Society shames us into fitting in.
We think as adults we are immune to it, and to an extent we probably are, maybe because we stay safe in our bubble.
When we try to step out of that bubble, there is a lot to contend with, and shame plays a big role.
We want to be ok with who we are, what we have chosen, and how we got to this point in our life. But the truth is if you are human you’ve made some choices along the way that you aren’t proud of.
You’re not alone.
When we look at what our culture finds acceptable, or not, and we are making choices that align with our culture, we feel even worse for the choices we made before we cared or understood the consequences.
This is where shame enters, it’s a dark and ugly place to be… but you don’t have to carry it around with you.
Brene Brown tells us that empathy makes shame evaporate. That means finding someone who will empathize with you instead of judging you to help you heal. This is why joining support groups can be life changing.
I think compassion plays a huge role also.
Several times I’ve looked at my choices and wallowed in shame. I only see the action but not what preceded it.
I forget that I was a different person then, we are a new person with every new thing we learn, every aha moment, and every wound we heal. So it’s helpful to go back and remember what led me to those choices in the first place.
When I get to the crux of it, every single time it was hurt and unhealed wounds that were driving my behaviour.
Just because I’ve healed the part of me that allows me to make a healthier choice now, doesn’t mean I wasn’t doing the best I could before I figured it out.
Brene Brown also teaches us that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. I resisted this statement when I first heard it because we all think we love others more than we love ourselves.
However, when you begin to see yourself and your choices with love and compassion for the person you were, you can open your heart to others who are doing the best they can. When you remove shame and judgement from yourself, then the people who were a mirror for you become a place of understanding.
Turns out Ms. Brown was right about that.
If you want to love someone else with “all you have”, then you have to heal so that “all you have” is as whole and as much as possible.