For so long, I kept trying to make things ok, that weren’t ok with me, so that I would be ok.
I remember constantly feeling like I was walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop… but trying to keep it all together and be ok. I felt like I was holding a sand castle in my hands.
I wanted things to be different, I wanted to feel differently, I wanted to be seen and heard, but mostly I wanted to be alive and at peace inside.
And I was so afraid of being selfish. I was afraid of hurting someone else at my own expense.
So I kept trying to change myself. I assumed something must be wrong with me and if I was somehow different, it would make sense and I could figure it out. I thought you could do anything if you set your mind to it and I was trying everything.
It took me a long time to realize the only thing that was wrong with me was that I thought something was wrong with me. I was a multi shaped, multi dimensional peg, trying to fit in a small square box that left me no room to expand.
Eventually I chose me. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I could feel the ultimatum every moment of every day… remain where I was and life would remain the same, or do something different to get different results.
I started to say yes to what felt right based on how I felt inside, instead of trying to change what I felt inside to match the outside.
I have now chose myself in a million different ways on a million different days, and finally life makes sense to me.
From the people who are in my life, to the experiences I choose to engage in… I have created the space and the freedom to choose what fits with me… instead of trying to make myself fit with them.
I saw a quote on Instagram yesterday that said, “stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it”.
And I smiled at the simplicity of it because I have learned the secret.
Long lasting happiness is an inside job. It lives inside every single choice you make and it’s always asking the question, “will you choose me today?”