I remember sitting in front of my counsellor at 21 years old wondering what in the world she was talking about when she told me I didn’t have any boundaries.
I said, “can you explain to me what a boundary is?”
I vaguely remember her explaining it to me, but I don’t remember her words. I literally had no clue what she was referring to. I came away with an understanding that boundaries were to protect our privacy, and not everyone gets to know everything about me.
That was good information and a great new social tool for me. I was one of those people who would dump a lot of my emotional baggage onto a new friend in one of our first conversations… and I was carrying a lot.
I spent the majority of my time with people who weren’t respectful of me or my boundaries. I would say no and it meant nothing to them. I would ask for something and I wasn’t heard. I would voice a concern and I was told I was crazy.
It made it very hard to figure out how to have healthy relationships.
20 years later I’ve learned there is a lot that goes into having boundaries, but the rewards are so worth it.
I can say no thanks to everything that doesn’t feel perfectly right to me inside, which opens up a lot of space to say yes to what does.
When I validate myself and what’s right for me, I don’t look for it elsewhere.
I don’t allow people in my inner circle who don’t respect my wishes or my decisions anymore. I am open to changing my mind or opinions when I’m feeling a strong ‘no’ inside of me….but not without an open dialogue that addresses my concerns. If you won’t talk to me you’re likely to get a hard no.
Watching people respond to my boundaries helps me determine who to trust. If I gently set a boundary and it’s respected, you earn a marble in the trust jar. If I have to get big to set a boundary, marbles spill out, if my boundary is not respected I will spend my time elsewhere.
People who don’t earn your trust, should never get to enjoy best parts of you. The best parts are your heart, your vulnerabilities, or your dreams. Not sharing that results in not having any kind of deep connection, another relationship gift.
You can love them because your heart is open, but they don’t get the gifts that come with trusted confidence that they care about you.
Brene Brown said, “One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried.”
That’s a big statement, but I’m starting to believe it’s true. The more I have learnt about boundaries, the better (more compassionate) I have become. First respect me so that I am ok, then I will do all that I can in return.