I didn’t enjoy being harassed but I learned from it. I went to the police and they couldn’t help me. I went to victims services and they couldn’t help me. I learned that nobody can actually stop us. If you can stand the “punishment”, which is minimal at best, you don’t have to follow the rules. You might get a slap on the wrist, you might get a fine and owe some money, you might get a lecture, or worst case scenario you might be put in jail – where you simply hang out until they let you out again and then you carry on with your life.
I have wondered how in the world I will stop someone from harassing me, or as a parent I have wondered how I could really stop dangerous behaviour in my children if they were strong willed enough to persist.
As a rule follower I thought I always had to do what I was told, so I allowed others to box me in to the point of being isolated from my family and friends. I was afraid of the unknown, I didn’t know how bad it might be if I didn’t follow the rules.
When I was told I shouldn’t do something, I didn’t do it. When I was told I couldn’t do something, I didn’t do it. Naively I believed the other person always knew more than I did.
Being harassed shifted me in a way I would have never expected. For a while I felt helpless and there were times I felt like I was a victim, but eventually I began to understand that although he couldn’t be stopped, he also couldn’t stop me unless I allowed him to.
I started ignoring him. I got back on my mountain and started rebuilding my life. Eventually he began to lose interest.
It took a long time for me to realize how much this experience changed me, and I still discover new ways that I see the world when I am reminded about how I used to see it.
I learned that who I am and who I become is always and ultimately up to me. No matter what. Good or bad.
The truth is nobody else has the power over us we think they do. Not even the highest law enforcement can stop us if we don’t want to be stopped.
Nobody can stop me if I make bad choices, and nobody can stop me if I make good choices. The latter might seem obvious, but it wasn’t. Until then I allowed other people to dictate who I should or shouldn’t love, where I spend my time, and how I spend my time.
This was mind blowing for me and as the realization of it settled in, I was able to reframe the way I saw the world.
It changed how I parent, how I live my life, it changed the boundaries I set, and it changed my focus.
I understand that everything is my choice and nobody else gets to decide for me unless I want them to.
I used to say to my kids, “no we shouldn’t do that, we might get in trouble.” Now I say, “of course you can do that, you can do whatever you want, but does that line up with who you want to be?”
I never let someone tell me I can’t love another person, I shouldn’t feel joy, I shouldn’t be brave, or generous, or that I shouldn’t be willing to help. I have very clear boundaries around love because it’s a fundamental value for me.
Life is hard and there are a lot of painful lessons. But every painful experience is there to teach us something, we simply have to be open to the lesson and allow ourselves to be changed by it.
It’s not ever easy, but it is always worth it. Don’t waste the pain in your life, it’s there to make you better.