, split ends, and loonies.
This is the 4th Christmas I’ve had to spend a part of without my kids.
Every year I’ve survived.
Every year I’ve enjoyed.
Every year has been fine.
Every year the stress starts to build as soon as the kids go back to school.
Every year I’m a stress bucket emotional nut job from Canadian Thanksgiving onward.
But this year is going to be different. This year I’m ahead of the game because this year I’ve noticed it, recognized it, accepted it, and now written about it by November 5.
Last year I turned it around by stumbling across Tony Robbins pearl of wisdom “the reason you’re suffering is you’re focused on yourself” and seeing the truth in that for myself and turning the focus off of myself.
This year I’m going to cling to it again until I uncover another layer, and grab another insight that will help.
Here’s the thing I have learned… when an underlying fear is nagging us that we aren’t ready to acknowledge, it manifests itself into other “safer” areas that we can obsess over.
Because I wasn’t ready to see or admit my massive fear around handling Christmas alone, that energy had to find another outlet… which became split ends and money (both still have connections to Christmas in my mind).
We have to dig in to get to the real underlying fear before the craziness subsides. But once we do it relieves a lot of pressure and we can begin to see our way through the other side.
I’m going to start with taking the focus off of me “doing Christmas alone”, and start focusing on what’s best for the kids.
I’m so glad to have this off my chest, now I can get out of the dip and I don’t have to feel as crazy anymore…at least for now… until I get to the next layer.
Egg Nog anyone?