When you lose someone you thought you could never lose… when something is taken from you that you thought was yours… when you have been violated and feel like you are in a fog of misunderstanding, there is so much processing that you need to go through
But I like things to happen fast. Get there faster, quicker, sooner so that you can get on with life. This isn’t possible when you are processing life…it happens in its own sweet time.
My identity was caught up in being a mom. I relied heavily on it for my self worth, and I believed it was a bond that could never be broken. When my oldest son went to live with his dad at age 13 it shattered the very foundation I had built my life on and leaned on so heavily.
It felt like I was going backwards in time and experiencing all the parts and pieces all over again, but with new questions and looking for different answers.
I found myself replaying all of the scenarios and asking… Did you say the right thing? Did you do the wrong thing? What could you have done better? How did you miss the signs? Could you have done more?
Over and over again I have watched other people lose their imaginary foundations.
Parents who think their children “will never do that”, have children who do that.
People who rely too heavily on their physical strength become injured.
The overzealous “giver” is put into a position where he has to be looked after, the “kept” spouse has to learn independence, and the CEO ends up retired.
The layers of foundation crumbled and I found myself obsessing and processing layer after layer.
It becomes its own kind if crazy. Questions will play over and over in your mind as you unravel what has happened and how you ended up in these shoes.
Your ego fights you. It tells you why everyone else is wrong and how everything is ruined and how impossible it is to move forward.
One minute everything will be ok and you think you can move forward again, 2 minutes later you will fuming mad and shortly after you will be crying again because you never wanted things to be like this.
You will be so consumed about all of the details as you find new homes for the memories that every conversation you are a part of will remind you of something else, and you will repeat the same broken record over and over.
I was talking with mom one day and I asked her, “I wonder how long it takes until I stop making every conversation about me?”
And then one day I became tired of it all.
Its exhausting and it gets boring
You are tired of the incessant chatter in your head, you are tired of trying to figure it all out, and you are tired of draining everyone around you… and that’s how you know you are ready to move forward into acceptance.
This is the way things are now.
This is how life is going to look.
And that day you will start living again, a new life, with new eyes, building a new foundation
The length of time it takes to heal is directly proportional to the length of time it takes to accept things as they are. For it is not simply time that holds the power to heal. It is acceptance that heals. Its just that it takes longer to heal certain things. – Raz Soos