I love a good fairytale.
My favourite ones were the ones where the princess gets rescued by the prince, he sweeps her off her feet and she lives with him in a castle, they always look beautiful…and in love.
For a long time that was my version of what love should look like.
Every girl is taken care of, treated like a princess, swirled around a dance floor, and constantly swept of her feet.
Sigh…
That would have been fine and dandy, except I didn’t want to be rescued, live in a castle or always look beautiful.
I was raised in a barn and I don’t even want to be swept off my feet, (but I do love to dance… I still want to dance).
In hindsight I can see how my fairytale didn’t exactly line up with who I was, and lord knows my prince wasn’t always charming, and not much of a dancer to be honest. ?
Since coming to terms with who I am, my version of what ‘being in love’ looks like has changed drastically.
When it comes to a love relationship, it has to be an equal gig. Everything else breeds dysfunction.
Both people have to be committed to showing up for themselves and for each other on a regular basis.
Being in love is not a rescue mission, it’s a support mission. (This one is a big one.)
You raise each other higher and hold each other accountable to becoming the best version of themselves.
You don’t fix each other, control each other, or submit to each other (also a big one).
You allow space for each other to fail, to be vulnerable, to explore hot spots and emotional triggers, but you do your own emotional healing with support from each other.
You support whatever is good for the soul, in yourself and in each other.
You are the cheerleader for each other’s dreams, you encourage bravery, and applaud every step forward in life… all the while trusting that what is good for the goose is good for the gander…and vice versa.
You don’t hide behind each other’s strengths, you draw from each other’s strengths in order to keep the relationship equal (dysfunction comes from lack of balance in power).
At every moment, you appreciate each other for everything you are, and everything you aren’t able to be yet.
From this space, love can grow.
Brené Brown gives the best definition I’ve read on how to deepen your love within this framework of relationship equality, and it’s worth sharing.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
I still believe in fairytales, I’ve just changed the way the story goes.
There is no happy ending to my fairytale, because happiness is built into the whole story.
One thing I’ve come to understand is that your fairytale has to match your person, and this one matches who I am a lot better than ball gowns and glass heels (I don’t even like wearing heels).