I first saw Tracy McMillan on Oprah’s Super soul Sunday.
She isn’t a super high profile guru and not many people know about her but she has written a book, done a Ted talk, and been on Oprah. She has done some pretty high profile things.
Her main focus is relationships and she talks a lot about your personal journey. Getting the inside right before the outside falls into place is the premise for everything I do, so her stuff really resonated with me.
Tracy said, “you have to marry yourself first”. Since I was still freshly single, it stuck with me. One day when my emotional pain was skyrocketing I was able to, for the first time in my life, comfort myself thanks to her.
I had no idea how much we look to our spouses for self validation or emotional comfort, and I hadn’t recognized the amount I had relied on just knowing someone was there until no one was there and I had to figure it out on my own.
Truth be told, no one can fully validate or provide emotional comfort for us. When we give someone else that job we are forever searching for more. The hole is never filled because the piece we are missing is the one that comes from us, not from someone else. I see this very thing cause a lot of unnecessary hard feelings and dysfunction in marriages.
I didn’t understand any of that until I chose to “marry myself”. It’s something I think everyone should do whether you are married or not. It means that you are responsible for your life in every way. Anything less is a sacrifice of our own personal power and freedom because there is always an avenue that is barricaded and waiting on another person to make available for you.
When I heard Jerry Macguire say “you complete me” I swooned. I thought it was the most romantic line ever spoken and I watched that movie at least 3 times in the theatres. How completely romantic it was for someone to give up everything for someone else, and proclaim that he can’t live without her while on his knees. Also highly dysfunctional and setting the stage for many toxic patterns and a lot of codependency.
It took a long time but I now believe it’s one of the most dangerous lines and big red flag. Our soul yearns to feel whole, but wholeness doesn’t come from the outside no matter how hard you try, and romanticizing the idea only makes it worse.
Marrying yourself is everything.
Choosing to do life with someone else is amazing.
Feeling like you need someone else is suffocating and debilitating.
I encourage you to notice the limitations you have put on yourself because of the relationships you are in. Notice each time you turn to someone else instead of looking within for the answer. Pay attention to what you feel you need someone else in your life for.
When you start to see a pattern, look inside for the fulfillment, become whole on your own.
All we really need is the ability to choose love more often.
As a whole being we can choose love all of the time.