Shortly after my husband and I separated, my son had his annual hockey tournament that we had always attended as a family and made into a little holiday.
This time I was taking the kids by myself, we were flying there and taking a rental vehicle to the resort where the team stayed.
I was a nervous wreck. We hadn’t been able to afford many holidays outside of hockey, so this was only the second time the kids had even been on a plane. Even though I was a stay at home Mom who looked after the kids, venturing out into the world with them was daunting and I was so afraid of everything that could go wrong. I can very clearly remember the pit in the bottom of my stomach and my shaky legs for most of the trip.
I was so not ok, but I knew the only way through it was through it.
One morning the boys had hockey fairly early. We loaded up the rental vehicle in the underground parkade and as I backed out I turned the wheel and scraped and damaged the whole side of the vehicle down a support pole that was at the back corner of my parking stall.
It was one of those moments where you are barely able to do life as it is…and one more thing goes very wrong. On top of that, I opted out of insurance when I took the rental (there is no good explanation for why I did that).
Oprah calls these God whispers. You get a little nudge here that you didn’t listen to, and a little nudge there that you don’t pay attention to, and it happens over and over until finally something big enough happens, some sort of ‘accident’ that gets your attention.
I missed all of the little nudges because I was barely functioning… that in itself was a sign I should have been doing some inner excavating. But I didn’t know how to feel ok then. I had lived in turmoil, fear and anxiety for so long by that point that I had completely lost my sense of connection with myself and feeling at peace in my own skin…my North Star.
I look back at the person I was 5 years ago, barely functioning, always on high alert, constantly on damage control and in an acute state of stress and I’m so glad I chose her. I’m so glad someone finally told me life isn’t supposed to be lived like that. I’m so glad I believed happiness was out there. I’m so glad I finally decided my life was important enough to create one that feels right for me.
Being brave and showing up for life, and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone is possible and fun when you are coming from a place of peace and calm inside. When you know your North Star and can always find your way back, then growth and adventure is terrifyingly exciting, instead of horribly terrifying.
If you don’t know where your North Star is anymore, I promise you it still exists and it’s worth seeking out and staying aligned with it. The cleaner and clearer you live, the easier it is to align.
If you are lucky enough to know it and are aligned with it, then now is the time to experiment. Try new things, do what scares you, live a life that’s larger than you, work on your legacy, share your voice, meet new people, learn something new, take a class and let yourself be changed.
Once you know your way back to your North Star you know that you can always find connection, inner peace, and okayness inside yourself no matter what happens. It will always guide you. There is no greater power than that. You will be unstoppable and can begin to create the life you have always dreamed of.