When I was showing horses my mom would video each of my rides while I was competing.
I would take the videos home from the horse show and watch them obsessively for hours with my critical eye picking apart all of the ways I wasn’t perfect.
I never saw this as a problem until my trainer told me I wasn’t allowed to watch the videos more than once.
I haven’t been in front of a camera much since then… until now.
I am doing a short daily video series for work leading up to a sale we are having. I have 10 days.
I am resisting watching the videos because I can feel myself leaning towards my old habits of picking it apart and only seeing what’s wrong.
I’m lacking self compassion, forgiveness, and self love.
My hips look too wide, you can tell my stomach isn’t flat, my hair is messy, my shirt isn’t right, and my words didn’t flow the way I wanted them to. At any given moment I’m criticizing myself.
My body image is really suffering. (It might have something to do with all of the cookies I ate this winter).
I’m learning as we heal old hurts and pain that we have always been aware of, the Universe helps us find ‘new’ old hurts and pain we had forgotten about and gives us opportunity to heal those also.
All of 2018 I have been battling with my “enoughness”. I can feel others sensing it in me, and I’ve been receiving all sorts of reassurance.
I appreciate it
But like Seth Godin says, reassurance is futile. You can never get enough. It’s an inside job.
I have 10 days left to battle this demon.
While I try to figure out the inside trigger I’m going to work on my outside.
I’ll be eating salad, drinking lots of water, shopping for new tops to wear, and maybe doing some jump squats or something…because that seems like it would help.
And I’ll be smiling, because frowny faces only make it worse.
Bear with me as I battle teenage feelings at 40 something.