Our ego is fragile and we are all born with one that we have to learn how to live with.
Up until a couple of years ago, I totally identified me sense of self with my ego. The part of me that thought I should know and that feared judgment from others. I took most everything personally and would do anything to avoid that sinking feeling in my gut and the hot fire in my cheeks and chest when I was embarrassed or felt dumb.
It’s an interesting dichotomy that when we are identified with our ego, we do and say things that we aren’t proud of… and then our ego who admonishes us for it after the fact.
My blog has really helped me to flush out my sense of self apart from my ego. When I first started writing my blog posts were bossy and ridiculous. My ego wanted me to be a “thought leader” and a “guru”. I wanted to be on stage with Oprah, and hangout with Elizabeth Gilbert.
My ego took over the reins and decided that I was going to have to dig really deep to come up with great things nobody has ever come up with before. I wrote blogs that nobody could understand or relate to, including myself, and then my ego beat me up for it later (and still today) about what a bad idea that was… the hot fire still floods my cheeks when I think about sharing them.
If you’ve followed my blog for a long time, you may remember when I came across the Mark Twain quote, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” I mentioned it several times over the course of a few months.
As it turned out, he was talking directly to my ego, about my ego. I stumbled around for months questioning everything I thought I knew “for sure” trying to keep myself out of whatever trouble Mark Twain was talking about.
And that was the beginning of learning to disassociate myself with my ego.
Anything humbling is a tough road to travel, and this self imposed ego time out was no different. I replayed all of the most noticeable times ego had taken over in my life and felt that red hot fire of embarrassment just like it was happening in real time. Remembering how I thought I knew so much for sure, and realizing I don’t.
The second I give ego any attention by taking credit, passing judgement about myself or others, or thinking I have the answers, it’s a slippery slide down and it can be a hard climb back out.
Slowly I am learning to see the humour around it. It certainly comes up with some bad ideas.
The more I deeply understand that I am not special and do not “deserve” anything… the harder I work, the more curious I am, the easier I accept guidance and direction, the less pressure I feel to fit in, stand out, or be perfect.
There is more collaboration, more learning, more sharing, better stories, and more adventure on the humbles side of life.
There is far less boredom, disconnection, entitlement, and victimhood.
It’s a beautiful path to walk.
“Mind: A beautiful servant, a dangerous master.” – Osho