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You need friends that remind you that life is hard, but this too shall pass.

You need friends that tell you “yes you can”, when you think you can’t.

You need friends who trust you to be the only one to hold their secrets.

You need a friend you can trust with yours.

You need friends that remind that your work is important.

You need friends who push you to keep moving forward when you’re scared stiff.

You need friends who think you are the greatest, the cutest, and the best thing since sliced bread, even if you haven’t washed your hair in a week.

You need friends who reflect back to you the places that aren’t in alignment with who you are.

You need friends who remind you to keep your heart open when you want to close it and shut down.

You need friends who let you dump your mess on them and then sort it out and hand it nicely back to you.

You need friends who support your journey not your destination.

You need friends who are your cheerleaders when you are doing hard things.

You need friends who show up for you.

You need friends who care only about your happiness and not how you get to it.

You need friends who say “me too”.

They make the colour in the world brighter, the cold days warmer, and your smile a lot bigger.

Find friends like these.

I was a terrible judge of character. I literally had no idea how to tell a good person from a bad one. I just believed everyone had some good in them.

As I started showing up in the world I decided this was something I needed to figure out. I had been burnt badly enough that I didn’t want to fall into the grasps of the bad guys anymore.

I read books on psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists and I read up on personality disorders. One day I had a customer sit in my office who was arrogant and vulgar and I was genuinely appalled by his behaviour. This was the first time I was able to see others for who they were, in the past I always felt like I was to blame somehow for the way others behaved.

Once I started being able to pick out the worst behaviours with some consistency I started digging into what makes a good person. This is not as easy of a subject to pick up a book and read about. There are no “good guy” books.

Being a good guy isn’t about good manners and charisma, it’s about caring about others and doing no harm.

I learned about keeping promises, contribution, generosity and thoughtfulness. I learned about empathy, compassion, humility and I learned a lot about listening to what your heart says.

These characteristics are the foundation of “good guys”, and they don’t compromise on them. Some may polish off the edges with chivalry and others may find creative outlets.

The good guys always search for a way that everyone can win because the good guys always care.

I was a stay at home mom for 12 years.

I did what I thought I was supposed to do.

I followed all the rules as I knew them.

I put everyone else first.

I kept everyone safe.

I made sure everyone got to do what brought them happiness.

I kept the kids fed, and clothed, and clean.

I taught them manners, and how to help others.

I kissed tears away, and owies, and nursed them back to health,

Because that’s what moms do.

I love being a mom…I always have loved being a mom.

But I didn’t know how to look after myself in the process.  

And I got lost.

Have you stopped to wonder how you got to where you are?

Were you simply following the path that was already laid out for you?

Did you follow the rules? Do what’s expected of you? Fit in the mold?

You can find your way out,

But you might have to re-evaluate the rules.

Ideas energize you.

They get you thinking about possibility.

They release dopamine into your brain which motivates you.

When they are flowing between you and others they create excitement.

And when you combine all of that you get momentum.

If you’re feeling stuck, sluggish or overwhelmed start a brainstorm session, tap into your imagination, and start dreaming.

If you do this on a consistent basis you won’t be able to help yourself but start moving forces again.

One of the greatest gifts I have received was learning that I didn’t need someone else’s approval about whether I was good, or worthy, or enough.

But I received that gift by going through years of doubting it and always having it questioned.

By questioning my self worth and waiting for someone else to tell me if I was good, I assumed I was bad if I hadn’t been approved of.

It put me in a negative cycle of always trying to be good, and always feeling like I missed the mark.

I ended up veering far away from my path and living a life that was fraught with self doubt, shame, and failed attempts.

And that was ultimately how I lost myself.

To make a long story short an old school friend came along and told I didn’t need to put any energy into wanting to be good because I already was good.

And that was one of the most pivotal moments in my life because it completely changed how I saw myself, and how I showed up in the world.

My worth isn’t up for debate anymore.

I am worthy because I am here. I won the lottery and I was born into this world and that means I’m worthy.

And so are you.

You can think as big as you want to and you are worthy of more than that.

You can go after what you want.

You don’t have to give in because a bully is trying to bully you.

You don’t have to quit on yourself because someone else has quit on you.

You can believe in your dreams.

You can do whatever you want to do.

You get to decide all of it. The key is that you have to get out of your way to figure it out.

And you have to stop trying to get approval.

You are already approved.

Life is big puzzle that needs to be figured out.

Why did she say that?

Why did I feel that way?

How does it look?

What did he mean?

Why did that work?

How come that didn’t work?

The better you get to know yourself, the better you can answer these questions.

Slowly, you will find all of the edge pieces, and begin to piece the picture together by asking and searching for answers.

