I took a horse clinic a few years ago from Dan Duckering. His philosophy behind what he teaches was one of my favourite parts.
One of the pieces that has stuck with me and I have ruminated over ever since was his definition of respect.
Certainly he was talking about the relationship between horse and rider, but all things you learn from a horse can be carried back to humans.
He defined respect is the balance between trust and fear.
It seems counterintuitive to balance fear with trust. We have always learned the more trust the better… but that’s not always the case.
A horse that trusts you too much will not do what you ask, will not behave, and will not respond.
A horse that is afraid of you will overreact, will be flighty or skittish and will feel very unsafe to be around.
It applies to humans also.
Respect is what the best relationships are built on. It is mutual consideration of the other person, and yourself.
There is no respect where there is too much trust.
If someone is walking all over you, they trust that you will sit there and take it and they are not afraid of any consequences because they trust that you aren’t going to do anything.
Likely you haven’t set strong enough boundaries.
A bully trusts that the payoff is worth it because he gets the results immediately, he doesn’t know the long term consequences of his actions.
On the flip side, there is no respect where there is too much fear.
A victim of a bully is not going to consider what the bully wants.
She is either going to be flitting about trying to keep herself out of trouble, or she will write the bully off as someone who is never happy and can’t be pleased, doing only what is necessary to appease the bully.
If you aren’t being respected, take a look as to how fear and trust are out of balance.
If you don’t have any respect for someone, check to see why.
You can’t correct it until you can see it.
“Trust and respect are a two-way street. We want to horse to respect us as leaders of the herd, to guide them safely and to provide perfect action and comfort. In return, they will give us the respect, and willing submission to our ideas about what they do next, and when and where. But this respect can only be based on well-deserved trust.” – Walter Zettl