I listened to a podcast from Esther Perel.
Esther is a lady who has been doing couples counselling for years.
In order to study marriages to see what works, she dove into marriages that fail in order to grasp why they fail and understand what causes it.
She said if the two partners fall into care taking roles for each other, it resembles closely to a parent-child relationship. Because one of the major taboos in humans is “sex within the family”, all passion is lost.
I had light bulbs coming on all over the place for me because I have almost always ended up in the caretaker role in my relationships, I felt the lack of passion and never understood why.
Esther says in order to keep the passion fully alive (and who doesn’t want that?) both partners have to be fully responsible for themselves and trust the other one to do the same.
That’s why the idea of “self-carriage” from yesterday’s blog post is so huge to me.
This is my first time doing a “Part 2” to a blog post but I felt like I didn’t explain it very well yesterday so I’m taking another shot and giving you some context to go with it.
When I watch the video of Stacy and Roxy this is what I see, usually through tears in my eyes. (Click here to watch again)
They have a deep bond with deep levels of trust.
Stacy & Roxy take cues from each other, and they dance together… not because either of them feel like they have to… also not because one of them is taking the lead or being the boss… but because they have equality in their partnership.
They have a mutual respect for each other’s talent and gift.
The trust that this ride displays is massive.
Roxy doesn’t have to take lead mare position and that shows her absolute trust in Stacy.
Stacy doesn’t have to use a bridle or a saddle and that shows her absolute trust in Roxy.
They know the other is steadfast in their commitment to the other one.
The love and trust is flowing both ways the whole time.
Stacy and Roxy are completely connected and absorbed in their dance together.
Those parts have always been obvious to me “the horse girl” watching this performance.
But the self carriage part, as Stacy defined it, coupled with what I had learned listening to Esther, speaks to their autonomy, and to the part of me that longs for this kind of relationship.
They are not leaning on or depending on each other at all.
Stacy is riding perfectly balanced and at peace without asking Roxy to hold her up… and Roxy is calm and perfectly balanced, not leaning on Stacy, and at peace with her job… yet they are doing it together as extensions of each other.
Roxys legs have become Stacy’s legs.
And Stacy’s leadership has become Roxys compass.
“Self-carriage is required for them to blend into each other and become extensions of one another.” ~ Stacy Westfall
When we achieve that state in our relationships/marriages we can become wild and passionate and free within the union.
If both people are on board and understand the dynamics, this would be most beautiful relationship you could imagine. I wish for you to have it.
Both people have to be in physical and emotional balance, spiritually aligned, and connected.
You may have to reinvent yourself, and your partner may have to also reinvent themselves in order to get there, life is a continuous journey of reinventing ourselves.
Esther says it’s normal and healthy to have 3-4 different marriages with the same person.
If you love each other but are lacking passion, this might be a great conversation to have, and a goal to strive for.
It will bring up some areas that need attention. It won’t happen overnight, but I guarantee you it will be worth it when you get there.