I thought I was broken, and maybe in a sense I was, but certainly not the way I thought.
I thought I wasn’t enough in so many areas. I thought I needed to constantly work on myself and my shortcomings until I would finally become whole and complete.
But that was a self fulfilling prophecy and a race to the bottom of the self esteem chart – if there is one.
It kept me looking through a lens that turned my strengths into flaws.
I thought I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up, instead of embracing my sensitivity and leveraging it I tried to bury it and be the opposite.
I thought that I was needy and chastised myself for wanting too much help and encouragement so I pushed it away in an effort to be more independent… until I realized my love languages were words of affirmation and acts of service. Now I soak it up. I feel loved when I’m told I’ve done a good job or made a difference. I feel loved when people help me, and I wonder why I ever have thought it was a good idea to turn it down?
I thought I was weird to believe in life blueprints, angels, astrology, energy, and the power of the universe. I kept is so private it didn’t exist, and explored it quietly, in small spurts, until I realized that’s how my brain makes sense of the world, those beliefs empower me, and I wanted to be around it all of the time.
I see so many people admonishing their strengths and not knowing themselves well enough to accept themselves for who they are.
They think they are broken and need to be fixed, just like I did.
I think after a life of feverishly trying to fix myself I have finally realized the only thing that resembled brokenness was the lens I was looking at myself through.
I didn’t need to be fixed, I only needed to be discovered, by me. I just needed to get out of my own way. I needed to stop playing small, stop believing I was broken, stop thinking everything about myself was wrong, and start accepting myself and seeing myself as just right.
The very things I was constantly trying to be “less of” were actually the things I needed to be more of.
Isn’t it funny how that works?
I see it all of the time in others, so many people think they need to be fixed and have no idea how special they are. They are so much better than they think, so much stronger than they know, and so full of doubt they sabotage all of their greatness.
In my self awareness classes, in my life, and in my work I am always thinking, “if only you could see yourself the way I see you, you are so much more than you realize”.