Question by question the puzzle will start to come to life and you will begin to see the big picture.

I’ve learned to keep searching and keep asking why until I feel the lightbulb come on. As I get to the heart of the issue, the last few puzzle pieces are placed. 

Analyzing life keeps it interesting, makes what happens a little less personal and it helps you make better choices when in a similar situation.

It rewires your brain to look at things objectively.

Interestingly, this works when you are learning grade 10 science too.

As soon as the lightbulb comes on, you can answer the questions easily… then you start a new unit, and it all begins again.

It’s worth it to spend the time thinking about life, putting the puzzle pieces together, and gaining a deeper understanding.  

Plus it makes for some great conversation.

I was asked last week if I’m a talker or a listener.

If the conditions are perfect, I tend to be more of a talker.

And if the conditions are perfect, I tend to be more of a listener.

So I started thinking, when should you talk? And when should you listen?

Here is what I’ve decided.

Talking needs to happen when you are making a connection. You need to contribute to the conversation, share what’s in your heart, and let the other people get to know you.

I went through a period of being shy, and I had a hard time overcoming it until my mom told me it was my ego that was causing it. Sure enough, Eckhart Tolle confirmed and elaborated on it. Shyness is the egos way of separating you from others.

The antidote for shyness is empathy. Don’t expect the other person to do all of the work. Make others feel comfortable, make the first move, or try to put them at ease by being at ease yourself. And that includes talking to them.

When should you listen?

It’s best to listen is when the other person is talking. Ok maybe that’s obvious, but not everyone does this, including me. If I forget my manners, or I’m caught up in the conversation I keep adding my two cents until pretty soon I’m doing the talking again.

You can be better than me by just doing a mental check to make sure you’re not dominating. When you’re the last to finish your food, it’s not usually a good sign.

However, there are times you just need to stop talking and be present. You can hold space for others who are opening their heart. When someone is sharing something they are struggling with or conflicted about, sometimes they just need a place to share that’s safe.

These are the times you listen. And if you listen to understand their conflict, and ask questions to gain clarity on what the problems are, and you try to see the world through their eyes… you are helping.

If your main goal is to always leave someone in a better place than you found them- and you meet them where they are at – you will start to sense whether it’s better to talk or listen.

What I have come to understand is that the more hearts are open, the better the world is. How you get there, is up to you.

I truly dislike conflict and I’m messy and uncomfortable with vulnerability.

This has not been a good recipe for my male or female relationships.

I like to connect with people, I’m friendly and smiley, and I genuinely care for others and their well being.   I’m really good at that side of things.

But when it comes to letting myself be loved, I have failed more than once.

When someone would get close, the stakes would rise and I would fall.

All of a sudden I cared what they thought about me and I wanted to feel accepted, included, connected and loved by them.   This made me feel so vulnerable.

I didn’t like it.  I’m not good at it, it’s not pretty and it made me feel weak so I would shut down and shut them off.  I thought the best way to avoid being weak, was to avoid areas of weakness.

Except that didn’t work.

It was a relationship death penalty, and I’m quite certain the other person had no idea what happened.

I was hurting the people who loved me because I wasn’t giving them a chance to love me.

Now that I trust that they don’t want me to feel disconnected, left out or unloved…I’m learning to lean into vulnerability.

I’m learning to say that I’m scared of not being wanted, or admit when I’m hurting.  I’m learning to admit when life is hard and when I’ve come to the end of myself and knowing what to do.

I’m still messy.  I’m still so uncomfortable.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling unsure about where the other person is really at, I still can’t bear to get the words out.

Lots of the time when I say how I’m feeling, it all comes out so wrong.

But the times I have been able to muster up the courage… the times I have been brave enough to stutter and stammer, or ugly cry my way through the white hot mess that I am…

A little bit of magic happens.

It seems that when you speak from this extremely vulnerable place, self doubt, shame, blame and criticism can’t survive.

There is a new understanding between your souls that deepens your connection, and you feel more loved and accepted than ever.

It’s so beautiful and so worth it.

“Maybe there’s a God above

But all I’ve ever learned from love

Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya

And it’s not a cry that you hear at night

It’s not somebody who’s seen the light

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”

Thank you Leonard Cohen.

Brene Brown opened my eyes to vulnerability.

Before her, I thought strong and cool was the way to operate.

Since learning about it and exploring it in my own life, I’ve learned a few things.

I don’t like the way being vulnerable feels.  My insides start to heat up and my throat tightens.

These feelings hit me the worst when I am admitting the truth behind a personal weakness or deep seated fear.

But I have also learned the value of being vulnerable.  

It is the only way to speak your absolute truth in the moment.  
It brings you to a level of acceptance of yourself that turns fear and anxiety into peace and calm.

