I lost track of who I was, and what made me happy in life when I got married. Everyone warned me about it at the time. I remember my chiropractor saying to me, “when you get married, you are still two separate people, don’t forget that”.
But I couldn’t sort out what that meant.
We started a family right away and I loved being a mom so I felt like that could be my thing. My focus became what lights my kids up and what helps them be ok.
It’s been a slow journey back to myself.
If I could talk to the young girl back then I would explain to her the importance of boundaries. Everyone needs to have their own dance space in life just like in Dirty Dancing, “this is my dance space, this is your dance space”, give others the space to navigate their life and to keep her own dance space sacred.
I would let her know that nobody gets to tell her who her friends should be or shouldn’t be. She will need certain people in her life to teach her about who she is capable of becoming. We all need more than just one other person, we need many people and it’s up to us to decide who we need.
I would explain to her that she isn’t responsible for other people’s unhappiness no matter what’s she’s doing or what she’s done. It’s ok if someone doesn’t like her choices, that’s not her problem, that’s usually their insecurities and fear talking.
I would make sure she knows she’s strong and capable of handling whatever life throws at her. She doesn’t need to feel married to sunk costs in a friendship, a relationship or a financial decision. Everything is renewable in one way or another and sometimes it’s better to move forward than try to make a deal with the devil.
I would remind her about the things she has already learned but hasn’t taken ownership of in her own life. It’s always better to be classy than trashy. Commitment, persistence, and resilience are important when you’re following your heart. Being generous, trustworthy, and friendly is important with other people. Being honest is important with yourself.
And I would finally explain that courage and bravery will be her most important asset in life. As long as she remembers she can do hard things with great love, she will be fine.
I feel like talking to that girl might not have worked because she was a bit arrogant and thought she had a good plan. So I might have videoed it, or written it down, or tattooed it to her somewhere.
Or I might have just let her figure it out for herself, and let her know that no matter what happens, the journey is always far better than the destination. She would understand that for sure. Mario Brothers was always her favourite Nintendo game for that very reason.