I was 2 months pregnant with my daughter when my sisters baby passed away.
7 months later when my baby girl was born I was a hot mess.
She was my third child, and my other 2 children were vibrant and healthy. Up until that point I had been a very laid back mom. (Maybe too laid back in some ways).
But when you watch a sweet baby who has had a wonderful start to life, the very best care, and so much love in his life … take his last breath… it changes you forever.
There is no explanation for it. No matter how hard you try you can’t make sense of why a baby who was so healthy could stop breathing.
I was breastfeeding, or should I say I was trying to breastfeed her. My other 2 babies. had thrived from the start. They were born big and gained weight significantly. They were full of decisions baby fat rolls.
But my daughter had lost an alarming 2 pounds by her first 2 week checkup. Things were going the wrong direction and my midwives sent me to a lactation consultant to help me.
I remember feeling like I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to calm her down, I couldn’t figure out how to feed her… I didn’t know how to keep her safe.
The lactation consultant was a very beautiful and soul full lady of colour. I loved her instantly. She had a strong, motherly energy to her.
Immediately she picked up on the fact that there was something else going on. And asked me point blank what it could be.
I told her.
Up until that point I hadn’t internalized how I felt about losing my nephew. I wasn’t about to make that about me when my sister had lost her baby. What she was going through was unimaginable to me.
My lactation consultant helped me to see how my baby was ok. And she encouraged me to calm down. And she made me feed her every two hours around the clock to make sure she started gaining weight.
The point of all of this is that feeding my baby wasn’t the problem, and yet that’s how the problem was manifesting.
That’s what happens when we don’t deal with our triggers and emotional pain.
We don’t let ourselves process what has happened to us for one reason or another.
My reason was because my loss seemed so insignificant compared to my sisters loss, I still had my babies… but there are so many other reasons you might not allow yourself to process it.
And left alone, those triggers cause you to manifest mental health issues as you ignore the real issue and control the areas of your life that you can.
Sweeping your fears, triggers, ugly emotions, and triggers under the rug only force them to show up in other ways.
So leave judgement at the door and get talking. Get your people talking.
And know that you are helping yourself and others by just letting the words escape you.
Bring strong doesn’t mean being silent.