Vulnerability connects you to humanity in a distinct and deep way that you can’t reach without otherwise.  

It takes away the air of perfectionism, slips through the cracks in our armour and imparts our true self, the self we desperately want everyone to see and know, but can’t bare to speak about.  

If you don’t believe me, I encourage you to try it.

Look for the real reason why you are so angry or so scared or so sad.

Are you afraid of losing someone?

Do you think you aren’t good enough?

Do you feel unworthy?

Do you feel unloveable?

What if you fail?  What if you are rejected, laughed at, or talked about?

What if you don’t live up to another’s ideal?

The vulnerable answer behind these questions will be either be so obvious to you that you haven’t said it, or it will be a surprise to you because you haven’t admitted it even to yourself yet.

Vulnerability is messy and ugly and feels awful.
But it morphs into peace, connection, and acceptance.

I have found vulnerability is the biggest missing piece in me.

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.” ~ Brene Brown 

Sometimes the best part of the day is a really good hug.

I miss hugs.

Can we start hugging again please?

You just aren’t that special.

You are unique, and you are worthy, but you really aren’t special.

And that’s a tough thing to remember.

We think that we are so different from others, we think they had it easier, or that our situation is different and that’s why we can’t do that thing we want to do.

We think that the people around us need us, we think that other people will be extra offended if we show up, and we think that we need to be a little more coddled, or maybe a little less coddled than the regular Joe.

But we don’t.

Thinking our situation is different is just another form of hiding. It’s no different, you aren’t special. It’s hard for everyone, and you are just as worthy of the next guy.

The best thing you can do is stop believing yourself and get moving forward.

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

I talk a lot about the way things get interesting when you come to the end of yourself and you don’t know what to do next.

When I came across these words from a John Holt yesterday they caught my attention:

“The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how do we behave when we don’t know what to do.”

Oprah’s advice is to do nothing when you don’t know what to do. To become very still and connect with what it is you want.

Eckhart Tolle expands on that, “when you connect with stillness, you also connect with a creative intelligence that is higher than analytical thinking. Very often, the right decision then arises spontaneously. It may not happen immediately. It may take your going back to your normal life, but this time period gives your intuition the room and silence it needs to surface.”

It’s great advice because even though it feels impossible to move forward, there is always a way.

The end of yourself is not the end of the path.

Everything is heightened.

Hygiene, domestication, isolation, and fear.

And in response to the heightening, we are shutting down.

We are shutting down the economy. Shutting down sports franchises, and places of worship. And we even shut down the happiest place on earth.

The more you notice things shutting down, the more I want you to open up.

Specifically, I want you to open your heart.

Stop for a minute and feel your heart. When you are uncertain, or apprehensive, or afraid, you shut your heart down.

Opening your heart opens you up to what is good in the world.

You can open up and be vulnerable, be sensitive, and be compassionate.

We have a lot of opening to do. Heck you can even open your windows and let fresh air in.

I just want you to think open rather than closed. It feels so much better when you do.

Things will start to change the minute that you do.

We believe that we are driven by the negative influence in our lives.

We develop superpowers based on our survival skills from trauma, painful experiences, and difficult people we have experienced.

I used to walk in a room and check to see the emotional state of every person that was in there.  I considered this to be a super power.  Within seconds I could tell you who was happy, who was sad, who was angry, who was afraid, and who was ok.

Looking back I can see it was a survival mechanism.  I was feverishly checking in order to protect myself from the unstable people.  Deep down I didn’t feel like I could handle the difficult people, so I was checking and then guarding myself from them.

I would sink way back in my shell and try to make myself invisible if I had to be near them.

I had a hard time letting that “super power” go because I developed it for my protection.  I held on unconsciously, because I thought I needed it.

But the problem with being negatively driven by something is that it makes you obsessive.  You power through with blinders on and you miss a lot of the beauty of what is possible.

I was seeking okayness within myself, working on opening my heart, and learning to reach out to people – I had to let go of my super power.

But I didn’t know who I would be when I did that.  I wondered if I wouldn’t be sensitive anymore – I like being sensitive.

I wondered if I wouldn’t be an empath anymore – how would I connect with people?

When you let go of something that you are using for survival, you don’t know who you will be without it, after all you created that super power out of a perceived weakness within yourself.

A lot of people use humour as their super power, some people are nice, some people over think everything, other people organize, and other people are bullies.  When you are using it as your survival super power, you become really good at it.

It’s scary to let it go.

But you don’t lose the skill set you have developed.

If you have learned how to make people laugh, you will always be able to make them laugh, but you won’t have to do it under pressure.  You can be like Ellen Degeneres and it can be easy.

