For a long time I lived my life defensively always trying to prove that I was a good person.
Looking back I can see that was a lack of emotional maturity. Nobody wants to be the bad guy and if someone else put me in a bad light my knee jerk response was to defend myself and try to prove my innocence.
I expect that pattern must start in childhood with siblings who are forever trying to lay the blame on each other and skirt the blame that’s being handed to them.
I spent a lot of time with people who blamed me for everything, made up their own version of why I did what I did, and always assumed the worst without asking me why.
It’s been important for me to understand myself and my intentions as clearly as possibly in order to break this defensive cycle.
The more I surrounded myself with nonjudgmental people who care for my well being, the more I’ve been able to explore the motivation behind my actions. It turns out I’m a pretty good person.
In other words, when I stopped spending time with people who were constantly blaming me, I was able to move out of defence and into curiosity.
Curiosity brings the best lightbulb moments. I live for those!
That cute meme on the internet that says, “before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety, make sure you are not surrounded by assholes” holds some truth to it.
Oprah says, “surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher”, and that has made all of the difference for me.