If you overthink everything, you will still be able to think your way through well.  You will do it because you enjoy it, not because you think you will die if you don’t.  The pressure is gone and your thoughts become clear and coherent.

If being nice is your survival super power, then you can stop being a doormat and start being compassionate.  You will be able to love and empathize with people, but you will be able to create boundaries that keep the both of you safe.

And if like me, you are an emotional temperature checker – you might not need to know anymore, because when you are present, and ok, you don’t need to protect yourself from the bullies in the room.  Who they are is their journey, and you are ok enough that you don’t have to react to it.

It can feel scary to let go of your survival super power without knowing who you will be when it’s gone.  But I promise you will be better because you will feel better.

P.S.  I sent you a letter today about the way horses have taught me about asking questions, and communication, and connection.  If you would like it, sign up below and I will get it to you.  You will love it.

Sometimes emotional pain takes hold of us so strongly that we slip into periods of depression and isolation or we shut down and operate in survival mode trying to carry on with life because we have no other choice.

A few years ago I had the realization that when you walk into your pain, whatever it’s from, and stay with it, it dissipates. It was such a surprise to me because I had spent so many years running from pain, and hiding pain, or being “emotionally strong”.

When you walk into love, it grows. Until then I hadn’t realized that different feelings follow different energetic rules, but they do.

The emotions that feel good, that are high are the map of consciousness, are the ones we need to lean into and towards. When you choose these emotions on purpose they bring their friends, the other good feelers, to the party. At which point I usually become overwhelmed and cry.

The emotions that feel bad, and are low on the map of consciousness, are there to give us guidance. They tell us that we have an open wound, a toxic thought pattern, or an unhealthy attachment. They are almost always rooted in fear. When you choose to ignore, hide, or lean towards these bad feelings, they also bring their friends to the party, which creates a downward spiral of darkness.

Here’s the thing I learned. The bad feeling emotions have a very large purpose. They feel bad for a reason. We are not supposed to like them, or enjoy them. They bring us suffering, and illness, and pain. They put pressure on us to make a different choice.

Some people dull them with medication, or drugs or alcohol. They are completely missing the gift that comes with them.

We need to walk towards those bad feelings, dig into them, find out why they are there and what they are trying to teach us. If you stay with those feelings, ask hard questions, search for the root fear until you find the answer, then you can let it go. If you dull them, you lose the guidance and the next time the pain has a new layer added and brings more friends to the party.

Let yourself be changed by emotional pain. That’s what it’s intended for, that’s the gift it brings.

The person you will find on the other side, when you allow yourself to be changed, is full of all the good feeling emotions at the top of the map of consciousness. That’s where the world has more colour, the light inside you is brighter, and there is beauty all around you, and that’s the ultimate goal for all of us.

Some people don’t see that being trustworthy is an asset or give it any priority.

There are some people who are not safe to trust because they aren’t careful with it.

It’s ok to not trust them… they aren’t striving for it.

These people are not to be confused with the people who do care and are trustworthy, but made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, writing them off because of one is ultimately to your detriment.

How do you discern between the 2 types?

I trust people who are consistent, generous, humble, and have good intentions.

When someone displays selfishness, arrogance, undermining, or manipulation, the red flags start popping up, as do the hairs on the back of my neck.

They say they are 3 sides to every story… his, hers and the truth. We all perceive the same thing differently based on our own worldview and lens, our emotional triggers, and our experience.

But there is another factor.

Status.

If the person in power doesn’t recognize the gravity of his role and how his words and choices affect others… he can cause a lot of hurt feelings, backlash, and even outrage (think Donald Trump).

Martin Luther King said, “Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic.”

Power without love is reckless and abusive… I see this with parents, spouses, teachers, bosses, and any person who holds the power in a situation. And it’s so much worse when the person in power has no idea of the power they hold.

Then their story is completely obscured.

“With great power comes great responsibility.” – Winston Churchill

If you hold the power it’s important to keep an open heart, to practice real empathy, and to speak gently, always paying attention to the response and emotional reactions of the people who don’t have the power.

Relationships and humanity is always more important than any goal you’re trying to achieve.

One of my favourite things is to watch someone come to the end of themselves.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s frustrating, discouraging, and somewhat hopeless when you are the person who doesn’t know what to do.

Don’t quit, don’t walk away, and don’t give up. Something big is about to happen.

The ego starts to break down when you realize that you aren’t superhuman and can’t do everything on your own and you begin to look for new ideas and new solutions that were outside of your lens or worldview.

When you come to the end of yourself, you surrender… and then grow.

It’s not an easy place to be, but the greatest discomfort brings the greatest personal rewards.

Lean in to these moments, because something big is about to happen.